Starter motors, Lumps and Horse Flys :0/

So whats happened since we last spoke? ......... Well what hasn't bloody happened since we last spoke?, I'm unsure where abouts to start really, its all merged in to one long unfortunate nightmare.
             It all started Last Monday  when a photo of me appeared on facebook at my friends wedding :0/ i didn't realise that i look 'that' fat already........... This time, the '4th' time i was determined i was going to look gorgeous and fit with a bump at the front, a bit like Nenah Cherry off of the 80's.
I am afraid i to say that i look more like Susan Boyle :0(  Susan Boyle with added big FAT hamster cheeks. They always  appear on my face at a certain weight. Making my smiles look like the 'My names chubby' poem kids do when they are squeezing they're cheeks together at school, remember the one ??............ yak.
I don't want to smile much at the moment anyway so i shouldn't be too worried.
1 stone in weight gained already!! I'm so vain i can't help it and i know that is a really bad quality to have, but its the only bad one i do have, so i forgive myself ;0) I don't know what a girl is supposed to do? and i certainly regret eating all of that monster munch :0(  I used to be a gymnast and bloody good at it i was too, wot the hell has happened??
:0(
          Apart from being fat and unattractive i still feel sick tired and actually fainted last Sunday, which was not pleasant i can tell you.............
        And apart from that, The dreaded MRI scan for child 2 was also in this week. The consultant feels she may need surgery on her spine and so booked her in for an MRI quite some months ago, child 2 is actually phobic towards any kind of hospital investigation now and so i knew this would prove difficult.
Its not her fault really i could tell you many horror stories of past hospital experiences, just one being the time a 20 stone nurse pinned her to the floor and forced medicine down her throat :0( ....... she was 3 and had just been suffering double pneumonia. So imagine 12 years of terrifying hospital crap for my poor little lady and you can completely understand her reluctance. I told him this but they just don't understand, after much battling convincing, and a phone call from child 2's GP (Who knows exactly what shes like) i rearranged for the appointment to be done at a local hospital instead of a massive 'un known' to child 2 one. Fortunately My good friend off of next door is a radiographer who works there so i thought 'perfect' She and daddy are our best chance of getting anywhere with it at all.
              Far from perfect this turned out to be, they managed to get her in to the scanner, and did their very best to keep her calm but then world war 3  erupted, it all kicked off and that was the end of that............. I could tell the consultant i told you so but they really wouldn't listen. So now it looks like a general anesthetic and a day as an in patient at the said unknown hospital.......... Bloody marvelous.
            The following day i decided to have a Chinese Ban 'quet' at my house and invited my sister, my Mr sister and the family, a birthday celebration for the next day, a good idea of mine 'at the time' which i knew was going to go wrong when i dropped the telephone on my nose (i was asleep it rang, i picked it up and miss co-ordinated its direction.) this was 5 minutes before Chinese cooking time was to commence,  not an ideal start.
 I broke the seal on the oven the grill fell on my foot and then i over cooked the crispy won tons, which i suppose were 'crispy' as in their name description but were also black :0/ To top this all off the horrendous E numbers in the orange food i consumed meant i spent the ENTIRE night on insomniac Island :0(
       
              Then it was my birthday, Well i woke up after 5 minutes sleep miserable as usual. (poor boy 40 he made massive efforts, he's the most lovely person Ive ever met but if you've had pmt for months there is not much anyone can do)
 I had very many lovely presents, my friend off of next door took all of my crappy hanging baskets away from my back garden and i came home to 6 new beautiful ones hung up and full of flowers, i had at least 50 happy birthday messages on line and as many more texts, i haven't counted all of the lovely cards because i would probably fall asleep from the repetitive counting action. I am still though over whelmed by the amount of gorgeous friends i have and most of them I've had for a very long time. That made me smile :0)
           I was taken out to luncheon by Child 1, 2, 3 and boy 40. To my most favorite place to lunch, i wore my new lovely sandals, town was buzzing the sun was shining there was a festival party feel to the whole place with processions samba bands etc etc (lovely) i love my town and its occupants and so it was a perfect day for it.
