Twas on this cold night 12 years ago in 1999 that something happened to me.
Yes, i gave birth to our future Prime minister gawd help us all !! I shall not comment upon the weekend Just gone, which mainly consists of chocolate, hideous amounts of birthday party celebrations and wine, i ll do that tomorrow.
Tonight is for my memories of a truly wondrous occasion which started 3 weeks early and ended in the passenger well of a stinky mini metro.
Time check 4.Am January the 31st 1999, Its dark I'm is my bed I'm nearly 9 months pregnant, I'm fat but mainly because I've attempted to eat a whole Chinese restaurant.
I wake up suddenly and I feel a strange warm scary feeling which made me think OH MY CHRIST !!! i have actually just weed myself.
With this said thought in my mind I'm kinda horrified as i am 25 years old and I've never wet the bed before, i peed myself laughing once with my friend Emma when i was about 14 but that 'was' my track record on incontinence.
So there i am on the loo and after about 3 minutes it suddenly dawned on me that it was not in fact wee !! ................. crap, This was it ! my waters had gone. I grabbed a towel and ran down the stairs with it like a sumo wrestler to phone the midwife,
'Ah yeah don't worry' she says you'll be ages she says '...erm yeah ok' i say i think ill have bAAAAAAAAAAAAATH . oh my Christ that was the 1st contraction, (it hurt........ a lot) it passes i run back upstairs with the towel, (like another sumo) and spread my make up across the bathroom floor (well a girls got to look good) Face done cool! i go to wake up Martin..... 'yo erm this baby's coming',........... yeah wot? he says in a sleepy voice. He then realises what I've said 'WHAAAAAAAAAT AGGGHHHH SHIIT'!!!!!! He jumps out of the bed like a gazelle and starts flitting about.
Meanwhile I'm pulling out clothes from all the draws, could i find anything decent to wear??? Its ten past four now and the manshape holds up a pair of 'his' jogging bottoms and says ' omg just wear these!! '( he's a little distressed by now) Another contraction comes my way as i shout 'I CANT WEAR THEM ILL LOOK RIDICULOUS!! i bung on a pair of leggings and a jumper He bundles me down the stairs like i am some kind of care in the community and out of the door.
AAAAAAGHHHHHHHHH contraction number 3 ( i want my mum now) its 4.15
I make it up about 12 steps and waddle to the car like a penguin, something massive is encountering my nether regions, I'm now also growling like some kind of possessed animal.
AAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH SHHHHHHHHHHHIT that was another contraction, i cant shut the car door, another massive belter comes my way as we turn the corner, Martin is by now shouting shall i go? shall i stop?. i just scream get me to the f*****g hospital.
It all goes a bit blank i may have passed out from pain at this point, i come round to discover that we are driving backwards (very fast down a one way street). I lived about 3 minutes away from the maternity hospital. Had done for years... ge knows where to go. But yep we are driving backwards the wrong way 'wot the hell are you doing ?? i ask. ' one way street' he answers ' i cant break the law!! there is no time for arguments, as my baby is catapulted from me and hits the dash board somewhere around Acre street stores. Martin is now beside himself, 'oh my god what is it?' he asks, i wasn't actually sure ' Erm its a baby' i reply shoving the small bare thing in to my coat, wot was at this point attached to a string.
Its 4.20 Am. we finally reach the hospital and miss the corner of it by about 2 millimetres, My gibbering wreck of a husband gets out and runs down the path like a lunatic jabbering nonsense in to the door speaker, something like 'help' my baby's had a wife!!' They come out and put me and said baby on a string in to a wheel chair and wheel us to the delivery suite (bit late for that) Martin is running behind ( he's crying by now) I discover that we have little girl 5 1b 8 oz. 'Are you ok they ask? you've had no pain relief, 'erm actually' i reply can i have some paracetamol i have a stinking head ache.' They make Martin a cup of tea which shakes so much as it reaches his mouth most of it ended up in the saucer, Anyway that was it Number 2 had arrived, In a works vehicle full of mud and dirty sandwiches, I thought she had a scab on her head and dared not touch it for 2 weeks, the midwife was scared to too ' turns out that scab was a piece of mud.🙄
Well there we have it the birth of our future prime minister
I told you things just happen to me :0/
till tomorow..........
