Sponge Bob Square pants, My dog is on ebay & NEVER trust a salt and vinegar crisp!

Good evening one and all.
I write to you today from the dark realms of exhaustion street. It was not long after our last meeting that i was to discover that the 'big room swap over' in my home was not over :0(
       Seeing an empty room what used to be my pit of a studio child 3 was in love. I could tell this by the way she rolled around the multi coloured carpet and played i am aeroplanes all about the place.
'erm mum can i have this room?' ' can you paint it sponge bob? Aw pwease mummy!!' I did i have to say actually make this hideous suggestion quite some months ago, before i became immensely fat, started to suffer swollen ankles, bursitis in each hip and before the carpel tunnel syndrome kicked in :0/
          Boy 40 thought it a fabulous idea only he does not have the talent to paint a giant sponge bob square pants, Patrick star and all of their weird friends on the walls :0/ Being as soft as marsh mallows i stupidly agreed to it.  If anyone has ever seen child 3's bedroom you will agree that it looks like a burglary. We have a huge family and very many lovely Friends who are all very kind and generous. For this i am extremely grateful and consider myself very lucky, but it does mean that child 3's room is stacked up to the rafters with every toy you can imagine. 7 years worth of birthdays and Christmases not to mention toys passed down from the other two.
          It has taken an entire week to transfer it all and endless hours of precise painting ( i may have to charge her full illustration rates, and danger money from climbing up to the cabin bed) My knees have turned inside out from kneeling for too long, my neck is cricked from being in a drawing mode for a week and i can no longer feel my own hand :0( but hey these are the sacrifices we make to please our kids.........
          Whilst getting up extra early on one of these long days i discover out of the bathroom window sat at the top of my garden steps a fox! A fox i tell you as bold as brass just sat there and staring at me whilst listening to the Guinea pigs who were tweeting like mentalists as usual.The rabbit was keeping her gob shut and i don't blame her!
            The little git sat there for 2 hours just casing the joint. Boy 40 thinks it may be the same fox he now wishes he didn't save one morning on the way to work.
           The fox in our family is now commonly known as the 'fox dog' fox dog because of the darkness of the hour in what boy 40 saved it, he could only see its arse you see. May be it had returned to thank him for pulling the 6ft drain pipe off of its head as it was walking about the main road blind and disorientated at 5.30 am. Or may be it was angry that boy 40 had intervened it could have been some dodgy fox sport of which he was winning? it could have been the best bit of piping he had ever found and so was now seeking revenge. On my fat juicy Guinea pigs. Well for what ever reason he was there and is on the prowl and so now i am sleeping with one eye open and the bathroom window open too in case he comes back.
            That of course is when i do sleep 'Insomniac Island' (now an official facebook page) Still appears to be one of my most visited places :0(  I have just come to the conclusion though that my brain is far too busy thinking to go to sleep, i have been trying to get to sleep all of my life, i mean what a waste of time, i may as well spend more time writing crap like this and working out ways to rule the world.
           Its too hard to sleep in my house anyway, last Tuesday for instance Boy 40 was snoring like a water Buffalo and child 3 was sleeping in the middle like a star fish, it was like playing a game of tetris in there trying to squeeze my fat self in to the ridicules space which was free. I decided that to go sleep with the dawg was a better option and so headed downstairs to camp sofa. .......... That was worse! The dog thought that 3 am was a most excellent time for an all over body wash, the licking and slurping quite frankly made me feel sick and to make matters worse it was louder than a car wash. And then the hideous farting began :0( I did not much like my dog at this point and was very tempted to put her up for sale on EBay, Of course i would not mention the farting in my sales pitch and would defiantly offer free and immediate delivery.
