Friday 9 March 2012

Kylie Arse? I should be so lucky. Lucky Lucky Lucky :0/

Hey readers, psychiatrists and loyal friends How are you?

I thought I had better put a blog out, its been a while and the last one was really crap!
I am not really sure where to start so many stupid things have happened.
Bubba 4 is currently led beside me sleeping, she is I have to say the most lovely baby I have ever known, apart from child 3 who was equally as good as a baby, (I'm slightly worried about that fact) She sleeps for most of the day, from 10 to 7 in the morning and when she’s awake she’s always smiling and happy, please don’t be jealous any new baby owners (remember I did have child 2 who was in hospital most of the time and did not sleep through the night until she was 6 :0/ )
So you would think then that my life would be easy wouldn’t you?
Mmmmm The first disaster to report would be child 2's birthday party. I blame boy 40 for this one entirely! The idea was to take her most favourite people skating, I had arranged to meet everyone at the skating destination at 1pm. I was also to pick a few up on my way there. The first problem with this was that Sharon the 7 seater still was not ready (I think the garage was basically rebuilding her from what I could gather) This inconvenience meant we needed to take 2 vehicles in which to transport everyone back to ours.
Boy 40 her father and transport 2 decided it was a 'good' idea to work until 12.30pm leaving me to sort out everything on my own in the morning and feed bubba 4 twice by myself (I still have no brain) it was never going to work, To top it off it decided to start snowing. I packed up the house in my bag ( you need a lot of stuff for a then 6 week old baby) at 1.10pm I was still faffing with the car seat, boy 40 was 'in the shower) !! at this point I could have flushed his head down the toilet!.
It was then that I began to receive the phone calls :0( first from the boy child “where are you?? we are freezing!!” he was with his girl friend my sister & my Mr sister. I explained boy 40's involvement in the matter and they seemed to understand. Stuck in traffic sweating like a miner I received the next phone call from my friend at 1.18pm precisely, she was with the party guests they were all at the paying desk :0( ….....she had to pay for the lot of them to get in :0( I finally rocked up at about 1.30 running down the hill like a maniac with the pram the kids and their skates flying behind me :0( my palpitations were now off of the richter scale and I was sure I was melting at this point. I apologised for my complete incompetence again. Then I made a stupid joke about getting my skates on... no one laughed.
At 1.50 boy 40 came strolling in with that stupid smile on his face that I cannot be angry with. ( he obviously did not feel my stress)
So child 2 was late for her own party and someone else had now paid for it, only that would happen to me :0/
The snow came down and I forgave boy 40 at about 5pm.
The next disaster however I cannot blame him for. It started at 5.30 am one Tuesday morning, this was the time I had to wake bubba 4 up in order for her 3 hourly feeds to work out correctly for my 5.30 pm return from the dentist that evening.
At 3.30 following a day of stress I collected child 2 and 3 from school and picked up the boy child. Sharon the people carrier had still not arrived so I again struggled with the
baby seat.
Making it in to town I parked up had another fight with the car seat, attached it to the pram, being late as usual I dragged the kids quite quickly along in the rain to the dentist, the palpitations were again banging hard as the adrenalin stress whizzed about my blood stream as fast as some thirsty person sucking up drink through a bendy straw. I reached the dentist steps all 12 of them not really feeling like a human, carried up the heavy pushchair with car seat attached kids all following behind :0/ Reaching the receptionist I noticed the waiting room was completely empty....... “ Surgery has finished for the day, Your appointment was yesterday” …...... that’s all I have to say about that.
I got home and on the door mat was a letter which said id missed a hospital app for child 2 also the day before :0/ When will my brain return?
Each day before we get up I play an ingenious game called 'Guess the day' its a clever way of getting child 2 and 3 to open my bedroom curtains in the morning :0) there's no prize but child 3 walks by the landing window and looks out every morning before coming in to my room (she is the master of cheating at everything!) seeing as she always wants to win at everything, my curtains get opened every day! . This particular day however she had been sleeping like a star fish in my bed since about 3 am. So she took a wild guess that it was a bright sunshiny day and that people were skipping down the road wearing shorts and carrying flowers, I liked this definition of summer and let her win. So it was summer outside and the hoob news was good (its much nicer than the real news) …..... you know that record stopping noise? zzzzzzzrump well that’s what sound effect I would have put in there if I had sound effects. Because sadly when I got downstairs real life again smacked me in the face. My first grim discovery was that of an exploded banana in child 2's bag :0/ the 2nd was the jumper (the only jumper) covered in spaghetti bolognase. Her skirt had grown to small and child 3's socks were wrong, the seems did not sit nicely on her toes apparently :0/ There was dog poo on her shoes thanks to someone in the village whose dogs ass appears to have problems :0( Child 2 had lost her glasses, hearing aids, her gloves and her scarf …......... I'm sure there is somekind of Bermudic triangle which hovers about swallowing these things, for goodness Sake they were all there yesterday, once they had been found of course.
