Too FAT to get out of the car :0(

Greetings 2086 readers!!!!
2086 people are actually interested in my crap life and I'm so excited!!, its like having 2038 counsellors, i mean you don't say much but its nice to know your there listening to the unfortunate mishaps which frequent my life on a daily basis. :0/
        Another piece of exciting information to befall my ears today was the fact that someone has nominated me in to the top 50 best bloggers off of Blabber.com !!! So if you are reading today pwease pwease 'Like' my blog @  http://www.babble.com/babble-50/mommy-bloggers/nominate-a-blogger/ I am number 360 on page 8 of the alphabetical listings, as to date i only have 14 likes but its only been up for a day so i should probably be more patient,  I've only ever been in one competition before and that was a mothering Sunday card competition in 'The Stroud News and Journal' in the year of 1980! ......... I actually won it and for that i am still proud, with the £1.50 prize winnings i bought some new felt tip pens and art materials. Its funny really that 31 years later and my artwork still features in the exact same paper mainly at Christmas or for country show events.
           That leads me conveniently to the story of Saturday the 16th of July :0/ The very day of the yearly country show. I am lucky enough to have become resident artist to the show and Each year i produce a hand painted poster  and have a free stall to display said posters and various artworks of what i may have.

A rather nice logo designed by moi just to get you in the mood of the country show day :0)