         This week has been good and bad really, the bad being off of this morning when child 2 came downstairs full of snot coughing like a trouper and sporting a spluting out  nose bleed which reached down to the floor :0(
          This is all very unfortunate, she has been well for 6 whole weeks!!!! 6 weeks is good for her, but now a few days before she starts big school the snot fairy arrives!! :0( So i shall again be battling that bloody dark arts snot fairy fest with antibiotics, nebulisers, build up tonics and vitamin C. I 'shall' beat her this time and my princess WILL go to the ball, i mean school. Just to add to her misery and disappointment we shall be attending yet another hospital appointment down in Frenchay tomorrow, my poor little lady must feel like some kind of medical experiment its so not fair :'0(
          Flipping the coin last Thursday was one of my most happy if not apprehensive days ever. It was GCSE results day and i was bricking it!! At 7 am i left insomniac island on a boat and sailed down the stairs, where i proceeded to busily sand down a table and paint it to take my mind off of the 10.am results time. I then went back upstairs and painted Patrick star unsure of what ailment was worse the nervous shakes or the numbness in my hands from the carpel tunnel :0/
          I then very nearly killed the cat :0/ she really should not have jumped from that tree on to the outside of a second floor window, i was only trying to save her from the inside :0/ ..... she seemed to survive the drop though :0/  Very soon it was 9.30 and i was shouting the boy child to get out of bed, he was not as nervous as me and strolled about slowly getting ready with out a care in the world (he gets that from boy 40)
          On the drive to school he tells me of a story of how someones Alevel results spelt DUDE. He thought that was very funny and wondered what his would spell........ this made me worse :0/
          So we bump in to a load of his Friends along the main road outside school, out he hops and i watch them all walk in, not one of them looked afraid! Narrowly missing a cyclist head on i turned in to the car park and waited, texts were coming in thick and fast from scores of people wanting to know how he did, this also made me feel worse. I really must stop being this way i am sure if i had to wait any longer than i did i would have given birth there and then! nervous tummy aches are not good to have when you are 23 weeks pregnant. And then the Little dude appeared strolling along, his blonde head bobbing up and down chatting on his phone, turns out that daddy had phoned him and was the first to know his results! grr boy 40 i wanted to know first!!
         Still 400 metres away i could not hold back anymore and so wound down the window. 'WHAT DOES IT SPELL?????' i screamed AAAAAAAAA boy child screamed back!!! i screamed back too but louder. OMG '9' A'S 9 bloody A'S and an A* and 2 B's!!!! It is official my boy child is a super genius!! After nearly weeing myself i sent around a mass text to all of our family and friends whilst boy child phone his Nan & Gramps.  I think i have only just stopped shaking god knows what ill be like on his uni graduation day :0/
           We went straight to town where we opened up a bank account for him where i deposited a hefty sum of money of what i had been saving for this since year 8 just for this purpose, Suffice to say that many other people had had the same idea and he has many well done gifts of cash and such like rewards for being so good.
         Child 3 i think was a little put out by all of the fuss he was receiving and looked rather jealous at every text message which came through, child 2 was as usual just happy for her big brother and added a sorry comment about how poor she will be on her results day because shes missed so much school. I reassured her she would be fine of course being our future priminister she will be loaded ;0) ' Come on ' i said in an attempt to cheer 2 and 3 up lets go spend your pocket money from Granny. I knew the soft rocket air puffer gun was a mistake as soon as i saw the look in child 3's eyes when she saw it :0/ This theory was to be confirmed when she accidentaly shot an old lady in the head in Wilkinson's :0/ She has made a pest of herself with it ever since and i am now glad that it is stuck up on top of the porch roof. I did however catch the little monkey standing on a garden chair in an attempt to climb up to get it.
            That evening g the boy child went to an exam results celebration party with his pals. Boy 40 took child 2 and 3 Laser tagging for a treat for child 3's birthday coming up. Gawd help them all i thought as they left, she had had much gun practice on this day already :0/ So i was all alone painting a large pink snail, this was when the shout out on the radio came through to congratulate my boy. Typically i was the only person who heard it because they were all out, only it was no surprise to me cos i was the one who text the DJ :0/
          So the week ended in a shopping trip and a lovely celebratory meal for the boy child. I knew though however that i had again purchased too much shopping when the car thought it (the shopping) was an 'Actual' person and started beeping at it to put its seat belt on :0/ i really must get some therapy for this addiction.
That's it really campas i was going to share with you a couple of interesting things wot i found in the dark depths of my studio last week but that will have to wait till next week, you are all probably bored to tears of me by now .
          Just one last thing though of what i must warn you. Never trust a salt and vinegar crisp!