Monday 31 January 2011
Friday 28 January 2011
Where the Hell did thursday go??
Ill Start Backwards, My therapist says that's probably best and then i may actually forget some of the stuff that has happened :0/ Good evening Mr Radford by the way.
Ok Backwards, i erm just sucked up my hair with the Dyson, not an unusual accident for someone like me to have , but a painful one, i often wondered why nothing above 5ft was clean in my house and now i know why, its far too dangerous to attempt to clean it, although on the Dyson advert it does not say 'Beware if you are trying to kill that hard to reach spider, this product may catapult from your reach and land upon your head sucking your very long hair inside it' Nope didn't see 'that' anywhere, now i have a short bit of hair and a red scalp, well that's very bloody attractive i don't think.
With not only this to contend with my Cat Graham (shes a girl cat if your wondering and shes grey) the daughter of Asbo cat, the most feared cat on the block. Got erm preggers one Saturday night on the patio, all a bit unfortunate we gave her other offspring away, and her cheap sparkly tart collar is now firmly in the bin. Anyway sorry back to what i was trying to say. Graham coughed up the biggest reddest carpet filled fur ball i have ever seen, well actually i didn't see it and stepped Right on it. If anythings gonna make you feel sick on a Friday night that will.
The hot one daughter number 2 has been off school all week ill, that doesn't help my poor artist status as i have put bugger all work out this week, although i could tell she was getting better when she catapulted a mans head in tesco's with her new sponge bob catapult :0/
Number 1 daughter who has breathing troubles is quite well too I'm glad to say, and i could tell 'that' by the way she duffed up daughter number one for scribbling on her best coloring book :0/
Also i just have to mention that daughter number 2 is going to be prime minister one day, all though her political views are somewhere to the left of Hitler which is quite worrying (JOKING before you all gasp with political correctness of blogging) I will just give you an example though, we were driving past the police station today when she asked me if 'crinnymals' actually sleep in the police station to which i replied yes, 'On beds???' she asked, yes i replied 'oh my god you'll be telling me they feed them next!!!!' she then ranted on about Drill yards?? and breaking rocks?? I'm unsure where she gets these ideas but my god if shes ever prime minister the smallest of criminals will be sent straight to guantanamo bay no questions asked.
On the way back from this said journey past the police station i saw my smiley friend Clare, the second human being id seen smiling on this day, and i was glad. The sun was shining and i thought yeah its Friday its a good day.
Till i got home and saw that the cat (asbo ) had stepped in red paint and walked across my studio, not that it makes much difference as the pink blobs from last week are still ground in to the carpet, why do i have a carpet, a cream one in my studio??? i dunno probably because I'm a bit thick.
God i feel this is getting a little boring now so i may have to miss Thursday out, my car tried to kill me again on this day though, by steaming up the windscreen again, I'm kinda thinking it may be my dog breath though, it only happens when I'm breathing,. Memo to me don't breathe in the car when its cold.
Blagh blagh cant remember anything else about Thursday, had a long chat with small persons number 2's doctor (hes a bit of alright) did a bit of painting, actually spent the day painting my lovely friends husband, He probably thinks I'm well weird i had to get a good old look at his face the other day in the name of research, he probably thinks i need some kind of help :0/
Before that By big boy missed the bus to school, thankfully the head teacher of 1 and 2 girls was passin by and gave him a lift, (village life fabaroony for stuff like that!!)
So we are at the end. Back to Thursday morning at 7.20 am when i was overtaken by some kind of alien force and actually went out running ?? I was cool until the dog did a massive poo outside the car wash, then i was running with the mentalist dog in front like a husky, and a massive carrier bag full of poo in my hand. Typical.
Anyway I'm flimmin bored now i has to go and drink wine/ eat Chinese, am off to cadbury world tomorrow and am very much looking forward to meeting the oompaloompas and sailing down the chocolate river in a boat
TTFN xx
Ok Backwards, i erm just sucked up my hair with the Dyson, not an unusual accident for someone like me to have , but a painful one, i often wondered why nothing above 5ft was clean in my house and now i know why, its far too dangerous to attempt to clean it, although on the Dyson advert it does not say 'Beware if you are trying to kill that hard to reach spider, this product may catapult from your reach and land upon your head sucking your very long hair inside it' Nope didn't see 'that' anywhere, now i have a short bit of hair and a red scalp, well that's very bloody attractive i don't think.