Its normally a lovely sunny day in which i catch up with the important people off of town lots of friends and get an invite to the presidents marque for luncheon.
           This year however  being of the pregnant kind i decided to give my stall to the boy child and his beautiful girlfriend Beatrice who also happens to be the next Nigella Lawson. They were to sell lovely cupcakes and cookies wot she had made, i also am having a clear out of artwork to make way for bubba 4.
           So what did it do?? At 8.00Am the sky's  opened and there was a monsoon!! It rained like it has never rained before :0( Poor Nigella and boy child they had at least 80 cakes and had been planning the event for weeks :0( Bravely they decided to go ahead with it.
           Boy 40 and the teenagers loaded up the van and off they trotted  in the peeing down rain with gazebos, tables and much cakeage. I was to meet a friend of mine & the editor of the other local paper at 10.am to judge the colouring competition in fact this is the 2nd time in 8 months i have been a judge of a colouring competition the last one was at the Christmas tree festival off of the town, so Simon Cowel if your looking for any judges in the future i have experience!! :0)
            Ten o'clock in the business tent what would be so difficult about that??
Child 2 and 3 are not very good at helping. The rain was hammering down and the car was parked some way from the house. I had 2 portfolios of artwork and half a gazebo of what boy child had forgot..
           Drowned, fat scarecrow would be the only words i could use to describe myself upon reaching the car. Child 2 and 3 didn't look much better. They had a small display stand each, how they simultaneously did it i do not know but between the house and the car both stands were both broken :0( Child 2 had also managed to stand in cat shit :0(
          It was already 10.am so i just had to go, bubba 4 had also had no breakfast and was i think protesting by spinning about and such like in the temporary chaotic home i call my womb.
         The show ground was already  filling up with various organisers and stall holders. Fairground attractions and  many cows and sheep were in place as were the prize vegetables. And so the rain hammered on down. Some were lucky to have big marquees.The boy child and Nigella were doing everything they could to keep their gazebo grounded in fact at one point it nearly blew away altogether. Being so busy at this point i was lucky to get a parking space where i did. Lucky i thought until i tried to get out of the car. Many people witnessed my embarrassment. There i was with my hair stuck fast with rain to my head drenched to the skin, my two tramp like children now out of the car holding their broken stuff as i tried to squeeze myself out of the car door :0(
I was extremely flustered by now and very late. I am only a small person and can normally squeeze in and out of any space. There was no way i was gonna get out of this one :0/ By now i was swearing a lot, i had chucked some of my stuff out before me and now looked like some kind of street entertainment, you know when one person starts looking at something? and everyone else walking by has to have a look too? there was now a small crowd forming. It was no use i had to re park the car or i would never get out, this meant fishing with my arm for stuff id chucked out already and obviously the kids and their broken contraptions had to get back in :0(  The sun came out about lunch time and no one entered the colouring competition :0/ apart from that hundreds of people turned out and the two lovely people in charge were very happy.
          Broken contraptions was another downfall of mine this week. The petrol flap on my car cannot be opened unless there are 2 of you. One to press the button on the inside of the drivers door and another to pull the petrol flap open from outside the passengers side of the car. This proves very difficult if you run out of petrol when you are on your own, unless of course you are Mr Tickle.
         I had a similar infuriating problem with my previous car, That had no driver side window well not one you could open :0( It had come off of the runners so one finger on the electric button and Bosh it would have smashed down inside the door breaking to smithereens :0( I couldn't park in a multistory car park for a year! ( drive in ticket machines) Worse than that i could not visit any take away drive throughs, unless i reversed around them, this was not very practical and quite dangerous, i got very thin that year :0/
        Back to my current petrol flap problem, because of this Little conundrum i declined the kind invite of purchasing petrol  by way of red light on the dash board because i was by myself.
        The next day i kind of forgot all about it and went driving off to the nearest city about 12 miles away to look at the prams for bubba 4. Also i needed to buy a present for my friends little girl which i had forgotten all about :0(
       Whilst at the shop i swore id never go into again i decided to pop across the road to look in the office shop for a corner desk.
        Mistaken by the shops position i ended up walking about half a mile. I didn't find it, wasted a whole morning and ended up back at home 'without' the present i had just bought :0( it was still on the checkout in the shop :0(
         It was the next day that boy 40 called me at 8.30 am to warn me that he had noticed there was no petrol in the car. Ah that'll be alright i thought it has at least 30 miles when the light comes on................ I was wrong , or may be right my maths is atrocious.
After driving myself to some place i had to be i moved the confiscated toy from in front of the petrol display :0(
0 miles shit!! it was 0 miles and i was 2 miles at least from the garage :0(
       Me and bubba 4 were stressed. I status updated my conundrum on face book for advise but they all just laughed at me.  I did get there you will gladly learn, but my method of payment did not :0(
       Cheeky enough was i to get the man from behind the till to press my button in the first place but then i realised i had no purse AAAAAgggghhh. My face wore a blank expression which i think helped my cause as i explained what i had done. Also the fat bump protruding from my middle may have helped too. "Erm I'm too fat to walk home" i explained. I think though he'd had enough of me by now and his queue was getting rather long, so he let me off. I returned later that day of course and paid the fella.
         The following morning boy 40 did not leave home at the usual time of 6.30 am, Extra help in the morning you may think. Not helpful at all really, and i realised this would be the Case when he pulled the bin bag from the bin which then exploded all over the kitchen floor :0( This was to make me feel very unwell, being a man it took a full 25 minutes to clean it all up thus making me 25 minutes late grrrrrrr.
         Child 2 cleverly pointed out as we were late for school again that it was a good job that her surname was quite far down on the register so she had at least 4 minutes leeway every day. I told her she must marry someone with the surname of the letter R or onwards for future same lateness problems as she has sadly inherited my scatty jeans :0/
          Assembly was interesting that afternoon, Child 3 was in the golden book for writing a most excellent story. She was then to read it out In front of all of the mummy's and daddy's. It was very good and quite normal until the part where she 'ate' her pet :0/ All of the other mummy's looked at me, my Friend whispered loudly 'shes her mummy's daughter alright!' :0/
          That evening the phone went and stopped. It rang again 2 minutes later and it was my good friend fizzer. " mate whats wrong with your phone?" she asked. Nothing as far as i know i replied. I then asked child 2 and 3 if they had answered it, "Well" said child 3 yes we did but it was a with held number so we didn't speak" I was a little puzzled. "Yes " Piped up child 2 "we didn't speak because we are not allowed to talk to strangers......!!!" omg , well at least suppose I've taught them well.