          Last night i was sitting there minding my own business when a crisp i was eating catapulted itself right in to my left eye! Why this freak thing would happen to me i do not know but expect my goblins had something to do with it. I flitted about a bit in hideous pain and then ran in  to the kitchen Boy 40 ran after me like a 999 rescue force. The crisp and all of its salt and vinegaryness was stuck up inside my left eye lid and it flimmin hurt a lot. I am very aware of scratched eye balls from a friend of mine and a Christmas tree accident a few years ago and they are not pleasant. I kept my eye closed well i couldn't open it anyway, and boy 40 bathed it with some warm water hoping that that my eye ball would soak up all of the flavour and soften the crisps sharp edges. Thankfully it worked and it came out, i was glad to be avoiding an embarrassing trip to casualty with a salt and vinegar crisp stuck up my eye. Anyway i really must go now child 3 has painted a T.Shirt with red poster paint in my bathroom what i have just cleaned :0( she has told me not to worry about the mess already which leaves me again in nervous anticipation :0/
                Just one last thing. A quick question before i go which i think needs addressing. Put to me originally by child 3, she does i feel have a very good point and has raised health and safety issues we all need to be aware of.
            " What happens if you have an Electric Blanket and you wet the bed???"
Answers on a post card please.
Until next time i leave you with sponge bob xx turrah

Martin Lewis i want to marry you ... & Hurrahh for Noel Edmunds!

Greetings
Today i write to you from Insomniac island, i spend most of my nights here now :0( But tonight i am here as a volunteer. There are snooze boats of what i could probably drift off on, but it seems that my brain is again  intent on filling the world with another extract of literary crap, so i have chosen to stay.
            Any how I'm far too busy in the daytime to write crap such as this.
This week the mass clear up operation has commenced. Not the flood damage clear up oh no 'that' little baby was last week. I'm beginning to see why i spend all of my time on the island now, its much less stressful!! This week was the beginning of the great room swap over :0( ......... I blame myself entirely for the confusing piles of crap some dating back to 1824 :0( and the general scatty un keptness of the whole place, i think its the artist in me and sometimes i wish she would piss off! Does anyone remember Mr Trebas off of the life of grime?? I feel i may be related to him :0(
4 Days ago i started taking apart my studio !!! 4 bloody days, i started with a big bin bag, I'm moving it downstairs you see so child the 4th can have a bedroom. It is i have to say driving me insane! The room downstairs is also much smaller :0/  Boy 40 has already told me i must keep the new room tidy. He's the sorter of the household and if it was not for him the whole place would explode!! .... much like a tsunami it would engulf the whole of the village and cascade down in to town knocking people out with various unwanted house hold items, un opened letters and crap i have kept since the 80's.
         I sometimes wonder if there is may be some kind of medication you can get for being me?? its hard work in every area, everything i do or look at ends up in a pickle of some sort :0/ For example, My friend Corrinne has just opened up a shop in town, its got some of my stuff in it, mainly hand painted tiles. A man walked in a few weeks ago rather fancying some kitchen / bathroom tiles of what i had painted. As there were not enough in the shop i agreed to come out of retirement and paint some for him.
Easy i thought i have all of the paints I've got blank tiles blah blah.
hmmmm Nah that's just not me i cant sit down at my desk take a tile some paints and just get on with it!!!
        Reaching for said paints (ceramic paints £4.00 a pot). they were gone :0( i must admit the hole (work space) on my desk in what i work gets smaller each time i use it :0( The whole desk is kinda like  one of those 2 p machines you would find in a seaside arcade, stuff just gets shoved off as more stuff gets put on
 :0(  ...... and you never win anything. So this is what happened to the paints they had been shoved off of the back, by some catalogues selling paint ironically. This would also be 'ok' if it wasn't happening to me!, i could just get under the desk and pick them up. But of course that would be far to simple, oh yes it would be much better if the paint lids had not been put on properly, and the paint pots had fallen over, started tipping when the desk hole space was bigger, pouring down on to the radiator and the cream carpet below :0( A secret what i could have kept from boy 40 for years!! but not now now the room was to be emptied...... he will not be pleased.
        Not only annoyed as my profit was slowly going down the drain, (or the radiator) but i now have a multi coloured carpet.
