Tuesday 10 January 2012

I only went and did it!!! who needs hypno births? justwear a pair of Tazmanian devil socks!!

Hello and good tidings to you all, all 3,933 of you ...........
I Write to you surrounded by Christmas chaos i am at the moment typing from a very small hole which does not contain toys chocolates or wrapping paper.
    Please forgive me today for my poor spelling, punctuation and lack of decent use of the English language. Im not sure if i actually exist at the moment, this could all be part of a surreal dream infused by 9 months of insomniac island living and 15 days of  new baby. Yep 15 days that's how old my gorgeous little small person number 4 is!
     She was born 12 days before Christmas in 30 minutes without pain relief :0/ I have gone to the trouble of summing up the past 15 days in a yule tide song for you, ill attach it at the end. Although you've probably had enough of Christmas songs by now.
 I myself have spent most of Christmas crying :0/ not because im unhappy its this weird hormone thing the other day i cried because i had forgotten to give the kids the reindeer food on Christmas eve  . To be quite honest with you i still feel like ive been kicked up the arse by a horse.
       Child  the 4th was only due yesterday if you don't have the patients to read down to the song i wrote especially for you, here's what happened the longer version.
       It was Sunday bed time when i realised i had booked myself in to 3 different places on Monday the following day. Coffee in town at 9.00 with Jane, The whole morning till lunch time with Fizzer off of Quedgleyshire and the afternoon with Claire eating cake in a restaurant over the hill from where i live. All of these were of course not going to happen and overlapped by a good few hours.  I was also so fat by now that i literary could not get up, sit down, drive, walk and found simple communication very difficult, so i found it surprising that i had arranged so many things to do for one day :0/ I also discovered upon this night that if i physically moved my massive baby bump before moving myself it wasn't half as painful. Well these to things were not to matter much anymore because at 3.20 am i was rudely awoken by a loud pop! I lay there for a minute this was when when i realised that i had only heard that pop 3 other times in my life.
I have to say i felt the pop too and was surprised that i had not been blown out of bed to start whizzing about the room rasping like an exploded or popped balloon flying in to the corners by sheer g force of the explosion.
          I thought about this for a minute and wondered why i was so calm? it was weird may be that hypnomentalist had taught me something after all?, the previous 3 pops had put the fear of god through me instantly. I thought id better get up before the water started making its way out, it was then that Niagara falls erupted luckily i was now in an upright position and away from all soft furnishings, the pressure was immense i  had literally  popped i was so fat my skin was so tight there was no other option. Im sorry to go on with the descriptions of this common event but bloody hell i was like a bath wots plug hole had been pulled out only there was no drainage system installed in me and the bathroom floor resembled the canal down the road :0/ ah well i thought those floor tiles could do with a wash if the waters clean enough to house my baby for all those months its sure clean enough to wash the floor.
          I shoved on a pair of leggings and a pair of tazmanian devil socks from boy 40s draw (i would recommend these socks if you reqiure a quick birth, i may rent them out, ill charge a tenner they worked much better than the hypno birth cd ) I left my nighty / potato sack on and made sure my hair looked nice, my face was a mess but who cares it was dark. I warned the hospital by telephone and thought i should wake boy 40 (who could sleep through Armageddon)
'Yo babes its um all kicking off!'! i said calmly........no response  nothing. MY WATERS HAVE GONE!!!!!!!! Nothing ........ WAKE UP ........Nothing. In these times of frustration i find the only solution normally  is to hold his nostrils together until his reflexes kick in and he has no choice but to realise something aint quite right. (Like the small fact he cannot breathe) . The sight before him i admit was a little scary i now had a portable canal water catcher in the shape of a  very large bath towel, this may have resembled some kind of weird toga or suffocation device to an asleep person who cannot breathe, i agree i may have looked a bit like a murderer :0/ ' Erm Hellooo' i said politely 'my waters have gone' He then leapt from the bed like a frightened gazelle  in a fast athletic gymnastic kind of  action hes probably not been able to do since 1994 'WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT??????? SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!!!! OMFG he panicked running about looking for clothes to put on, he kind of reminded me of myself back in 1999 before the birth of child 2. I was just glad to still be calm at this point. I sat on the stairs listening to him flitting about, i was waiting for something to kick off but as yet nothing was. I could soon tell that was turning back in to himself he was taking now a bit longer than he aught to be. 'Do you know where the hospital is?' i asked just referring to the time when he got lost and i had child 2 in the car. He was still too involved in trying to get sorted so i waddled upstairs upstairs to wake child 1 he got in the bed just in case small persons 2 and 3 woke up and came in.
Boy 40 was still faffing so i decided to just leave the house, at this point the sole fell off of my boot?? the only footwear that still fit my fat feet :0/ why it chose this particular time to do this i have no idea. Boy 40 was now hot on my trail 'just go sole less we have no choice' he panicked , i now looked liked some kind of care in the community waddling down the steps with one boot in half still holding my toga and  a baby bag which was only half packed. Boy 40 then swore and returned to the house. he had the wrong keys. I stood by the car  it was freezing cold and very misty a hound of the baskavilles kind of night. He then appeared ........ and then disappeared? what does he do in these moments? im sure i will never know, the toga was about to do a dam buster as he shouted down 'shit your mum n dad haven't got a key to get in!!' so he went back in again. A split second later he had bolted down like batman let me in the car and frantically defrosted the outside of the windscreen, he then ran back up to the house to turn off the Christmas tree  lights  i just sat inside looking at my poor boot, i loved those boots.
           We were both now inside the car. Now my car has this problem, it mists up on the inside and what ever you do you cannot touch this mist if you do you will not be able to see out at all for at least 15 minutes or more. So we sat there in the cold for 10 whole minutes as the crappy heater blowers sorted it out.
 Boy 40 and i looked at the windscreen do other couples have these problems? it is like this every single time we go out, i try to blame the kids but really it is not them. So there we sat agreeing that it was not the best time to be just 'sat' in the car, it felt a little like the few minutes before the titanic was about to go down, when everyone was quiet but knew something big was coming . I looked at him and for a minute he was frank Spencer and i was Benny hill  and 'that' i realised is how we will always be.
           Finally we got to the hospital and nothing much happened. we drank tea watched tv, phoned nanny and grampy scared them to death asking them to transport themselves to our house quick sharpish and played scary faces with the mood lamp they had switched on.
Boy 40 and i were not used to this delay normally its pop, bang, born and i had only managed the pop so far. Im sure it was the effects of the hypno cd. Admiring my tazmanian devil socks i stood up it was then that the most hideous pain of my life shot through me. Imagine this pain, most women are in labour for hours so the dilation process is gradual, no not me 0 to 10 cm in half an hour, like a finely tuned sports car but of the cervical variety  !! that's all it was 30 minutes start to finish child 4 had a head like an alien due to the fastness of her entry in to the world, i said to the midwife ' oh my god look at her head its the shape of a butternut squash 'yeah' she said it is isn't it, ...... i just noticed that' not the most reassuring response but luckily she has a round head now.
So that was it really and this is what was in my tummy for 9 months.