         I had better go i seem to have been off loading my stresses for far to long, i hope i have  not over stayed my welcome in cyber space this week.
         Just one more thing though 2038 counsellors of mine, i do have to share one more small conundrum i have found myself in this week :0(
        I'm not really sure what to do about it, it seems I've messed up again through being a complete div! I have this friend who is just starting up in business by himself, a hard job at the best of times. Being like i am i said 'Ill design you some advertising postcards and business cards if you like!!" ....... and a website!! for complete free!! (i spend my life making statements like this)
        He was very grateful and i spent a hideous amount of time scanning and uploading photos, designing wording 2 different business cards and post cards. I carefully chose a domain name for the website and carefully set it all up ready for text and pictures. I then sent the designs to the printers and had 100 of each printed (of what my friend is paying for)
        It was then i made the big boo boo :0( bigger than the one i made last week when i told my mothering law her home smelt of shite :0(
       I went back to the website to finish it off only i cant remember the password or the user name to get back in to it :0( its gone :0( i wrote some bumbling words down on some paper but must have miss spelt them, my brain will never throw that information back up :0( The website address is on all of the business cards and post cards 200 of them what he has paid for :0( 
       WHY oh why do i do these things? its exactly like the time i forgot my Argos reservation number and so could not buy the thing i needed for child 3's birthday what was the next day :0( they had 1 left in stock but it was reserved by me :0(  and i couldn't have it :0(
Why am i such an idiot? and when will it all end?
Until next time dudes

Something pretty to look at Add the rain and it looked just like it ;0)
P.s please vote for me ill look a right divvy if i have no votes ;0)

Who did win 26 million? The Midwife Crisis & A Faux Pas Of The Most terrible Un-Kind