        Following a whole wasted day purchasing more paints a whole day because child 1 2 and 3 were involved and also had to go to shops they wanted to go to, i returned home.
         It was late now and after dinner but due to the timing of the deadline i proceeded to paint the backgrounds. The said tiles were all laid out neatly on my desk to dry over night,, rather like the leather from the elves and the shoe maker book, Only no elves came in the night to to finish them
. Oh no Asbo cat the great paid a visit, she must have entered the room when they were of a tacky state of dry, i could tell this by the cat arse hole print on the middle one. The rest of them looked like i had scattered them prettily with black pubes what i had carefully collected and selected that very day to add extra character. :0(
              Disastrous was not the word, who ever would want furry bathroom tiles?? apart from Mr Trebas. Even i could not get away with this and so i had to do them all again, my profit was now going in to the negative, but hey I'm quite used to that.
           Well Campas that was the very day before the cosmos decided to smile upon me and give me some good luck. Remember the good luck day i had a few months ago? and the one in 1997?? well its happenening again and i think I'm on a roll!!, if you would like to know what the cosmos can actually do for you, ask Noel Edmund's he's the one who told me its secret and for that i am very grateful...
            Following a 3 hour wait on the tax credits help line which i had to phone back twice because the phone battery's kept going ( that wasn't very lucky i admit) I discover some good news. Thanks to the shitty recession boy 40 and i have earned the equivalent to what they paid cleaners in Dickens times in the last few years, so we are owed some back dated cash!!!! its only gonna pay off a small piece of over draft but its better than a kick up the arse and made me very happy.
          To add to this i would like to Marry Martin Lewis and to thank him for banging on about ppi so much!!
          Being a victim of the recession fall out i spend much time on Insomniac island dreaming up rich quick schemes. I have at least 20 dragons den ideas, and 40 odd money making propositions which need a bit of tweaking. One particular night i decided to take Martin Lewis's advise and i wrote a letter to my payment protection insurance company.
          For years i have been telling boy 40 to sort it out, its crap and doesn't work for self employed people like us. He has nothing to do with anything in an envelope though and appears to be allergic to opening any post, I'm not sure if he even knows who we bank with :0/  So i took it upon myself to sort it out, i wrote a simple letter just asking for my money back............ Following the 'piss off your stupid' letter i received from the Halifax re the home insuring flood thang. I did not hold out much hope..........
         They sent back a letter!! and they are making a full refund!!! omg this surely is the beginning of my good luck life!! i shall be doing the lottery this week and i fully expect to win it!!
          ..................... Sorry it appears i took the snooze boat from the island at this point! It is now 3 days later and i am pleased to say that child 4 now has a nursery!! No double wardrobe that's still full of fitness contraptions that i and boy 40 will never use. but hey you cant have everything.
        Child 4 by the way is a little girl totally outnumbering boy 40 and child 1, in fact child 1 is rumoured to be looking for a new home, but he was only joking he will never leave his mummy!
        The scan went well and child 4 reminded me a lot of the others ... gobby. She spent most of her time eating or singing which i couldn't be sure, i told you she'd be just like the others look at the mouth on her

She will never stop talking i can tell already, she appears to be laughing her head off !! May be i will just buy boy child 1 some super sonic ear plugs.
         Child 3 is still not sure about a new baby i may have to get her some counselling, she's trying her hardest to work out a way where she can still be the youngest :0/
         I actually caught child 3 in a cute girly moment this week, this is an odd occurrence, being a tom boy she spends most of her time in the mud. Walking past her bedroom i heard some singing, there she was sitting cross legged on the floor singing Oh Danny boy whilst mending the wheel on her pram. It was a sweet gorgeous little girly moment of what i will cherish, the moment ended when i looked in to the pram. There led her monkey with half of its head missing, it apparently happened in a hairdressing accident :0/ the rest of him was bandaged up like it had been part of a terrible experiment :0/
 Oh well that's all i can expect really, i didn't want to ruin my ideal moment and so have since put the monkey out of my mind.
           Child 3 has also been up to her usual tricks this week, just one of them being the creation of a fake social blunder to amuse herself when we were out.
          Being girls as they are it is my duty to take them to the toilet every five minutes when we are out, boy 40 finds this hilarious as he sits and watches me up and down like a yo yo whilst he's drinking beer.