With not only this to contend with my Cat Graham (shes a girl cat if your wondering and shes grey) the daughter of Asbo cat, the most feared cat on the block. Got erm preggers one Saturday night on the patio, all a bit unfortunate we gave her other offspring away, and her cheap sparkly tart collar is now firmly in the bin. Anyway sorry back to what i was trying to say. Graham coughed up the biggest reddest carpet filled fur ball i have ever seen, well actually i didn't see it and stepped Right on it. If anythings gonna make you feel sick on a Friday night that will.
The hot one daughter number 2 has been off school all week ill, that doesn't help my poor artist status as i have put bugger all work out this week, although i could tell she was getting better when she catapulted a mans head in tesco's with her new sponge bob catapult :0/
Number 1 daughter who has breathing troubles is quite well too I'm glad to say, and i could tell 'that' by the way she duffed up daughter number one for scribbling on her best coloring book :0/
Also i just have to mention that daughter number 2 is going to be prime minister one day, all though her political views are somewhere to the left of Hitler which is quite worrying (JOKING before you all gasp with political correctness of blogging) I will just give you an example though, we were driving past the police station today when she asked me if 'crinnymals' actually sleep in the police station to which i replied yes, 'On beds???' she asked, yes i replied 'oh my god you'll be telling me they feed them next!!!!' she then ranted on about Drill yards?? and breaking rocks?? I'm unsure where she gets these ideas but my god if shes ever prime minister the smallest of criminals will be sent straight to guantanamo bay no questions asked.
On the way back from this said journey past the police station i saw my smiley friend Clare, the second human being id seen smiling on this day, and i was glad. The sun was shining and i thought yeah its Friday its a good day.
Till i got home and saw that the cat (asbo ) had stepped in red paint and walked across my studio, not that it makes much difference as the pink blobs from last week are still ground in to the carpet, why do i have a carpet, a cream one in my studio??? i dunno probably because I'm a bit thick.
God i feel this is getting a little boring now so i may have to miss Thursday out, my car tried to kill me again on this day though, by steaming up the windscreen again, I'm kinda thinking it may be my dog breath though, it only happens when I'm breathing,. Memo to me don't breathe in the car when its cold.
Blagh blagh cant remember anything else about Thursday, had a long chat with small persons number 2's doctor (hes a bit of alright) did a bit of painting, actually spent the day painting my lovely friends husband, He probably thinks I'm well weird i had to get a good old look at his face the other day in the name of research, he probably thinks i need some kind of help :0/
Before that By big boy missed the bus to school, thankfully the head teacher of 1 and 2 girls was passin by and gave him a lift, (village life fabaroony for stuff like that!!)
So we are at the end. Back to Thursday morning at 7.20 am when i was overtaken by some kind of alien force and actually went out running ?? I was cool until the dog did a massive poo outside the car wash, then i was running with the mentalist dog in front like a husky, and a massive carrier bag full of poo in my hand. Typical.
Anyway I'm flimmin bored now i has to go and drink wine/ eat Chinese, am off to cadbury world tomorrow and am very much looking forward to meeting the oompaloompas and sailing down the chocolate river in a boat
TTFN xx
Wednesday 26 January 2011
I dont know where to start today :0/
Good evening Mrs Smiff,
Its 6.20 pm and i write this now in the anticipation that nothing else will go wrong today.
My Day started at 4.30 Am this morning with my silly Labrador crying because no one let her out for a poo before bed time.
Annoyed by this as i was in fact not, on insomniac island but asleep again, this time dreaming of..... 'Well i was travelling upwards on an escalator towards a very bright light the journey took 2 days and when i reached the top there was a massive room it was white with lots of people all sat around the edges, the blinds were closed and we were so high up i was sure i was swaying, this man said he could not open the white blinds till everyone had arrived'. THEN that flaming dog woke me up so ill never see what the hell was out side........... Oh my god i just had a thought, shit may be i was going to heaven??? bloody hell the dog probably saved my life :0(
Couldn't sleep after that so i fed the cat, wondered if any more of the village had caved in checked on the hot person and planned my 40th birthday party wot is 3 years away.