YO
I thought id start writing now to distract myself from the unfortunate happenings of this morning.
       In small summary ' 1 wet skirt, 1 dirty shirt, Holey trousers, broken shoes, wobbly glasses. 1 tic, and a weetabix explosion' :0(
       So its 10.00 A.M and I'm still wondering how i actually got them to school on time. Whilst microwaving the wet school skirt (not my best idea) i wrestled with child 3 'THE actual fashion expert off of the whole of England' ... and her trousers. I am sorry to say she is again today wearing 'The wrong trousers' . I finally removed the dirty ones with the stitching up the bottom (in the wrong colour thread) from her tight sweaty grasp and i put them in the wash. Well Lady's and gentlemen you would have thought i was committing a hideous crime!!.
      So world war 3 broke out right then in my kitchen, the weetabix exploded from the packet in my hand, i over cooked the skirt and burnt my hand on the button and then discovered Graham the cat had a Tic stuck fast in to her neck.
      Child 2 was just sitting down quietly eating her breakfast. Child 3 had a face like thunder as she sat 'in the wrong trousers' and ate her breakfast whilst stomping on the rest of her 'wrong' clothes.
       I pinned down the cat with my water Buffalo pregnant weight and surgically removed the Tic. I made up child 2's antibiotics and administered the vitamin D which has finally arrived some six weeks after we were told she was severely deficient in it.  Well its taken them 11 years to find that out so what does an extra 6 weeks matter? grrrrrrrrrrrrrr. I mended the shoes and brushed the hair, i mended the glasses and didn't find the lost hearing aid. we found the car keys i lose everyday and we were off.
         Reflecting back on last week makes me wonder if i will ever have a normal life? My friends don't want to believe the unfortunate events which befall me but they have too because in 20 years nothing has changed, even before that it was the same :0/
         Exactly a week ago today Child 3 was still off of school with Tonsillitis. Being very tired in the afternoons i fell asleep whilst watching Spongebob at 2.00 PM. Awakened with a start at 3.pm the boy child was informing me that i had better go and pick up child 2 from school :0/
       So me Tonsillitis girl and the boy child left the house immediately. I had an appointment with the midwife at 3.30, not wanting to spread tonsillitis about the doctors surgery to all of the mental.... i mean pregnant women, and of course not wanting child 2 to catch anything from the doctors surgery, i decided to leave them all in the car, i mean what could go wrong? child one the boy child is a young adult now and completely responsible. After all I'm normally only gone for 10 minutes.
          Whilst sitting and waiting in the waiting room with all of the other fattys i glanced down at my hands, it was then that i felt all warm and my  fat hamster like cheeks went very red. What had child 3 done to me???
      Whilst i was asleep she had outlined all of my veins in blue Biro :0(  The backs of my hands looked like spooky trees, she had also done inside my wrists. I looked down at my sandals and yes she had too done my feet :0( Spit and hard rubbing inconspicuously also made it worse.
         I had been waiting for half an hour now and there was not much sign of me going in soon, feeling anxious about the small people i text the boy child, he assured me they were all fine (which kinda worried me more) Half an hour after that me and my blue veins were called in, All was well we listened to child 4's heart beat and my blood pressure was very low again, no wonder i keep fainting my heart cant be assed to pump the stuff round, at least i now have licence to eat stuff i fancy like hideous amounts of crisps n chips, i need the salt you see ;0)
         So i left the surgery and amazingly all was good when i reached the car, no scraps no injury's and ........... No battery :0(
It was great that they had decided to plug boy child's i pod in to the cigarette lighter to have a mini disco for an hour, But it was not great that the car would now not start :0( Nothing there at all the battery was completely flat.
        At 5 pm the Midwife drove past on her way home, GRRRRR roared child 2 through the window. (she was hungry, anyone who knows child 2 knows NEVER to come between her and her food)  I called boy 40 immediately who was at that time bombing it through the countryside to come and save us. 5.30PM The ' i spy ' game  abruptly ended when child 3 i spied Mac Donald's, (which was no where near us) she did this to wind 2 up and it worked. I was also starving and child 4 was bouncing about on my bladder :0(  Then i had a thought, As Alanis Morrisett used to say 'Isn't it ironic' I'm sat at the doctors with an ill car :0( why me??
I also realised at that point that the MOT had run out :0( so it couldn't be left there we HAD to fix it :0( we no longer have AA cover ....... we got banned for calling them out too many times :0(
        Boy 40 arrived and Ive never been so glad to see him in all my life!!! There was a terrifying moment when he maneuvered the car out of its parking space, oh and another one when hes was running with it down hill towards a stationary car :0/ It was OK though he jumped in it like spider man and the engine fired up. Hurrahh!!! The kids thought he was a super hero, i was glad i would be reaching a toilet within the next 10 minutes.
         The next day our good friend Mike came and picked up Trixy floss slinker Bell and took her for an mot. I'm not sure of what happened upon this day but my luck was in and she passed!!! omg how extraordinary, although i do recall i did have a lucky day before it was one Friday in 1998.
