...................That's not something beautiful like a Tiffany lamp or decorative piece oh no. I mean Tiffany the popstar off of the 80's :0/ you know the song 'I think we're alone now' ??
Well sadly i am not alone (hello readers by the way)
As i write to you today i am bouncing bubba 4 in her chair with my foot, child 2 is on a nebuliser because she is unwell, The boy child is making a cartoon called ' Te ventures of louis because he is mad, :0$ Child 3 is making a concoction in the kitchen with flowers mud and rabbit food and i am fully expecting her to arrive with it any minute and make me drink it :0/
The dog is wandering about like a mad elephant because she needs a walk, the cat is crying to come in the window because she is hungry, the guinea pigs are trotting around in their own dirt because they need cleaning, the other cat is balanced at the top of the open window cursing at her offspring below because she is evil, the fridge is making beeping noises because someone has left it open, the postman is knocking the door because he is annoying, the rabbit is thumping her feet because she probably wants the guinea pigs to shut the ..... up, the hamster is dead and remains dead.
The fish are swimming about in green water because i largely ignore them and as for me well im feeling a bit bored. Oh and boy 40, well he is no where to be seen!
Welcome to Saturday morning at my house.
Boy 40 promised he would be back by 12 it is currently 1 p.m obviously he would prefer to stay at work bashing down walls instead of sharing in the Saturday morning excitement of our home :0/
I t was boredom i have to thank for the Tiffany mistake. My hair is as you probably know is very curly. On a good day i look like a gonk (a badly made 70's toy on a stick) and on a bad day i look like Worzel Gummige. :0/
One day about 12 years ago, before i became mother to so many things me boy 40 and our friends were on a trip to the races at Ascot.
On this day my hair looked unusually lovely and mermaid like, a bit like myself before life took its toll, it was then that a posh man came up to me as many did in those days and said 'Wow who does your hair??' In my reply i lied to that man because i have only been to the hairdressers once in my life and i told him Nicky Clarke :0/ Today if that man asked 'wow who does your hair?' i would firstly have to presume he was quite mad and secondly i would have to answer 'The council'.
It my hair is precisely 47 cm long i know that because i have just measured it. Periodically in a mad moment i will put it in a scrunchy and chop off 6 inches although on the day in question i was not feeling this brave.
I tell you what i was feeling, i was feeling old!! It was then that i had the stupid idea of cutting me a fringe :0/ The last time i did that i looked 10 years younger, and indeed i was ten years younger.
Although i am nearly 40 AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHH i hate admitting that it makes me choke!, inside i feel 16,...... its just the outside where i have the problems.
I never thought i would be 40 i mean obviously i would be one day but it always seemed so far away, like the moon. Now its precisely 1 year and 2 months away unlike the moon which is still as far away as ever :o/ Man its enough to make me cry i shall grow old so disgracefully ill be ashamed of myself :o/
So bubba 4 was asleep as per usual. I stood in front of the large mirror in the hallway with the scissors in my hand, to many i may have looked like a murderer standing there with that look upon my face. and in many ways i was.
I brushed down the front of my hair, my age then smacked me in the face once again this time quite literally. :0/ it was not as thick as it was the last time i did this maneuver good lord i could see through it :0( before i had the chance to be depressed about lady baldness i noticed that some of it was also white!! white i tell you long white 47 cm hairs!! my day was getting worse. I proceeded to cut off about 30 cms all the way across! that's a whole rulers worth! ..............For Christs sake i could have tested it first, i could have quite easily folded up a fringe with the long hair and gripped it in place. But no im not as clever as that and now there was no going back, i was instantly transmogrified in to an 80's throw back chick :o/ i did look younger but i also looked like a right twat.
To add to the idioticness of the whole incident I did not decide to do something this drastic at the weekend oh no i decided to do it 2 hours before i had to go out in public to pick up child 3 from school :o/ Looking down i realised i had on my big woolly jumper known as my Tiffany jumper (you know the one i set fire to that time :0/ )
I was Tiffany!
I removed it immediately but still looked like a bad 80's replica and felt self conscious as i walked to the school. Response from my friends was quite good, they immediately noticed the Tiff cut and made many comments of how much younger i looked.
Child 3 came out of school got on her bike and put on her helmet, it was then that she noticed me and her jaw dropped to the floor. 'Oh my god mum what have you done? where has your dangelly hair gone?....... you don't look like you ! (no i thought i look younger, my wrinkle's only appeared when i met you).
The theme of family comment was to stay the same the boy child thought i looked 'a bit 80's' child 2 just gave me a weird look and when boy 40 arrived home he immediately came over to me gave me the biggest hug he could ever give and said 'Your hair is different are you ok?' like id had some kind of break down :0/
That evening as i walked passed the chip shop window i checked myself out in the reflection, my face looked really fat boy 40 agreed that the long ringletts i chopped of were a bit more sexy than the Tiff fringe and so i have ditched the fringe and have filed it away somewhere with the other mistakes that i have made in my life including that car called Sharon :0/ With a lot of hair spray i can glue it to the rest of the long stuff which is fine until it rains :0/ .......And then i look like johnny Rotten :0/
I have been blaming many things on having a baby brain, its a good excuse i find but could be wearing a little thin, i may start blaming my age, yeah my age mixed with baby brain mixed with being slightly dim! that should give people reason to make allowances like when i text facebook private texts which should go to family members, luckily i do actually know all of my facebook friends so they fully understood when the message 'teas gone tits up im going to maccie dees' arrived. as a status update.