Things were then quiet till 5 to 8 when i legged it downstairs to make sandwiches and the boys breakfast, .............. I'm seeing a pattern emerging here, it is not till the girls get up that i start experiencing real stress!
2 minutes to leave the house time for yet another appointment we have 1 lost hearing aid, 1 pair of glasses, no hearing aid battery in the other one, empty puffer, no shoes (where the hell do they go every day) i have one vomit hot girl and one sneezy girl, with only one pushchair, i could see at this point this was going to be fun, Half way through the appointment small person 2 decides not to speak anymore and seeing as it was an eye test this was not helpful :0/ I got told off by some jumped up behind the counter girl because i was late. (she should try being me) and the optician spoke in some kinda code when he told his work colleague we had lost her Glasses.
Well it was all quiet then for a few hours till small hot bot came up to me and showed me that she had completed the Rubik cube, indeed she had but it was a shame all of the stickers were peeling back off of the plastic. Not being at school my little lady who is 'The' most mischievous small person in the entire universe, was now feeling better and so decided to 'mark' her sisters colouring book with remarks like 'must try harder' and 'this is really rubbish' with sad faces all over it. (number 2 loves her colouring book and has spent hours on it)
When said sister got home and discovered this as you can imagine we had world war 3, shes done the whole book. Currently the smallest one is making a 'sorry ' aeroplane.
This however is not the worst part of my day, oh no that was at approximately 10 to 5 , this was the time that i had an unfortunate accident on a rowing machine with my jogging bottom cord. I hate to say this but i actually showed my knickers to the entire gym, what was full of fit lads on their way home from work. I can never show my face (or my arse) for that matter in that place again. :0(
I have to go lie down now Till tomorrow ............................ Mrs Smiff x
Its 6.20 pm and i write this now in the anticipation that nothing else will go wrong today.
My Day started at 4.30 Am this morning with my silly Labrador crying because no one let her out for a poo before bed time.
Annoyed by this as i was in fact not, on insomniac island but asleep again, this time dreaming of..... 'Well i was travelling upwards on an escalator towards a very bright light the journey took 2 days and when i reached the top there was a massive room it was white with lots of people all sat around the edges, the blinds were closed and we were so high up i was sure i was swaying, this man said he could not open the white blinds till everyone had arrived'. THEN that flaming dog woke me up so ill never see what the hell was out side........... Oh my god i just had a thought, shit may be i was going to heaven??? bloody hell the dog probably saved my life :0(
Couldn't sleep after that so i fed the cat, wondered if any more of the village had caved in checked on the hot person and planned my 40th birthday party wot is 3 years away.
Things were then quiet till 5 to 8 when i legged it downstairs to make sandwiches and the boys breakfast, .............. I'm seeing a pattern emerging here, it is not till the girls get up that i start experiencing real stress!
2 minutes to leave the house time for yet another appointment we have 1 lost hearing aid, 1 pair of glasses, no hearing aid battery in the other one, empty puffer, no shoes (where the hell do they go every day) i have one vomit hot girl and one sneezy girl, with only one pushchair, i could see at this point this was going to be fun, Half way through the appointment small person 2 decides not to speak anymore and seeing as it was an eye test this was not helpful :0/ I got told off by some jumped up behind the counter girl because i was late. (she should try being me) and the optician spoke in some kinda code when he told his work colleague we had lost her Glasses.
Well it was all quiet then for a few hours till small hot bot came up to me and showed me that she had completed the Rubik cube, indeed she had but it was a shame all of the stickers were peeling back off of the plastic. Not being at school my little lady who is 'The' most mischievous small person in the entire universe, was now feeling better and so decided to 'mark' her sisters colouring book with remarks like 'must try harder' and 'this is really rubbish' with sad faces all over it. (number 2 loves her colouring book and has spent hours on it)
When said sister got home and discovered this as you can imagine we had world war 3, shes done the whole book. Currently the smallest one is making a 'sorry ' aeroplane.