        The next day i was to discover that the Focus Diy store of my town was selling 5 litre tins of paint for £2.76!!!! Rightly or wrongly i went to have a look after school. I needed to purchase some new paint for Santa's little helpers (child 4's) new bedroom. I knew the timing of  this (being 'after' school was probably a mistake when i walked through the door. Child 3 had hold of the trolley and child 2 was keen to search for the green and yellow paints i was after. Child 2 proved to be very helpful to me However child 3 as usual was not :0(  There she was sat in the trolley seat the wrong way having climbed up there herself :0( She then got her chubby legs stuck, not being able to lift her at the moment i had no choice but to ask a member of staff to assist me :0/
         I did not bother explaining why my child who is obviously too old and big for trolleys was sat in it in that manner, although now in retrospect it may have been better to have left her there :0/
         Child 3, 1 trolley and a half empty superstore with lots of open floor space was not an agreeable situation to me. She suddenly became possessed and began running and skidding for hideous distances not caring about the massive pyramids of paint she was heading for, she was having such a lovely time she noticed no humans either, i cant go through what happened next again, but the member of staff involved was not too pleased, needless to say i grabbed the paint paid for it and legged it very quickly :0/
           That evening when i had recovered from the trolley trauma and i thought of my lucky day in purchasing such bargain paint i  thought i may be on a roll, so i decided to win the euro millions.
           It was only 10 minutes before they closed and this was not the correct 10 minutes to have a memory black out., I couldn't for the life of me remember my lottery account user name or password :0( I was defiantly about to win and i only had 5 minutes now in which to get my ticket. I decided to open another account as there was no chance in remembering it at all, in the past few months i have forgotten car tax, mot, birthdays, appointments and all sorts of stuff the lottery password was never going to resurface :0/
So now i have a new account with 3 minutes to spare. I was nervous  There was 26 million riding on this i entered my bank card details DOH!!!!! it wouldn't accept them because this was the card (the only debit card i have) that was linked to the 'other' lottery account :0( I shouted at boy 40 to quickly give me his, i had one minute to win 26 million, he did not take my lucky day seriously so did not run very fast, he passed me the card ......... which didn't work :0( I have millions of credit cards and was not aware that you cannot gamble with those :0( So bloody marvelous, after all that stress the time had run out, at least i suppose my blood pressure was  a little higher.
 Because 'I' didn't win it was obviously a roll over but my chance was up as i forgot all about it last night until it was too late, so who ever won it its rightfully mine you can contact me through face book and ill have it back thanks.
            Well that only leaves me to tell you about the Faux pas of the most terrible kind. :0(   &   :0o
       Twas on the night that i didn't win the lottery that Granny P phoned and invited us all for lunch that Sunday.
         Boy 40 said on the phone that he would check with me and call her back mmmmmm
Here comes the terrible thing :0(
         Listen I'm pregnant, things wot people don't understand wind me up. Sickness for instance. Granny P has a farm. It smells. It smells bad!!!! 200 cows arses and a massive silage pit is situated not far from her house :0( Its awful and festers in the heat on hot days. If the wind blows in the wrong direction its hideous. Believe me it is NOT agreeable to my current situation, i cant even open cat food :0(
         I said begrugengly to boy 40 that Sunday lunch would be OK :0/ So he tried to phone her back, she was not there.
It was at that point (when i thought he had put the phone down) that i opened my big mouth and shouted to him. "I'M NOT GOING IF IT STINKS OF SHITE MIND!!!............... YOU HAD BETTER GO UP THE DAY BEFORE TO CHECK IT OUT............. IF IT STINKS OF SHITE I CANNOT GO!!!"
 mmmmmmm Fec.........    :0/
A bit later on in the evening he tried to call her back :0/ "strange" he says i cant get any dialling tone. " that noise is because the other phone is off the hook" i said confidently, its happens if someone hasn't put the phone down properly.
           It was then that my blood ran cold :0(  because 'he' had used the said phone last, which was off the hook, and he had not put it down :0(
           It slowly dawned on me that the phone must have been ringing and ringing whilst Granny P was probably sat on the toilet and unable to answer.............. the answer phone was most definatly kicking in as she reached for the flush :0(  Because 'HE' the numb nuts had not put the phone down :0(  thus recording my big shouty terrible stinky poo message :0(
           When we did arrive on the Sunday Granny was there to greet us in the yard, i was unaware whether or not she had listened to the answer messages on her phone :0(
           It was not helpful that child 2 opened the car door saying "Ah the land of poo! cow poo, pig poo, horse poo" her and child 3 then reinacted a whole scene from nanny Mc phee, about farm poo, much to Granny's complete confusion.
          I'm so ashamed and i hope she realises i meant the farm and not her house :0(
And that's all i have to say about that :0/