         On the 4th toilet trip child 3 was in the cubical laughing like a hyena. I could not imagine what was so funny, she was by herself in the toilet ??
          I then realised what she was up to when she strolled back in to the restaurant with 2 metres of toilet paper hanging from the back of her trousers :0(  It got the reaction she was looking for as she waltzed past the tables of diners.
         She then made a visit to condiment island to get some sauces of which she did not want, just to cover the other half of the place.......... i think i need to get her in to stage school. I am quite sure though that everyone knew exactly of the fake faux pas by the way she kept bending over in hysterics to herself :0? So I'm sorry if you were there that day and did not find it at all funny .
       The next day i had to see the consultant at the maternity hospital, this is just routine because of child 2's heart problems. The consultant however spent most of her time laughing at child 2's birth story!! (its in the January section of the blog if you need to cheer yourselves up) She then asked if i would be having the baby in stroud, i said yes she said 'what anywhere in stroud?' I did laugh too i must admit and I'm glad i have entertained the NHS with my misfortunes. To be fair though the NHS has paid out thousands for child 2 so i do owe them one. The latest episode being in this week. Attempt 4 to give her some much needed injections :0( this time sponge bob n Patrick took her, aka Nanny and Grampy. It was a military operation, i carefully selected clothes for that day a short sleeved t.shirt ( her tactic last time was to zip up her fleece to her chin and hold the cuffs tight) Anesthetic cream on at 8.30 precisely. Story told about how grampy needs her to take him to the doctors for his flu jab because he is scared! Good lord it worked !!! she even offered to share some of the magic numbing cream. Even the staff at the doctors were flabbergasted, they normally put out a four minute warning. I myself warn the town to baton down the hatches and lock all of the doors.
        Well Grampy can take her again, she has a blood test coming up and the dreaded MRI still has to be done :0(
         For a treat they took child 1 2 and 3 shopping to buy them some presents, one present being a sponge bob monopoly game for child 3.
         I'm sorry to say i have been in  jail now for 3 days!! I just 'can't' roll that darn double ;0) Its not so bad though cos whilst the cheating and stealing of bankers money is going on on the floor, i can lie on the sofa eating crisps and watching TV ;0)
        I'm off now i seem to have been rabbiting on for hours sorry if you are bored!! but please come back next time. I shall leave you with a picture of the finished tiles (without the black fur) just so you don't think me completely unprofessional :0)
TTFN

Dear Dominic Littlewood ................. im having a few problems with 'fate'

Today has not been one of the greatest, You may not be surprised to hear that! I have decided that after 30 something years i probably should not believe in fate anymore. Gullible i may be but have always believed that things happen for a reason.
        Reading back through my blogs and thinking back on my life in general I'm seriously starting to doubt that theory now :0(
        I mean what possible reason could there be for my latest blunder of humongous proportions??
I decided last week to do a Balance transfer on my credit cards they are of exceedingly high amounts. This process involves transferring balances from old credit cards with interest rates of 16 % or more to new ones with 0%, i mean 16 % on 20 grand is a lot of money :0(  Ill tell you one day why i have accumulated 20 grand, its a very long story and not at all funny :0( grrrrrrr
        So the process 'simples' you may think. Well if you know me personally you will know my maths is hideous so faced with the said 20 grand, five credit cards and a computer things were probably never going to turn out right :0/ i had also been on insomniac island all night working out this little scheme in my head.
        All was going well until i received an email from one of the credit cards i had just opened. They informed me that the balance transfer was NOT successful. Pants!!!! as it was close to pay some off day i was a little nervous by this revelation. So i opened another credit card and transferred the balance again.
        Everything was groovy until i received a confirmation letter from the failed balance transfer credit card a few days later. FAILED BALANCE TRANSFER MY ARSE!! the balance was on there! Now this would have been good if i had not ALSO transferred the balance to another card :0( :0(
        I am probably the only person in the world to have a credit card in credit :0(  £4000 in credit. wot a twat!!! and i paid over £100 for the privilige.
       So Fate for what possible reason will that benefit my life? Another question for you is Why would i have 2 floods in one weekend?? Even Noah didn't get 2 floods in one weekend!