This however is not the worst part of my day, oh no that was at approximately 10 to 5 , this was the time that i had an unfortunate accident on a rowing machine with my jogging bottom cord. I hate to say this but i actually showed my knickers to the entire gym, what was full of fit lads on their way home from work. I can never show my face (or my arse) for that matter in that place again. :0(
I have to go lie down now Till tomorrow ............................ Mrs Smiff x
Tuesday 25 January 2011
Happy Tuesday my Arse
I'm going to repeat that title 'Happy Tuesday my Arse'
I'm kinda wishing it was yesterday. If you live where i live today you might think that Armageddon has begun, or if you are not quite so dramatic as me you could just blame it on armadillos.......... Either way the village has started caving in. A 10ft Cotswold stone wall what is holding someones garden in has collapsed in to the road. The traffic lights around it are stuck on red have been all day which is not agreeable to someone who has a small person in the car wot needs a poo. I didn't really want this to be all about poo today so i shall not actually tell you 'what' happened but i wish i hadn't cleaned out the car yesterday :0/
I'm slightly worried about the 'cave in' as my neighbours drive is also caving in and the drain is sinking. Being responsible for the drain and the drive in wot its doing it in, I'm a little bit bricking it.
I suppose though thinking about it, i could take her up the road to Armageddon and say ' look at this mrs lady and you think you have problems??' then i could spin the 'its not my fault that its probably the end of the world, which happens to be starting on your drive??' line. Yeah that's good ill write it down.
So crap Tuesday started with my smallest little lady being as hot as fire (again), which was not really convenient as i had to be at an appointment at 10.30 with the middle off spring who is we think an alien. Mainly because in 12 years not one consultant can fathom her out, apparently she is unique and they have never seen anyone like her before (helpful) , a claim to fame she quite enjoys.
So i spent all morning there, like i do going round in circles being referred again to various specialists in this and that all around the country. Ive seen em all, some of them are on my Christmas card list now. i did though learn how to do autogenic drainage physiotherepy, so thats a bonus.
I have to say i sneakily bunged my trainers in my bag so i could leggit quickly to the gym after dropping said Alien offspring off at school. After the appointment ( i thought i was pushing my luck to ask nanny and grampy to look after Vomit girl for too long) Anyway i was gone already for 3 hours so the trainers stayed in my bag and the fat stayed on my thighs............ grrrrrrrr
Just to make my day even crapper i saw an old neighbour of mine and asked how his wife was.............. She died last Sunday he was at the hospital picking up her things, wot a big f*****g gob i have, if it was any bigger it would be used as a cargo ship, that poor man i feel terrible about that. :0(
So to round it all up i have done no work at all its piling up around my ears, i cant get to the gym and need to fit in to my new dress by march, i has one small person wot is vomiting everywhere the other's an alien, i haven't seen my boy since this morning but shall be getting my Taxi out later to pick him up and the Dawg still needs a walk
Also i haven't started mine and my significant others dinner yet because I'm doing this!!, wot no ones ever gonna read. booooooo At least i had time to go to waitrose i suppose, to buy steak wine and cake!!!
Better go cook it now
Goodbye tuesday followers until tomorow .............
I'm kinda wishing it was yesterday. If you live where i live today you might think that Armageddon has begun, or if you are not quite so dramatic as me you could just blame it on armadillos.......... Either way the village has started caving in. A 10ft Cotswold stone wall what is holding someones garden in has collapsed in to the road. The traffic lights around it are stuck on red have been all day which is not agreeable to someone who has a small person in the car wot needs a poo. I didn't really want this to be all about poo today so i shall not actually tell you 'what' happened but i wish i hadn't cleaned out the car yesterday :0/
I'm slightly worried about the 'cave in' as my neighbours drive is also caving in and the drain is sinking. Being responsible for the drain and the drive in wot its doing it in, I'm a little bit bricking it.
I suppose though thinking about it, i could take her up the road to Armageddon and say ' look at this mrs lady and you think you have problems??' then i could spin the 'its not my fault that its probably the end of the world, which happens to be starting on your drive??' line. Yeah that's good ill write it down.