Anyway i had better go the house is a tip and i have done sod all today

Toodle pip.

Cheese Strings, Bleach and Fat pants

Hello
 Today i bring this shite to you from a sunnier disposition.
Finally after 15 weeks i am feeling Happy!!! Yes i said 'Happy'. (despite the fact child 2 is currently on a nebuliser and child 3 is suffering with tonsillitis)
           I cannot quite believe it is true, all of a sudden THE 'Miserable woe is me, i want to live under that rock, i hate everyone,  and I'm so angry i could fight Voldamort' feeling has gone!!! And i am SO glad, i am late writing this blog by the way because i now feel the need to write letters of apology to everyone for being so disgustingly miserable :0(
         One good thing to come out of it i suppose is that i have given the eye wrinkles a rest though lack of laughter , i best get some new cream now.
         My mind though is still i am sorry to say a bit absent, so i will work backwards with the week ending in the Toys R Us fiasco ........ grrrrrrrrr
I am currently painting the back drop for the kids school play, i am even dreaming of mushrooms weird trees and huge toadstools, unfortunately the fabric is not of the usual theatre backdrop canvas but has more of a spongey consistency so my painting looks quite playschool like. I can only just manage to cover it in paint, never mind any fine detail :0(  i also managed to walk all over it giving myself blue feet of which i then walked upon the hall floor with :0( after that i knackered my new birthday sandals wot are now blue :0(
              Worse than that is the sad fact that i had to go to Tesco's yesterday to purchase some 'fat pants' What has happened to my life?? I'm supposed to be rich and famous by now, not buying 'fat pants' in Tescos because i only have 3 pairs left wot actually fit me :0(
              I may as well set all of my size 8's and 6's on fire because at this rate i will NEVER wear them again.  :0(
Following the insertion of the fat pants in to my trolley i proceeded to the checkout. UN be known to me the kind looking understanding old lady whom was on the till was to be replaced by a young fit lad of about 20, I'm not sure i wanted him to see my 5 pack of fat pants :0(  I'm all of a kerfuffle by now He gives me no bags as usual and makes me feel like an 'un green' bad ass plastic bag lover. And then begins to put through the hideous amount of food shopping. The pants are coming up on the conveyor belt and i am turning red "ALCOHOL" He shouts at the top of his voice to the old enough person to sell it who was probably 5 miles away. Being flustered by not enough bags, him going to fast and fat pants coming up i was in a bit of a panic 'itssss not MINE!!!!' i shouted back in my defense, he looked at me like i was a freak, I'm obviously old enough to buy it :0(
(When your preggers you feel a little defensive like this, you cant do anything you see, i haven't drank wine in 15 weeks and I'm beginning to get the shakes)_Anyway i chucked the rest in the trolley grabbed boy 40's beers hid the fat pants under the orange juice and legged it.
            This past week i have to say has had its ups and downs as usual, it was the boy child's last day at school last Tuesday and that made me very sad :0( I remembered as i drove home from dropping him off, of when he was 5 his big blue eyes and blond ringlets on his first day at primary, he was so tiny then. Now he's taller than me with a jaw the shape of He mans and hairier legs than his dad :0(   He's still got the blond curls and blue eyes though.
His prom was the next day held in a rather posh venue in Tetbury, he had a good time although was not impressed with the 'local radio' style disco after the dinner, £35 PER head makes me think they should have had a better DJ perhaps but then he is a rather fussy boy when it comes to music. He was to go to a camping party after the prom which kinda worried me a little so i had a word with him when he came in at 11pm. He came home to change out of his suit and to kiss his mummy night night " Don't do anything i wouldn't do " i said. He looked at me in a confused manner " well that doesn't leave much mum does it!! " he said smiling. What was he saying??? there was i in my moo cow pajamas glass of milk by my side.. cheeky monkey, he even went as far as saying that he wouldn't do anything i would do :0( Then off he went, Boy 40 (daddy's taxi) finally returned home at 12.30 pm
             It was also on this day that child 3 proudly announced to her teacher and the class that Mummy wrote a blog!!! Omfg ............ All of the kids and the teacher were very interested about this fact and i have had many questions since. Child 3 thought this was hilarious (she knows whats in it........ her mainly) and she laughed as her teacher was asking me what it was about :0(
           I tried to explain to child 3 that it is only people with a certain sense of humour that may appreciate this blog, a sense of humour like mine hers and 1800 other people (get in)
I'm sure it would be very unpalatable for some types, what with the swearing and gutter type subjects such as poo and rabbits arses, but anyway what can you do?
         Talking of gutters and things, i unfortunately nearly let out my best  friends secret to hundreds in this week on face book. :0(