We stayed in hospital for the day and night but decided to leave after the fire alarm incident, it was ok the firemen turned up and sorted it out but i thought the best place for me would be home before anything else of such like happened.  Boy 40 i have to say has been the best daddy mummy i could have ever wished for, the first night home we had home made beef wellington , hes done all of the housework, looked after the kids and taken care of all the pets whilst  i have done nothing at all, apart from feed small person 4 every 3 hours. Child 3 is still a little jealous  we could tell this by the way she reclaimed a fisher price crocodile xylophone from child 4's bedroom. It used to be hers i agree when she was about 2. Apparently its her favorite toy and we have been lucky to have listened to many xylophone concerts on it since.
 Ive never seen so many friends in all my life one day visitors started arriving at 11 am with the last ones leaving at 9pm. this went on for the entire week after i had her :0/  i am though overwhelmed by the amount of cards and presents we had, to date i have over 70 cards so far its so nice to have such lovely friends and family, i don't need to buy any baby clothes for months and have enough champagne to sink a battle ship!
          Christmas was hectic but lovely, father christmas came and bought the entire floor space of toys r us, child 3 is now the proud owner of a pair of lazer guns a nerf dart gun and some roller boots :0/  child 2 is whizzing about on a unicycle everywhere and the boy child spent most of Christmas on his new gaming chair. Every year we have a small nativity play. Small person 3 was the casting director this year, Boy 40 was the donkey as per usual, hes the only one who will put up with child 3 sitting on his back all the way to Bethlehem, child 2 was to be a Shepard whilst child 3 cast herself as Mary, Joseph, the king that gives gold the inn keeper and the star of Bethlehem!! She did ask if child 4 could be baby Jesus to which i kindly declined on her behalf :0/ Being home all 6 of us together has been the best present ever. Anyway i really have to go child 4 is stirring i shall come with more tales of Christmas in the next blog, Until next time campas
Happy new year ;0)


            The Twelve Days of Christmas          

On the first day of christmas my baby came to me
........it was bloody agony

On the second day of christmas I had to do a wee
........it was very stingy

On the third day of christmas I had to go home
........there was no charge in my mobile phone

On the fourth day of christmas I had a glass of wine
.......It was about bloody time!

On the fifth cay of christmas they all came to me
.......SIX BILLION VISITORS!!!!

4 a glass of wine, a talk on me phone about me stingy wee and that twas when my baby came to me .......


The End

Don't panic Elton John im not making a habit of my song writing talents ;0)