Teas gone tits up quite a lot recently :0/ I had 10 people for Sunday lunch the other week imagine my horror when i saw this in the oven :o/ .........Their pudding !!
It was supposed to be a crumble but it had no crumbelly bits they had some how all sunk :0/ Bless my dad he said he liked it that way :o/ but we all knew he thought it looked like vomit just like the rest of them :0/
I was also horrified to discover that Tesco have stopped selling the beef stroganoff packet mix!!! Boy 40
loves that delightful meal that i cook him, he is impressed that i know how to make it for a start.
What do ya fancy for tea? i asked him one morning before work, Beef stroganoff would be nice he said. Shit i had already discovered that Tesco had stopped selling it and was all of a panic i have no bloody idea whats in it i just mix it up with half a pint of semi skimmed milk!! I searched many supermarkets and finally found it in sainsburys, quickly purchasing it i legged it home fast and got away with it for the hundredth time of cooking :0/ You might be thinking oh my god what if boy 40 reads this blog :0/ well he doesn't, hes not remotely interested in it, he feels that it is bad enough the first time round without having to re live it :0/
That night i was busy painting this years country show poster and so let child 3 do the online shopping for the week. Right or wrong im not sure she ordered everything i wanted which was great but i also ended up with a 6 pack of frazzles enough Haribo to sink a battle ship and an Alvin and the chipmunks DVD.
The show poster i mentioned was taking a hideously long time, i do this artwork every year, this year
i am on maternity leave but have done it as a favour most of it has been painted with one hand whilst dancing about singing and entertaining bubba 4 in the other :o/ When i was taking the instructions from the country show organisers i also was balancing many different things in my already full head these are my notes :0/
So there i am i need to put together a poster this is very difficult work at the best of times without a small baby balancing on your person. I look at my notes right the first thing to go in would be the queens jublees :o/ im sure that would get me hung ? secondly Charles dick who's Bi apparently :o/ Limp rings is just too much to bear surely this list taken at face value would get me fired off the job forever ! :0/ Local bears ?? i was not aware we had any :o/ and a hor tent? Omfg. why do i do this ? i take down a load of short hand crap and always think i will remember what the hell it means :o(
Of course eventually i worked it all out to be the Queens jubilee, Charles Dickens Bicentenary, Olympic rings, local beer and a horticultural tent!!! thank god for that!Any way enough of me im really boring.
Child 3 this week has im afraid to say started Karate I felt sorry for boy 40 who had to take her there, we had many practice attempts before she went out and many things got dented :0( shes wanted to do karate since she was 3 and so far i have managed to steer her away from it :0/, i am happy to report though that she decided to do a sponsered silence in the easter holidays and for that we were all glad, she stayed silent up until the point in Hobby craft when she had that little falling out with the old lady :0(
To be fair to her the old lady and her friend should probably have not been walking that close to the small button and needle work stand :o/ i do agree though that child three probably should have not upon their excuse me's whispered really loudly to me ' mum they told me off !! i couldn't ask them to move im not allowed to talk to strangers .........and they are strange :0/ It was the fluffy material you see shes blinded by things like that and is drawn to them, its just not my fault that she sees no other living thing and tends to move forward very quickly like a buffalo :0/ It was in the same week that she offended another old lady in waitrose
she was only trying to help!! Only when the cashier put half of my stuff through with the old ladies because child 3 had added my shopping but not put a 'next customer' sign up the old lady who to be fair was very posh and had no manners started tutting and spiting venomous words under her breath. Child 3 at this point
looked a bit afraid and so was i to be quite frank.
Following the old lady incident we popped up to see the kids nanny and grampy just to reassure ourselves that old people were not all bad ;0) My mobile started ringing as we sat there and i casually pulled the land line phone out of my nappy changing bag :0/ i mean i know my mobile isn't as new and fandangelled as it could be but it is not as large as a brick :0/ They all understood what an idiot i am and we left just before 5 because whilst packing the land line in to my changing bag i had forgotten to pack a nappy :0( Well apart from bubba 4 gassing out a public house with her foul smellin nappy last weekend not a lot more has happened, Child 2 is quite poorly with a chest infection but im not allowed to talk about her because she says shes not a comedy show :0/ I will just say though it was rather funny last Wednesday night when she decided to leave home, mainly because child 3 was getting on her nerves all she was taking was a hula hoop and a pink guitar ? in the end though she came back in she only got as far as the porch when she decided to go the following morning because it was raining :0/ then she got ill so the hula hoop and guitar are still stood by the door. The boy child has not been up to much but he did spend 20 pounds of my money last week on a batman mask :0/ Anyway thats it im off ill just leave you with a little Tribute song to Tiffany wot i wrote when i was her.
Toodle pip xxxx
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