my oldest and funniest friend of about 26 years 'fizzer' follower number 3, had a little guessing game going on to our friends to guess my facebook password, (no one would ever guess it, its far to weird) but i was off to bed as this guessing game was still  going on, so i decided  to take drastic action and  threatened to out  her with 'the tarmac incident off of 1988 at the 'golden cross' cross roads, down near where i lived.
A rather messy incident which can never be repeated in both speech or diagram, much banter was to be had though as you can imagine, it provided many with entertainment for a good few days, all sorts of rumours have been flying about!!............
so erm I'm publicly sorry about that fizzer (shes called fizzer by the way due to a bit of a diet coke accident in the wimpy in about 1987 when we were  14 ish.... that wasn't pleasant either) also the imaginary vision in my head the other morning when i phoned her was not of a pleasant nature.
"Hi mate its only me!" "Oh hello can i ring you back Ive got my flinky out at the moment, I'm just having a shower" Oh my Christ what is she like??, but anyway i treasure the day she offered me a polo at westonbirt arboretum on a school trip when we were 11 because Ive never had a best friend like her.
            I met another friend for lunch too this week (my sister in law), i hadn't seen her for ages, i suggested a restaurant in our local town, Its really nice in there but all i could smell was the vile smell of the fish tank which i think they must have cleaned out last in about 1984 :0( i pretended it wasn't there (the smell) but her face said that she could smell it too, another disaster which put me right off my food.
The cats have had it good this week though food wise, i walked in the other day to find child 3 sharing a cheese string with them both :0( no wonder she currently has tonsillitis I'm sure sharing cheese strings with cats is not healthy. The dog would have loved it too but she was still in hiding. Child 3 you see had been watching a nature program about crocodiles. "MUM...... MUM" she shouted the previous day "look i know the technique of wrestling a crocodile" ................. :0(
           I walked in to find her with the dog in a head lock, the dog did in fact look just like a crocodile, what with her arms up like that and her tail the way it was. The technique was indeed correct. I'm just glad shes a loving Labrador and not a feisty pit bull. Don't worry Rspca if your reading (again) shes fine now and was not harmed during the experiment.
          Insomniac island has been on and off this week, although when I'm not on it I'm dreaming weird stuff, last night i got kidnapped by Duncan Banatine again and locked in dragons den, a few days before that i cut off all my hair, it was placed in the corners of toys r us car park ready to be spun in to gold, and the strangest dream was of sausages mash and baked beans, i made that dream come true the following day......... what a dream to make come true, i have such a rock n roll life style :0/
           I saw Evita Friday night at the theatre one of boy 40's last birthday presents to redeem, we were late getting there as usual i had to shove my pre show meal down my throat at 5o mph, and take my shoes off to run up stairs to the posh seats (good job we had the posh seats I'm too fat for the cheap ones now) I was also invited to see Take that on this evening at wembley, but i just couldn't face Robbie seeing me in such a fat state, at least in the theatre it was dark :0(
         .................. Well apart from the nail glue incident, the bleach accident and the Xfiles day when all of my phones were cut off that's about it.
              It was the day of the fish tank meal i had  the nail glue problem. Have you ever watched 'Theres something about Mary?' I kind of reinacted that. :0/ The nail glue was so powerful it shot up through my eye brow and in to my hair, sticking it all up in a rather strange manner, i did spend over an hour picking it off before i went, and i have spent quite a few hours since trying to remove it. So soz sister in law about my hair that day and the fish smell (of which you clearly noticed both )............ may be 'that's' why we don't go out too often,
The bleach accident was a little more worrying, although the nail glue made a big  ugly splodge splatter stain across the wooden floor, the bleach was worse, wrecking the utility room the clean washing on the airier and my whole attire for that day
:0(   I cant even be bothered to go in to the Moulder and Sculley day, but i am perfectly sure Aliens were on their way to kidnap me to experiment on my brain
:0(  Luckily they did not succeed and i am still here.
               So we are back to the Saturday and the Toys R us experience. I would really like to know where they get off in treating their customers so badly ??? Half an hour i was in there being tired pregnant and hungry, all i wanted was to purchase a cot bed. To elaborate would  bore the fat pants off of you so i shan't, just don't shop in there is my advise, they demand you pick up your (paid for with lots of money item) within 24 hours (like i can put a cot bed on my head and walk home) or they charge £20 delivery when online delivery is free but you can't use the website to order said cot bed (as you've been trying for weeks) because it is so shite!!! Well they obviously do not need any customers and i shall never shop there again.
      And Now campas is the daddy's guide to pregnancy pull out guide, soon available in all GPS surgery's. Print it out and put it on the fridge.