       It was last Sunday when i arrived home from picking up the boy child that the series of unfortunate events were about to unfold.
       Child 3 was outside with a homemade placard. Upon it were the words 'DO NOT ENTER THE FLOOD OF DOOOM ' A bio hazard creature sat in the corner with rain on its head with what looked like a poo floating in the sky.
       I did not worry too much as this is quite normal behaviour for child 3. I did not worry that was until i entered the front door. It was then for the second time in my life that i saw it raining inside :0( The first being the great flood of 2004 at my old house, my old new house what i wrecked all 3 floors to in a self plumbing accident :0(
      So 2011 and here i am again Boy 40 was all of a panic. The water was cascading down the inside of the ceiling slope above the stairs and saturating the carpet below. It came through the middle landing ceiling also saturating the carpet below, the Middle bathroom ceiling didn't look to healthy either.
      Worse was to come when i went upstairs, there the flood was at its epicenter 3 inches deep on the shower room floor, it had soaked through to the landing and two bedrooms either side. It was then that i had the awful thought, the toilet it was leaking from was blocked this morning with rather unsavoury stuff emitted from child 2's bottom :0(
       .......... My feet were wet, with what i knew not :0(  There was so much water it could have well diluted any nasty stuff by 1000 times. There was no colour to the flood water which was encouraging but i could have missed this particular poo train when i was out :0(  boy 40 was in the kitchen when it all started probably listening to radio 4 :0( i still have no idea if the poo train rode through that day or not :0/
         Monday was worse. I phoned the Halifax yes the 'HALIFAX' and tried to claim on my house insurance, after all i had 4 wrecked ceilings and as many wrecked carpets. Going through the claim was all fine until the man kindly tells me that there is a £500 excess charge. £500 ??? i say are you mad?? When i took out the policy it was £250. 'Yes' he said but you also have a £250 voluntary excess on the policy. I asked him what idiot would volunteer to pay £250 on top of a £250 excess charge. He basically said 'you did' or words to that effect.
       I argued with him and then argued with someone else i didn't get anywhere and neither of them appeared to give a shit........ Thieving vagabonds. I wrote a letter of complaint and received a letter back, i thought they would have some basic understanding and customer care but no, they basically told me to piss off, saying my renewal documents would have both excess charges in them. ( i haven't even recieved any renewal documents.
      Child 3 told me to write to 'Dont get done get Dom'  (Dominic littlewood off of the t.v) She is a frequent writer to him, her most recent letter being on the advertising misrepresentation of Science club at school. Child 3 has rather an imaginative head and took the advertisement they came in to school and did, as the certain fact she would be blowing up classrooms, doing exciting experiments with frogs and turning her classmates in to toads........ Of course it was nothing like this, she didn't even show up to the last one because it was so boring, and i paid £47.00 for it.
        Child 3 was madder than a hatter about this, the letter was 2 pages long, her point being that its not right to falsely advertise something. Child 2 our future priminister told her that advertisements are there to fool you and pointed out that meercats cannot talk and skoda cars are not in fact made of cake.!!
         As if that was not enough i headed downstairs to the kitchen fuming by what the Halitwats had said. It was at this point the microwave blew up and a heavy pot of marmite fell on my foot. 'MUM' shouts child 3 what is that??? i looked up to see water coming through the kitchen ceiling. This was not the toilet flood!! it was coming from my en suite no where near any of the toilety flood mess. 'Well that's just F  ing marvelous ' i thought to myself. The bathroom is tiled from floor to ceiling and there was no obvious sign of leakage, water was though leaking somewhere in the shower, where from i had no idea, so i needed a plumber for the 2nd time in 2 days. :0(
        I called my 10 year builders guarantee but it turns out that 'That ' cant even guarantee it will be dark tonight :0(
       Frankly I'm pissed off with the cowboy builder shite which is going on in my house that toilet flood was not a surprise its never worked properly, none of them have to be truthful. :0(
                                            Here is my letter to Dominic Littlewood for your information.

                 

Well ill let you know what he says, i have to go the smoke alarm is going off, it appears that i have tried to boil potatoes on the stove with no water in the sauce pan :0/

TTFN xxxx