         So what did i do?? i felt so ill we had lunch went back to the car and went home, where i slept for most of the afternoon :0( ......... that's a first on my birthday which normally has a build up of 3 months and lasts 3 days. I got my sorry self ready and we met up with some friends for a meal that evening. Nothing ever runs smoothly when you are feeling crap, and whilst everyone was busily chatting about how shite that particular restaurant was, telling horror stories on food poisoning and hairs in the food i was taking a phone call. A phone call from Sponge bob and Patrick aka the kids Nan and gramps, it was bed time you see and child 3's Numanum ( an old dummy chewed around the edges) was missing from the over night bag. Well that's smashing, i was waiting for my 'shite' meal to arrive and now had the problem of getting the numanum (which she will NOT go to sleep without) to Nanny's house from mine, a round trip of about 12 miles there and back :0(  Thanks to the high ways who shut a road straight to my house from said restaurant just to piss me off :0(
           Happy fecin birthday i muttered under my breath............ my dad, who was on the end of the phone could see at this point that i was not in the best of moods so decided to drive himself to the shite restaurant pick up my key, drive to my house find it and take it to the 'numanum pwincess' (child 3) who was now deeply upset at the thought of a night without it.
          Key passed over, Grampy and child 1 proceeded to my house but couldn't find it, meanwhile my shite meal had arrived and it was indeed shite. Updated by way of telephone i was dismayed to hear the news and nearly choked upon my burnt nan bread :0( It was decided child 3 would now have to accompany them back to my house for another look :0( she hides it you see if anyone comes round. Hurrahh they eventually find it and all is well again........... I'm knacked by now i did have a lovely time by the way and actually laughed with my bezzers a lot but then the tiredness took over again and i didn't appreciate the walk to the local pub of the place for a drink.
I then drove everyone home and arrived at Nanny's to pick up the wandering house key in the small hours. It was then that the night took an unexpected turn, i 'had' the key in my hand when i collected it, but when i got home i did not, it was gone :0( it was cold. Boy 40 searched in the gravel for it, i had lots of gift bags full of pressies so sat upon the cold steps and admired them while he searched further, in the bags i had lovely posh chocolates, some gorgeous smelly things jewellery nail varnish and a rather spiffing pair of designer pajamas from my friend Sezza, well at this point the bin store looked very appealing, if it wasn't so cold and the smell didn't turn my stomach i would have happily crept in there and gone to bed.
             Finally he found it and we were in.................... Sunday was a right off.
             Monday morning i surpassed myself with incompetence, we had No bread , no milk, no swimming stuff, no tooth fairy (again) and a new one for me today on this crappy Monday morning............ wet uniforms!! Child 3 was extremely upset by the tooth fairy who was again a no show, shes got previous, sometimes she leaves the tooth and the money, sometimes she leaves 2 sets of money and once she even dropped the tooth on the stairs :0( what a waste of space for a fairy.
So there i was at 8.30 drying the last of the wet ness off of the cuffs of the jumpers, of course we had no hearing aids no glasses and no shoes as usual.
          Tuesday evening was interesting, i caught child 3 hiding under the steps, "what are you doing down there?" i asked her, Child 2 blurts out, "Well she is shooting people on their bikes with her super soaker", and its true she was, from up high she had a perfect aim and it turns out many people had had a soaking
:0( she was hiding because she thought that the old lady (who was riding very slow and so got wetter :0/  )  was on her way home to call the police. I said she probably would so child 3 put down her weapon for a while and came in for Tea. Whilst chatting at the tea table she predicted 10 years in to the future. Child 4 whom we have not met yet has been called 'Santas little helper' by child 3. any way apparently when Santa's little helper is 10, child 1 will be a doctor child 3 will be at university and child 2 will be out on the streets with a pot !? This did not please child 2 who is 'actually' going to be the priminister of England, and so she bashed her over the head with a cushion, this then started a bit of a scrap. All was not lost on this day though because Asbo cat and Graham her daughter shared there first meal together. its only been a year since Graham was born and Asbo her mother, beats her up at least twice a day so we all thought this refreshingly nice.