                                   A DADDY'S GUIDE TO SURVIVING PREGNANCY

 1. It is ALL your fault and don't forget it

 2. 'IF' your wife , life partner, one night stand or other
    demands a kebab at 2.30 in the morning, she actually NEEDS one
    You must fetch one immediately from the local Kebab house to prevent
     personal injury

3. Ignore the fact your wife now has to wear big fat pants,
    just concentrate and be grateful to the fact she also now needs big fat bras

4. Chocolate is VERY important, always be on call day or night to
     Make a mercy dash to the shops, also tomato ketchup and
      wotsits are very important too

  5. If she asks you to rub her feet, just do it eh?? and be grateful you can             
      still see them as she probably cant

 6. Be sympathetic when she cries over lost coleslaw,
    or you may find it in your FAT face.
     Food is a very important thing at this time it is the ONLY
     Pleasure she has

  7. DO NOT look at skinny pretty girls through the monocle glasses at
      the theatre especially if you nicked the pound from your wife to hire
     them......... the glasses not girls
      THIS MAY RESULT IN SERIOUS INJURY

   8. Do NOT leave any dirty pots in the kitchen for your wife to find in the
       morning,
       morning sickness is not pleasant and actually releases evil endorphins
       to its inflicter Remember you are out all day and she has access to your
       Tooth brush

   9.  Take her out often and buy her chips. the odd Kentucky fried chicken wouldn't
       go a miss occasionally either. Buy her many presents.
       What suffering do you have to go through??? none!!

    10. Do all of the house work, all of the cooking, clean out all of the pets,
          Do the washing, let her lie in bed all day, buy her shoes, clean out the car,
         Do not EVER mention hamster cheeks,

     11. A good tip would be, NOT to say what you think.
         'my god look at the size of them stretch marks'
         But to lie your ass off and say ' whoa my Christ you must
         have been so super skinny before to have THIS many stretch marks'

     12. Do not expect her to do anything at all for 40 weeks because after all
          IT IS ALL YOUR FAULT


Well there you are campas, i shall shortly be submitting this to Mother and Baby Magazine and practical parenting so if you don't print it out now just wait for the next editions ;0)

Until Next time xxxxxxxx :0) :0) :0) :0)