Saturday 7 April 2012

........It's all about three

 Yo!    4,483   4,483    !!!! flimmin ek who'd have thunk it?? ............ i cant even spell!

I thought it fitting that i put out a blog today, the day what probably should have been my birthday.
April fools day.  well im starting it today but will probably finish it in a few weeks time, that's how it is at the moment, i started making a Shepard's pie last Thursday morning and finished it on the Friday evening :0/  (it was still horrible and tasted like it had real shepherds in it :0/ )
        Today as you can imagine has been a little tiresome.  I  have been trying to avoid child 3 knowing the date all week, (from what happened last year you can hardly blame me) the cat has never been the same since :0/
       It all started with hideous laughter the laughter one would expect to hear from an extremely mad bonkers insane person. From my bed i knew what she was doing, cling film has the habit of squeaking as you try stretching it over a toilet seat. Her next job was to phone up Nanny, poor Nanny she gets so many pointless phone calls. 'Stay in your home there has been a big black panther cat spotted along your road. !! ive just seen it and so did mum!!! ' didn't you mum ??? ' Yes i replied with that look upon my face, boy 40 was beside me in bed and was laughing at child 3's convincing story, well convincing until she revealed that the panther had already eaten two people :0/
He was not laughing however when he walked down the stairs to see it literly upside down :0/ she had turned everything she could possibly see upside down, including all of the stuff in the kitchen cupboards :0/ it took boy 40 quite sometime to turn it all back the right way up.
We thought it was probably best if we just all went out. We decided on a nice day like today to take the dog up to the common, feed bubba 4 in a country pub on the walk and then stop off for ice creams.
Child 3 i am sad to say carried on with her antics by pretending she was our dog. :0/ child 2 had her upon the lead as she scratched, barked chased birds and pretended to wee up trees for the entire length  of our journey.
We arrived 20 minutes later at a rather well to do country pub. Well to do it was not anymore. :0(
 I could feel all of the people sat around the croquyet lawn staring, i sometimes wonder if people are staring at me or do i just stare at them? ...... I think they stare at me, they were definatly staring at child 3 thats for sure. She was at this time pretend peeing up a carefully pruned tree whilst asking child 2 to tie her up so she could not poo on the lawn.
Boy 40 asked what they would all like to drink 2 and 1 asked for cokes 3 just barked for a bowl.
          Very soon she was bored of being a dog and so started performing gymnastics badly upon the lawn, she then belted it about the place like a lightening bolt and the boy child asked me if we have ever had her 'seen'? we all knew what he meant and carried on our scary conversation about university fees :0/ the boy child will only owe about £40,000 by the time he leaves :0(
 Very soon child 3 was wanting her coke and so sat down. I turned to look at her 2 minutes later and there she was sucking on a lemon. What the hell are you doing? i asked (she is allergic to lemons) oooh sorry  she replied but 'she' (child2) was just sucking hers and going 'mmmm nom nom nom' and i got jealous :0/
         Luckily there were no lasting effects apart from her swollen tounge which was aptly quite dog like so she gladly hung it out for the rest of the day :0/
     