          I was puzzled to listen to a conversation upon this evening between child 2 and 3 whilst they were getting ready for bed. Child 3 was going " i hate Gracey, i wanted John" i listened closer, and apparently they were fighting over John Stape off of coronation streets Head!!! You see when you move classes in September you get new pegs, new pegs mean new name labels, they had been given magazines to cut stuff out of and stick on to decorate them. I'm not sure how decorating your name place with John Stapes murdering head is nice but they both wanted it, little weirdo's ! Gracey got it and child 3 had to make do with some guy from glee who she didn't like at all. Child 2 although they scrap a lot cares about child 3's problems and was trying to console her to her loss, ....... of head. Why don't we cut some other people out of mums magazines? she said kindly. " i wanted John though" child 3 huffed. Then child 2 in all seriousness looked at child 3 and said solemnly "people died so he could teach" ........... i nearly weeed myself laughing she has the timing of a comedy genius!
 I explained to child 3 that we cant always have what we wanted, i want a Mansion and a Mercedes midnight blue convertible, but i cant have one. Child 3 agreed and confessed she only wanted Jon stapes head cos Gracey had it, and she also hates Gracey because shes a better liar than her, i pointed out that that was not a good quality but i know she's probably a bit jealous of this new Gracey girl.
           So when is this boring blog going to end i hear you say, well not yet i have 2 more nightmare days in which to share with you. Bear with me its therapy.
          Some advise never ever let your car get a whiff that you have been to "we buy any car.com" it wont like it. My car Trixy Floss Slinker Bell Has NEVER in its life gone wrong, i was interested to see on this fateful morning what she was worth you know just out of interest. I go out everything is fine i come home. I come home to find a bloody fish sales man parked in the middle of my drive. So i sit there waiting for him to move. He shouts down I'M JUST DELIVERING SOME FISH DO YOU WANT ME TO MOVE IT????? my ass was he delivering fish he was cold calling all of our houses making a general pain in the arse of him and his fish load self. " YES I WOULD LIKE YOU TO MOVE YOURSELF AND YOUR FISH!!" i shout back up to him, however he takes absolutely ages and i got in a strop leaving Trixy Bell on the side of the road, its a busy road and not good for getting a bouncy Labrador out of the car on. I huff through my front door giving the man and his fishy Friends a filthy look, i check my emails and the price had come through from 'we buy any car.com' Good god it was crap a tin of beans is worth more than that!! Half an hour later i got in Trixy to go get the kids and pop to up to Nanny's, i turn the key and nothing!! nothing at all.
           Boy 40 gets home and manages to bump start her to get her back off the road, great i thought may be it was just the battery (i once has the Rac out cos the car wouldn't go, i felt foolish when i realised it was because the kids had left the interior lights on all night) :0( anyway i presumed it was the same thing.
          The next day nothing again as dead as a doornail :0( This would have been OK and was OK until 6pm that evening when child 2 reveals a massive lump on the back of her calf the size of a plum. Its hot and its rock hard and there was no sign of a bite, i had no idea what it was and neither did my friend next door who is trained in all matters medical. I think she needs to see a doctor she said, i phone out of hours and indeed yes she needed to get to the hospital which was 2 miles away, i have no car!! :0( . Child 2 is a bit of an enigma and her insides are too, this made me double worried looking at her past history nothing surprises me anymore :0(
          Well to cut a long story short boy 40 eventually saved the day we got to the hospital and finally got home at gone 8 starving to death. So guess what it was then campas?, all that worry and stress?. A fecin Horse fly bite Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr shes now on a high dose of antibiotics for the week, nothing unusual there then :0(
          The next day a good friend of mine came and took Trixy floss away :0(    He bought her back the following day she spent the night at the garage and had a new starter motor fitted, i asked my friend if i could get a new starter motor as i really need one at the moment, but sadly they don't do Humans.
          Oh well so that's it another insight of my unfortunate life, to summaries I'm still tired sick and fat but am now also 220 quid down. Again i have not added my useful pull out guide for expectant Daddy's but i feel you all probably bored enough already. Ill save that little beauty for next week.