So crap Tuesday started with my smallest little lady being as hot as fire (again), which was not really convenient as i had to be at an appointment at 10.30 with the middle off spring who is we think an alien. Mainly because in 12 years not one consultant can fathom her out, apparently she is unique and they have never seen anyone like her before (helpful) , a claim to fame she quite enjoys.
So i spent all morning there, like i do going round in circles being referred again to various specialists in this and that all around the country. Ive seen em all, some of them are on my Christmas card list now. i did though learn how to do autogenic drainage physiotherepy, so thats a bonus.
I have to say i sneakily bunged my trainers in my bag so i could leggit quickly to the gym after dropping said Alien offspring off at school. After the appointment ( i thought i was pushing my luck to ask nanny and grampy to look after Vomit girl for too long) Anyway i was gone already for 3 hours so the trainers stayed in my bag and the fat stayed on my thighs............ grrrrrrrr
Just to make my day even crapper i saw an old neighbour of mine and asked how his wife was.............. She died last Sunday he was at the hospital picking up her things, wot a big f*****g gob i have, if it was any bigger it would be used as a cargo ship, that poor man i feel terrible about that. :0(
So to round it all up i have done no work at all its piling up around my ears, i cant get to the gym and need to fit in to my new dress by march, i has one small person wot is vomiting everywhere the other's an alien, i haven't seen my boy since this morning but shall be getting my Taxi out later to pick him up and the Dawg still needs a walk
Also i haven't started mine and my significant others dinner yet because I'm doing this!!, wot no ones ever gonna read. booooooo At least i had time to go to waitrose i suppose, to buy steak wine and cake!!!
Better go cook it now
Goodbye tuesday followers until tomorow .............
Im supposed to be drinking wine :0(
Hello you my phantom invisible followers, how the devil are you this evening???, a special good evening to Mrs smiff thanks for being brave enough to be a proper follower and if i every become rich and famous ill give you half.
Today as per usual has been a typically unfortunate day in the life of me. Artist, skivvy and freelance big gob, It started with vomit and ended with poo.
my smallest offspring came in to my room at 4 am hotter than a nuclear power station with talk of sick and headaches. I don't sleep well but at this moment i was strangely not on insomniac island but on a London bus about to meet Robbie Williams in a cafe down oxford street,!? don't ask me why but i was looking lovely wearing a smashing red dress and i was very excited.
Thanks to the sick of vomit gal my fun was spoilt. So i probably will never meet Robbie Williams in a cafe down oxford street, or own that red dress.
Ah well, so yeah that was it Happy Monday. My second offspring has only just gone back to school since the Christmas holidays, i have work coming out of my ears my Kylie arse needs to be at the gym and the dawg (Who is a fatty) according to the vet, does not get a walk (again)
...................................... MY GOD THIS MUST BE BORING, its now 10 hours later i actually fell asleep writing my own blog!!! good grief if i ever get any follows (part from Mrs smiff) who is actually a very good pal of mine, it will be some kind of miracle.
Any way back to the dog, i think this was some kind of sick revenge for not getting a walk. Last night her back end resembled a chimney sweeps brush, Yes everyone she ate the dirty straw from the outside hutches, what i cleaned out the day before, have you ever heard of anything quite so disgusting? I don't want to put you off of your breakfasts but straw is hard for a dog to expel so it just stays there, it stays there hanging around until someone, IE me, has to pull it out.
The less said about that the better i feel, on to cleaner matters, as small person was poorly i decided to take my Girlys to the car wash after school for a treat!! eh i know how to live!!!
I hate car washes i always think the windscreen is going to pop and im going to die, drown to death in car wash bubbles and bits of glass, how embarrassing would that be? local paper " local artist and freelance big gob drowns in her own car at Snax 24 car wash" that'd be about right for me.
Well i am very glad that its not still yesterday.
Got to go i have a large cup of tea waiting for me, a small person who is still hotter than the sun, a hospital app with the middle one and probably another day ahead of me full of delightful happenings.