Erm Hello its me again, its only 4 days later and we have just got back from a rather smashing day out in Cirencester, Roman town and home of Laurence lewelln Bowen.
Child 3 has a facination with romans, dont ask me why, i think its to do with the violent battles :0/.. so we took them to the roman museum where she looked at many things and bought some dodgy artifacts from the shop. After this we found a nice little cafe for coffee, a place to feed bubba 4.
 Cirencester as you know is quite well to do so i was embarrased to say the least when i returned from the toilet to see that child 3 had a big brown chocolate nose. She then carried on with what she had been doing, ... licking out all of the cups which had previously held hot chocolate in them :0/ The posh welly wearing jodpur wax jacket types on the next table looked horrified and so did she when she flew out of that joint on the handle of my push chair.
We then popped in to WH Smith, it was in this particular establishment that she found the talking Katzuma! 'A talking Katzuma? that sounds amazing' i hear you all gasp. Actually no it was not! it was a brightly coloured card board box containing an orange monster of some sort which goes RAAAA when you press its tummy. Im sure i would do the same if  someone pressed my tummy in that way, except i wouldent charge £14.99 for the displeasure....... Apparently child three has put this particular toy on both her birthday and christmas lists for 'years' years i tell you! she didnt quite understand why i was not willing to part with 15 english pounds in exchange for it.
10 Minutes later the talking katzuma was still in her sweaty grasp, the boy child was looking it up on Amazon to see if we could get it cheaper, boy 40 was not really bothered by this display which now also had tears, he loves book shops and could spend days in them. Child 2 who's easy to please just wanted to buy her felt tips and go home, i had lost the will to live and bubba 4 was happy just to be doing a poo.
           In the end boy 40 the weaker of her two parents gave in and bought it for her, it is now sitting on my stairs going raaaa every few minutes :0(
           Child three the one with the roman fascination is now also obsessed with Hiawatha or Hiyawoffa as she calls it. Last Tuesday tea time we were all sat at the table, we could all see child 3 sat there with full war paint on a ripped t.shirt of which she had made head bands and sweat bands out of. And an enormous plume of home made feathers expelling from her head, she also had some smaller feathers dotted about her person, these were real feathers and i worried about where they may have come from :0/. 'Im hyawoffa' she said.
  20 minutes passed by and no one said a word, she kept making squawkey noises and going lolololol with her hand on her mouth,. eventually boy 40 gave in and said 'Erm why are you  Hiawatha? 'because' she said im not getting any attention!' . Good effort i thought.
        For Christmas she had some proper walkie talkies (which cost way more than £14.99) she likes to play with them when shes in the garden only the other day someone else's signal must have been picking them up, 'hello hello come in' a mans voice kept on saying, child 3 was freaked out by this and ran in to daddy 'daaaad there's ghosts in my walkie talkies She's obsessed by ghosts too :0/
Boy 40 explained that it was probably just a local taxi firm. She left them on and became quite fascinated by this strange phenomena. A couple of hours went by and i could hear hysterical laughter coming from her room, i sneaked up the stairs and listened at the door, she was sat there like a little mad person in hysterics she could hardly breathe she was laughing so much. ' Come in come in who are you?' came the mans voice, composing herself she shouts ' i am the ghost of Christmas future and i live in your office!' ......... 'hello hello? says the confused man. ' have you got any sandwiches?' she asks?. at this point i felt quite sorry for the bloke, he was probably hoping for a peaceful Sunday at work...... 'where do you want to go?? he asks ' where are you? over' ' Im behind your plant pot' she replies. This confused conversation went on for ages, all i can do is apologies to the cab firm for the voices in your head and for blocking up your signal  last Sunday.
        Child 3 also has a fascination for ghosts, driving along the other day i was not really taking much notice of the chit chat in the back until that was i heard child 3 say 'yeah i hate ghosts, that one at dads party was a nightmare!' 'What ghost at dads party? i intrrupted, 'you know i told you before the one in the room where they play darts, he was sat there with his napkin tucked in eating a roast dinner' im quite sure she did not tell me about it before but then i do sometimes block out thier voices to keep sane. Well it turns out that many people have also seen this same ghost ( sane people, normal people!) oh dear i didnt even pay per head for him :0/  trouble is we never really know whats true and whats not, i just wonder how many ghosts she has seen, im sure the one in the car doesn't exist. I got a new car by the way its an estate, my mum thought i said its 'in a state' when i told her of it, probably because most of my cars have been :0/ me and my friend Sarah had to get baby sitters one time just so we could clean my car out :0/  its got weeny seats at the back and doesn't look like a bus, so ill be happy with it for a while. Happy i was not though when we spent £500 on a flippin roof box (there's not even space to breathe inside the actual car ) no wonder the salesman kept on folding that middle seat in to the other one, its like sitting on a brick!
        Happy i was not even more when we entered our local town on a sunny Saturday morning!. The crunching noise as we entered the multistory car park was not pleasant :0/ Were roof boxes not invented when this 70's monstrosity was built in our town? probably not.
So we had done the barrier in and were now stuck in the multistory :'0( fec!
Boy 40 said 'ah sod it lets go shopping and think about it later' ( that's pretty much his attitude to everything :0/ )  We did coffee and swanned about the town in the sunshine, everyone seemed very jolly, all i could think about was being stuck in the car park, there was no way back through the height barrier and the concrete ceilings would surely finish it off :0/
Eventually we returned and all stood around the car just staring at the shiny crapped up roof box wot cost  500 quid. It was then that we all started laughing, may be this was a simultaneous nervous reaction i don't know.
The boy child has seen a lot of spider man in his time and for that i was grateful. He took off his shoes and jumped on to the roof from some metal car park bars. Boy 40 held on to the box as the boy child got inside it and un did the bolts. Eventually it was off and the boy child made his descent via boy 40's shoulders to the ground. Relieved i drove the car down through the ramps we laughed at boy 40 as we went by him, carrying a roof box on his head. It was obviuos to the whole town what he (not us) had done.
 I parked by a small bridge on the out side and boy 40 dented the roof with his knee as he struggled to fix the thing back on. Great days!! i sighed as he got back in the car, now we cant go to multistory's hospitals or McDonald's. That's pretty much my weeks crapped up then!! :0/
Upon our return home we find a parcel notification card through the door. 'Your parcel is over the gate' it said. What it should have said was 'Over the gate and in a lump of dogs shit!' :0/ grrrrrrrrr
        Well apart from that nothing else has happened apart from everyone catching conjunctivitis :0( even the cat had it. Conjuncta cat i named her (don't nick that im going to use it for a new super hero comic book) Ah yeah and im being followed on twitter by 'food cooking news!!!!' they are probably looking for tips i shouldn't wonder :0/
One stupid thing i should report is that i went in to the loos at a lovely country pub we like to frequent last Wednesday. I've been there a million times even had my wedding reception there, i walked in to the loos and thought god this place is going down hill, they stunk to high heaven, it was not until i was washing my hands that i noticed the urinals in the mirror. :0/ Yak i had actually weed in the blokes toilets what the hell is my life coming to?  Bubba 4 is lovely its not like im lacking in sleep, just lacking in brains :0(
        Seeing how this blog has mainly been infused by child 3 and her antics i would like to leave you a picture of 'Dead chick head' this hat was an actual winner in the Easter hat parade!! boy 40 says it probably won because there was clearly no parental help involved :0/
Until next time my lovely's Happy Saturday