Finally we find it all clean the jumper change the skirt and she’s out of the door. I breath a great big sigh of relief and then spot the asthma inhaler on the side. Aaaaaaaaaagggggghhhh Racing upstairs I dress bubba 4 put child 3's wrong coat on, leggit to the car, strap that grrrr car seat in and whizz off down the road to the bus stop. I see the bus at the junction unlucky for me it pulls up as I turn the corner I stop the car run as fast as I can with the inhaler realising at the same time that I am not properly dressed, child 2 is there in front of me stepping on to the bus, I shout my loudest but she’s never going to hear me under ear muffs a bobble hat and hearing aids. I reach the doors shhhhhhhhhhhhh they close and it pulls away. I am now standing on the side of a busy main road at a bus stop wearing my slippers :0/ for gods sake this was 8.20 am no wonder I'm insane!
The day gets worse. I return home to put proper outside footwear on and take child 3 to school. I then drive up to child 2's school with the inhaler but upon this day there was a diversion because of an accident somewhere else, this meant over a mile of stationary vehicles on the road. Lucky they were not going my way and as I passed them I thought yeah ill be clever and go home another way!! What other way? It turns out that I did no know what other way :0( it was lucky I can tell you that I still did not have the 7 seater called sharon because I am quite sure that some of those stretches were not roads :0/ 1 AND A HALF HOURS!!! what the hell? I could have gone to Devon in that time!! What idiot would think it right to put a school there? On top of that jungle of small lanes. We drove across the common the following day Boy 40 pointed to this said school and said to child 2, 'there’s your school look on top of that hill' ' what??? she replied 'but its Saturday!' ???? mmm I just growled.
I was though very proud of child 2 she’s not had the best of starts and at parents evening a few weeks ago I was told that her smile brightens up the room, We also had news this week from the hospital. It appears following some tests they sent off to London that her immune system is slightly uppity in two areas, This would explain a lot of things, they cant do anything about it but its good to have some kind of explanation.
The day of this said appointment yet another unfortunate bonkers event was to occur we have to travel some way to this hospital and it is always very stressful, so on the way home we decided to visit a country pub for some tea and much needed wine. We sat there by the fire child 2 & 3 chatted about their crap day and bubba 4 had her much needed bottle, half way through dinner boy 40's phone rang, we looked at it on the table and the number buzzing up was our home number,?? we looked at each other knowing that there was no one in, obviously because we were all out, watching someone phoning us from the house we were not in!!!
The boy child was at his girl friends. Boy 40 answered 'hello hello' he said and who ever it was hung up, it rang again and again no one spoke. We were as you can imagine quite alarmed by this and finished eating quickly to return home thinking all sorts of things.
Entering the house all was all quiet I walked through to the kitchen and put bubba 4's car seat on the floor, everything looked normal then I heard boy 40 whisper pssssst come here, I was scared as I walked towards the living room, he pointed inside and there was the dog sat upon the sofa (which she is most defiantly not allowed to do!) her big fat furry arse was sat on the phone! …......... my dog can use the telephone! And so it appears can my own arse, you wouldn’t think that 2 such events could occur in a matter of days, and this is what I said to my mum in my defence :0/ I used to have a Kylie arse but following the pregnancy addiction to monster munch it has gone ,
I mean I am sure its still there somewhere but I cant find it. This is probably why I did not feel the telephone underneath it :0( apparently my mum and dad were shouting down the phone for 20 minutes, blasting the tv speakers through it and all sorts, of course the noise would have been very muffled and I couldn’t hear a thing. Our mobiles were also going mad ' Who the hell keeps ringing us tonight?' I kept shouting (mobiles are work things they don’t need to be answered in the evenings). Or are we to lazy top go find them ? I don’t know. Anyway 45 minutes later following a round telecommunication trip of about 15 miles the boy child comes down the stairs. ' Mum auntie mands just phoned me you’ve rang nanny and blocked up her land line !!' It was then that I discovered what my arse had done and felt a little foolish, well if that’s not incentive to kylie up my arse again I'm not sure what is :0/
Sorry if your bored by the way this is the problem I don’t get much time to blog any more and my life just backlogs in my head, I need to get rid of it so I can learn to forget about it :0/ Well its just child 3 now really so I could be here a while longer :0/
Child 3 apparently has a massive posse at school :0/ the other day the posse was hiding her from people who think they are her best friends :0/ I told her that this was very unkind and that we live in a small village where posse's do not exist, in her next breath she asked for smoke salmon and olives in her lunch box for dinner the next day, which I didn’t think was very street at all!