So until next time Campas wishing you all Happy thoughts , well someone Else may as well have them. xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Asbo cat and her daughter Graham, having a meal probably nicer than the one i had at the Indian          

The Wrong Trousers

Erm hello faithful readers
I'm writing too soon i feel, you may not be ready for another crap update of my life,  my last blogett was not even a week ago, i am sorry to say though, i am about to have a breakdown :0/.
 I'm surrounded in complete chaos and have a million things to do, Insomniac Island was open all night last night and I'm very tired :0(
I'm mainly writing this now because no one is at home in which to moan about it to, and no friends seem to be  on the end of the telephone.
      After no sleep (again) i find myself at the start of it all at 8.36am this morning, (child 2 and 3 start school at 8.40), So its 8.36 am. We have no brush, no hearing aids, no asthma puffer, no glasses, no shoes, 1 wet jumper what was left in a swimming bag yesterday, No rucksack for school trip. Child 3's arms and hands are 50% covered in felt tips and paint from last night, her feet are also covered in paint from where she decided hand painting was not enough, .......socks just had to cover this up :0/
        I'm in a panic as you can imagine by this point and am really trying not to swear, scream and jump up and down stomping my feet like Rumpelstiltskin . I finally sort out these problems and then notice a hole in Child 3's trousers the size of New York city :0( ........ I run (fast) up the stairs for the hundredth time. child 3 is running behind me in her pants frantically brushing her hair. It was at this point that it all kicked off :0( the only trousers i could find were 'i thought' a very nice pair of school trousers, they have never been worn and have a nice silver heart hanging from the waist band.
They have never been worn because child 3 absolutely hates them. I really need Gok Wan in her life, he's the only one who will be able to understand her clothes crises. She is so particular about fashion, she will not wear pretty things, pink things or things which are not 'cut' in the right way. 'I CANT WEAR THE WRONG TROUSERS TO SCHOOL' she screamed absolutely flabbergasted that i had put them on her (she normally gets away with murder) 'THEY ARE WRONG THEY DON'T LAY ON MY SHOES RIGHT......... and that heart is really gay '
I can say at this point i felt for the little lady my mum once made me wear something i didn't want to, age seven, its a big thing (only mine was a tank top, a hideous 70's tank top, a bloody woolen tank top at that with all of the colour's of the rainbow on it) but as you can see I'm not bitter :0/
        Anyway we got in the car and rummaged about for her 'horrible' coat to go with her horrible trousers and we were off.
       I'm thinking of her right now actually and I'm feeling a bit guilty, at her school trip wearing the wrong trousers eating her marmite sandwiches with her little Sponge bob drink beside her :0( what a nasty mummy  i am :0( .......
      Number 4 i have to say is causing me problems already there's nothing wrong with the little fella / fellett i have pics this week, but getting to the scan was a bit frantic. I have decided though it may not just be the kids, every single time we all go out it is like 4 weddings and a funeral, each one of us is running about like a mad bonkers fruit cake. I'm the one swearing and boy 40 always decides to have a shower 2 minutes before we leave. He did it on this day, For an ultra sound scan one is required to drink 2 pints of water an hour before, this i have to say was like a bush tucker trial, it was coming out as fast as it was going in, by the time i reached the hospital it was unbearable. We were late as usual and there were no parking spaces boy 40 dropped me off and drove out of the hospital car park searching for spaces elsewhere, Then i saw him drive back in (4 cars had actually parked in this time). Now we were even more late, i thought id better not leave him and go in as he'd probably end up watching some old man getting his leg xrayed or something :0/ i ran up the hospital steps fast but we still have to wait, by now my bladder was fuller that it had ever been in its life and i was about to explode. I then had a text from my friend kindly asking after my full bladder in a sarcastic manner, upon explaining she advised me to dance like id never danced before? so i tried it in the waiting room but it didn't work. Then thank the lord she called us in, suddenly i realised i was still wearing my lovely silver dangelly belly button ring and so had to make boy 40 a human shield whilst i whipped it out whist running behind him and said radiographer. .................So now i have proof it is definitely a baby !!