Happy Tuesday everyone
Toodle pip
Today as per usual has been a typically unfortunate day in the life of me. Artist, skivvy and freelance big gob, It started with vomit and ended with poo.
my smallest offspring came in to my room at 4 am hotter than a nuclear power station with talk of sick and headaches. I don't sleep well but at this moment i was strangely not on insomniac island but on a London bus about to meet Robbie Williams in a cafe down oxford street,!? don't ask me why but i was looking lovely wearing a smashing red dress and i was very excited.
Thanks to the sick of vomit gal my fun was spoilt. So i probably will never meet Robbie Williams in a cafe down oxford street, or own that red dress.
Ah well, so yeah that was it Happy Monday. My second offspring has only just gone back to school since the Christmas holidays, i have work coming out of my ears my Kylie arse needs to be at the gym and the dawg (Who is a fatty) according to the vet, does not get a walk (again)
...................................... MY GOD THIS MUST BE BORING, its now 10 hours later i actually fell asleep writing my own blog!!! good grief if i ever get any follows (part from Mrs smiff) who is actually a very good pal of mine, it will be some kind of miracle.
Any way back to the dog, i think this was some kind of sick revenge for not getting a walk. Last night her back end resembled a chimney sweeps brush, Yes everyone she ate the dirty straw from the outside hutches, what i cleaned out the day before, have you ever heard of anything quite so disgusting? I don't want to put you off of your breakfasts but straw is hard for a dog to expel so it just stays there, it stays there hanging around until someone, IE me, has to pull it out.
The less said about that the better i feel, on to cleaner matters, as small person was poorly i decided to take my Girlys to the car wash after school for a treat!! eh i know how to live!!!
I hate car washes i always think the windscreen is going to pop and im going to die, drown to death in car wash bubbles and bits of glass, how embarrassing would that be? local paper " local artist and freelance big gob drowns in her own car at Snax 24 car wash" that'd be about right for me.
Well i am very glad that its not still yesterday.
Got to go i have a large cup of tea waiting for me, a small person who is still hotter than the sun, a hospital app with the middle one and probably another day ahead of me full of delightful happenings.
Happy Tuesday everyone
Toodle pip
Sunday 23 January 2011
IM SUPPOSED TO BE PAINTING A COW
So much is the conpulsion to talk a load of crap again to erm no one, i am actually sat here covered in poo as i type, why i chose today to clean out those pesky outside pets i do not know.
Outside pets, its more like a bloody small holding. Never buy a geniua pig and certainly not 2. How bad do they smell? they 'are' actual pigs and i sometimes regret the day sponge bob n patrick aka my mum and dad, the kids nanny and grampy, bought these furry stinky pigs in disgiuse to my house. Two and a half hours ive been out there shovelling shit, im supposed to be painting a cow, for work, and thats not finished because of my apparent additction to status updating on facebook. Wots worrying me is the fact im still not doing it as i have found another outlet in to which i cant talk a complete load of bollocks.
The worst thing about today i suppose is the way i also thought yeah lets clean the rabbit out too! Good for her but not for me, well i must have saved myself a tidy sum at the vets, but trimming / cutting a massive poo out of your rabbits butt area is not a way in what i wish to spend my sunday.
I have a sausage casserole to make the kids to bath, school uniforms to wash and there i am trimming butt fur!!! Where did my life go wrong?
I really am going to have to go i cannot stand the smell any longer, i actually look like wurzel gummage only if he did a blog he would probably have some fans.
Shower, sausages, baths, then cow.
See yaw xx
Outside pets, its more like a bloody small holding. Never buy a geniua pig and certainly not 2. How bad do they smell? they 'are' actual pigs and i sometimes regret the day sponge bob n patrick aka my mum and dad, the kids nanny and grampy, bought these furry stinky pigs in disgiuse to my house. Two and a half hours ive been out there shovelling shit, im supposed to be painting a cow, for work, and thats not finished because of my apparent additction to status updating on facebook. Wots worrying me is the fact im still not doing it as i have found another outlet in to which i cant talk a complete load of bollocks.
The worst thing about today i suppose is the way i also thought yeah lets clean the rabbit out too! Good for her but not for me, well i must have saved myself a tidy sum at the vets, but trimming / cutting a massive poo out of your rabbits butt area is not a way in what i wish to spend my sunday.