That evening she mended the toilet cistern (she actually did) its never worked properly may be we should have got her to build our house instead of that big gob shite of a builder :0/
May be this is also another reason that she is on the gifted children’s list. The Boy child was not on this list but is currently working at an A level on 4 Alevels and for this I am very pleased ,we have just filled out the forms for an information day at Oxford university, its all making me a bit sad really I hate the thought of them growing up, sometimes however he is not grown up. Like when I packed him off to another teenage party last week with his snuggle blanket :0/
The words Red Rum appeared in child 3's bathroom the other day, I would have been worried but they were written in red bath crayons in the boy child’s writing, child 3 currently thinks she’s having bathroom banter with a ghost, the conversation in bath crayon has been going on for sometime. May be that’s the reason I heard what I did the other night. Child 2 I quote ' Don't expect me to come round your house and flush your toilet every time you use it!!' :0/ child 3 was probably too busy communicating with the ghost to do that sort of thing.
Well we finally got the people carrier called Sharon and decided to all go out for the day (we haven’t been able to do this since bubba 4 arrived) I moaned all of the way down the motorway and would have worn a paper bag on my head if I had one, I felt like I was in a bus, it had taken 6 weeks for the garage to get it sorted and I hated it :0/
We ended up at Symths toy shop. Myself, boy 40 bubba 4, child 2 Boy child and his girlfriend. We all looked quite normal when we walked in and then the doors burst open behind us …..........child 3 had arrived :0/ WOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAHHHHHH she shouted as she ran, hit the floor skidded on her knees to the middle of the second isle. She then rolled over and became some kind of snow / floor angel shouting 'OH MY GOD ….... IVE COME HOME'!!!! at the very top of her voice.
She spent 100 quid that day :0/ thankfully it was saved up Christmas money. We also did build a bear where you spend about a million quid stuffing your own bear and another million buying clothes for it. Bubba 4 was actually mistaken for a bear but the people didn’t look as if they could afford her.
We also had to buy child 3 an outfit for a christening the following day which took a while seeing as all she will wear is a pair of jeans and a sponge bob T-shirt :0/
Upon arriving home she dumped the 100 quids worth of toys and proceeded to make one of her own, it was her new best friend 'David chocolate marshey Bloonum'. ( it was a balloon dressed in clothes I think she got the idea in build a bear, only hers didn’t cost a fortune and has now popped. Later that evening child 3's hex bug nanos invaded child 2's Sylvanian family houses :0/ they wrecked the place :0( Mr and Mrs Pola bear who have recently adopted the elephant children were not pleased. In fact it caused a bit of a scrap :0/
Child 3 also had a bit of a culinary faux pas last week in the dinner hall at school ,pancake day it was, apparently we should never attempt to eat Ritz biscuits with prawns on and Jaffa cakes on top. It makes you feel sick. She felt sick again that evening when she attempted to eat about 7 pancakes :0/ her and boy 40 always make them its become tradition, It was on this pancake day that I thought to myself is child 3 actually normal? She phoned up her Nanny and told her that she had just eaten 25 pancakes and that she even ate one off of the floor because it was daddy's best one and it got flipped there !!! ??? She then in a very serious singing voice sang ' Ground control to major Tom, time to put your pancakes on' and put the phone down!?? that was the last Nanny heard of her until she phoned again asking if she could have the last pack of skittles ???
Child 3 and I walk home every day from school its nice to have a bit of one to one time (I take these times to try and fathom her genius brain) Every single day I ask her 'What have you learned today?. Only on 2 occasions has she ever said anything different from 'Nuffin much' once when she learnt that a curtain pole was not a toy and today when she learnt that the Romans wore red tunics so you could not see their blood :0/
Apart from telling child 2 about the Bob Marley song Jammin being Written about doughnuts ive kind of forgotten the rest or have conveniently put it out of my mind.
Well that’s it phewwy! I feel better now that I have emptied my stresses on to you, I can now fill up my head with new ones.
Until next time faithful counsellors
xxx

p.s I had to dump Sharon it was never going to work :0/