he had his hands on his head for most of the time, probably thinking oh my god what have i let myself in for :0/ (the baby that was, not boy 40)
I put the pic up  on face book lots of friends said lots of lovely things, and then i felt a bit weird because they have now all seen inside my womb :0/
Its funny really how gossipy ones village can be, i hadn't actually told anyone apart from my friends about new bubba 4, apart from the announcement on facebook, but then that's also private and for my friends only. Anyway on the said hen night of the last blog i was talking to a friend about it (well moaning about how crap i was feeling really ) when someone else over heard, shes a friend too but not one of my bezzers, i said to her did you erm know about my news?? she replied 'yes everybody knows'!! 'great' every sod in the village knows whats going on in my womb (even the vicar)  and none of them have said a word, i should have just put it on a loud speaker and driven about the place for a bit, at least id have known they all knew then :0/
           Not a lots happened since last Thursday, apart from the dreaded hospital visit Friday, child 2 hates hospitals mainly because she is always in them, this particular one was in Bristol where upon about 12 weeks ago they did lots of tests. you may remember the cling film and anesthetic cream kerfuffle.
Well this was the day the test results were revealed amongst other things, new treatments and new tests to be performed. 'Great' i find out after 12 years that child 2 is also vitamin D deficient which causes immune problems, exhaustion and mood swings (fec i think i may have that too :0(
        So now she has to have a vitamin D supplement, I'm wondering though apart from her usual unlucky life dealings is this because child 2 has never had a weeks holiday in her life?? and whenever we do go somewhere the sun doesn't shine??. Can i sue blood suckers from my bank account for this?? and other life's pains in the arses for the cause of my non holiday life?? I may have to try!! i also think that i am entitled to an Nhs prescription to go and live in Australia where the sun always shines, ill ask the doctor next week.
      This said day went on and on and on, luckily child 1 brought with him some revision papers so he could revise whilst we were there, he also taught child 3 some algebra and some hideous fraction to the powers of which i did not understand a word of, child 3 however is now Mensa at maths and actually understands higher level Gcse, which is a little scary.
     We finally left the hospital at around 6.30 pm no one had been fed (especially me) and so we needed to just drop by at the supermarket on the way home. For normal people with normal luck this would have been fine, but no not us. When we reached the supermarket a very small piece of road to it was completely closed off leaving us to drive another 5 miles out of our way to find another one :0(
       We eventually arrived home hungry and tired at about 8 p.m.
 The next day was my friends wedding, It was a rather smashing day, of course we had all of the dramas in getting there on time etc my dress had got smaller since the last time i tried it on which was a bit unfortunate but I'm just gonna have to get used to that sort of thing. After much food laughter dancing etc we again arrived home very late so Sunday i was very tired. Boy child decided he needed some maths equipment for his exam the next day, it was a little unfortunate i think that he didn't tell me of this on the day we were in the middle of Bristol all day :0/
      We all took ourselves off to town and parked behind the train station. I thought Armageddon was the week before, may be all of the people in the station knew otherwise (there were hundreds of them) , my home town is  a very small town and to see this many people wanting to get out of it on a Sunday was quite alarming!! i still have no idea why they were all there because the world hasn't ended again.
Yesterday i spent most of the day trying to fill out a bus pass for school form, I'm either thick or the county councils website is shite with the wrong information on it, the form also looks like something from 1844 I'm sorry to say it drove me mental and even made me cry at one point, after crossing out bus after bus because it was the wrong one i finally completed it, flimmin buses whats the difference anyway? they all smell of waz.
           Ah well thanks for the sympathetic ear. I've had a right day of it so I'm going to eat some sausages fill in some big school forms and then go to bed ready to get the boat to insomniac island at about 2.am
 See ya

P.s Mrs smiff follower number 1 the useful printout guide to a 'Daddy's survival to pregnancy' will be in next weeks bloggett, I've run out of typing finger ;0)