I have a sausage casserole to make the kids to bath, school uniforms to wash and there i am trimming butt fur!!! Where did my life go wrong?
I really am going to have to go i cannot stand the smell any longer, i actually look like wurzel gummage only if he did a blog he would probably have some fans.
Shower, sausages, baths, then cow.
See yaw xx
Friday 21 January 2011
Isupposed to be cooking Martins Tea
Yo thousands of followers and fans, im so pleased you have joined me!!
Actually im not sure what im doing no one realisticly will ever read this crap, anyway today nothing really much has happened, the dog pooed on the neighbours doorstep again, ......... its still there i cant face the embarassment of being caught picking it up. Ive spent most of the day painting a cow, talking to my bezzie mate on the phone and messing about on facebook. what a waste of a perfectly good life i hear you say, well er i dont hear you say cos theres no fans to say it. went to the gym this morning, my Kylie arse is not looking much different than yesterday.
And to be honest its probably the frst day in my life i have nothing interesting to report, one slightly worrying piece of news from school today was that my 11 year old mostly wrote in her english project about death ?? mmmmmmmm
anyway im off to eat curry now
Toodle pip
Actually im not sure what im doing no one realisticly will ever read this crap, anyway today nothing really much has happened, the dog pooed on the neighbours doorstep again, ......... its still there i cant face the embarassment of being caught picking it up. Ive spent most of the day painting a cow, talking to my bezzie mate on the phone and messing about on facebook. what a waste of a perfectly good life i hear you say, well er i dont hear you say cos theres no fans to say it. went to the gym this morning, my Kylie arse is not looking much different than yesterday.
And to be honest its probably the frst day in my life i have nothing interesting to report, one slightly worrying piece of news from school today was that my 11 year old mostly wrote in her english project about death ?? mmmmmmmm
anyway im off to eat curry now
Toodle pip
Thursday 20 January 2011
Im supposed to be doing the hoovering.
Erm im not being lazy but im an addict to status updating on facebook so its kinda all on there, i spend so much time doing it i have no time to blog, but i think certain people should see this, counsellers, therapists, psyciatrists, you know the general people i feel may benefit my life.
You probably wont believe the things wot happen to me anyway, only yesterday i had a red paint accident managed to wreck the house, nearly cut off my finger trying to make a spaghetti bolognase. its all very unfortunate, i have these goblins you see, they mostly play up on a monday but seeing as this monday was 'blue monday' i gave them the day of and they have been miss behaving since. My kids dont help currently they are sliding down the stairs on a giant sponge bob, they know of my nervous disposition but dont really care.
Anyway typing has been my therapy for the last couple of years, erm i just had a thought unless your my friend you cant see my facebook page, ah well i may start bloggin after all, im kind of enjoying it, and it will give me something to do when im on insomniac island, i go there every night, normally its quite crap, dark, quiet and lonely really, apart from the other night when i phoned someone at 3 am, by mistake of course i was using my phone as a torch :0/ anyway i gotta go ive got some chips in the oven. not really sure why i bought that ab circle pro abdominiser im not really taking it seriously :0/
Same time tommorow then.
You probably wont believe the things wot happen to me anyway, only yesterday i had a red paint accident managed to wreck the house, nearly cut off my finger trying to make a spaghetti bolognase. its all very unfortunate, i have these goblins you see, they mostly play up on a monday but seeing as this monday was 'blue monday' i gave them the day of and they have been miss behaving since. My kids dont help currently they are sliding down the stairs on a giant sponge bob, they know of my nervous disposition but dont really care.
Anyway typing has been my therapy for the last couple of years, erm i just had a thought unless your my friend you cant see my facebook page, ah well i may start bloggin after all, im kind of enjoying it, and it will give me something to do when im on insomniac island, i go there every night, normally its quite crap, dark, quiet and lonely really, apart from the other night when i phoned someone at 3 am, by mistake of course i was using my phone as a torch :0/ anyway i gotta go ive got some chips in the oven. not really sure why i bought that ab circle pro abdominiser im not really taking it seriously :0/
Same time tommorow then.
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