Tuesday, 11 March 2014

Im sorry but this hideous blog has returned and for that i can only apologise. The cheese, the ambulance and the donkey

Hey you guys its me!!! IM STILL ALIVE! (just)
 I can't imagine anyone really cares where i went, or how i went or why i came back so i guess im going to have to build up my readers again, all 8000 of you mainly therapists, experts in psychiatry, the Rspca, social services, masterchef, irate spell checkers, infuriated  grammar experts, experts on the mind & sleep specialists..
Where the hell do i start ???
Ironically more has happened in the last 18 months than i care to mention, the main reason for my abrupt end on blogging my life was is and will remain number 4 (remember that baby i had?? ......
 I have never met a child like her she is 1, 2, and 3 all rolled into one :0/ feel my pain? i've had no sleep for 2 years!
The catalyst of needing to start this self therapy again was this morning when i tripped over the living room rug with a cup of coffee in my hand, it ruched up like a fan catapulting number 4 (who was also standing on the said rug holding her drink) flying in to the air luckily she landed in the ball pit .... on the cat :0/
Its all fine  now don't worry she is at my feet as i type completely destroying my office room.
 Jeeeez i don't actually know where to begin too much has gone on, number 4 started speaking at a very young age and now doesn't stop so space in my head for memories is very small indeed. One recent memory which is stuck fast in my mind was the poo and the cheese incident at the vauxhall garage... Number 4 has problems pooing you see and the poo train does not arrive very often. When it does arrive mind you the smell is more terrifying than a silage pit being set on fire on a farm on a hot summers day!! and believe me i know what that smells like!! Well to be truthful not the fire part that didn't happen but we do have a farm and the silage pit smells like flowers compared to number 4's poo.
Anyway it had been a while and i could tell as we pulled up to the spanking clean lined minimalistic show room with hundreds of thousand of pounds of new cars in it that we were going to have a problem, mainly due to number 4's face which looked very red and the gruntation of the words i got poooooo. It was all rather alarming as i carried her out of her car seat, small explosions of gas started popping from her nappy area, should i put her in the pushchair? there she could sit still and poo quietly? hopefully?
It was at the mention of the word pushchair that halted that thought. She did that back arch thing, you know the one where they just won't bend? i gave up on that idea and just carried her in.
 The man at the desk was nice it all smelt so lovely and new and fresh in there, not like the car id just gotten out of :0/ the reason to change my car again was mainly due to the smell of old lunch boxes and growing fungi trees :0/
         Yeah so get me looking all cool about to buy my new car, today it was just the hand over of the old one the signing of papers and of course the payment (i have to tell you i actually bought the car by complete accident the week earlier, i got a bit over excited by an advert in the paper )
 It was all going great until i had to sign bubba 4 was being quite loud now shouting at me about biscuits and such like i mean i was grateful that she had forgotten about the poo for a while, it was then that the piece of baby bel cheese fell out of my ear and landed upon the desk. Upon the very piece of paper which i had to sign, i mean what does one say about that? that familiar daily basis red cheeked omg swallow me up ground feeling erupted yet again as i swished it away as if it was a normal thing to happen, you know what its like when you have a baby they spill yoghurt down your best black leggings they smear brown chocolate all over your favorite cream top making you look like  the poo queen, i mean for gods sake ive looked like a dirty scarecrow for the passed 2 years :0/ a piece of baby bell stuffed in my ear is the normal thing for me.
         I then discovered that my current car, the piece of rubbish i was selling actually probably had no mot :0/ oh for gods sake i mumbled in a mad womans stressed state under my breath whilst looking through the crumpled up pieces of a4 papers concerning my car. It was then that the smell filled the room / the show room...... i shit you not it smells like potent gone off cow poo seriously in august she filled an entire marquee with the smell at a wedding :0/ Boy 40 (yes surprisingly i still have a husband) took her out for a walk as an excuse thinking it was some kind of drain malfunction :0/ although he soon realised it was 4 and bought her back to me  :0(
Anyway i did not know where to put myself, we were the only customers in there so it was either me or her. I then realised for the thousanth time in my life that i was not a normal person off to buy a normal car with  my normal baby. I signed the paperwork handed over my card and my crap old car key and left. The smell of cow poo in my new car still lingers, as it probably does in the showroom  :0/
             Number 3 you will be glad to hear has not changed one bit but now has a new partner in crime being number 4 together they are invincible :0/
Talking of number 3 i started writing this blog again last summer following our trip to Weston super mare ...... I wrote it all down  actually in the car oin the way home. It was the donkey ride that started it all off :0/ 'Yes' she told the man 'me and my sister are experienced horse riders!!!' whaaat????  I have never seen a child look so scared in my life!! they were sprinting along that beach!!! number 3 was there going 'yeah faster!! ' number 2 just looked like that time she did on the fair ground ride heading towards what she thought was her pending doom.
          Following that number 3 fell over the beach wall luckily it wasnt as high on the other side im not sure the family below appreciated it much though, she then ran along the pier at 100 mph straight up the ramp and in to an open ambulance ?? why would a child do this? it was like something off of Benny hill luckily the paramedics were seeing to an old lady on the pier and were not on board, i told her of the consequences of what could of happened ., ie them shutting the back doors and her being whizzed off somewhere fast but she just found this hilarious.
 We found a lovely water park/ playground on the way home, 3 thought this was great she immediately was off trying out all of the play equipment. Sat on the grass with 4 and 2 boy 40 and i were quite exhausted, after 40 minutes or so we thought we should get home. Where was 3 ?? we couldn't see her anywhere after a few scary minutes we found her swinging in a massive hammock shaped swing with another family, it appeared she had joined them, 4 or five of them were all led there swinging with her in the middle, they looked like something off of the Waltons, the mum was pushing the swing, although the break was nice we thought we had better claim her and take her home :0/
        Well that was probably the best most healthy adventure of last year it was not long after that that 2 started to get poorly......
We have had a crap few months, really awful stuff has happened, you know 2 our future prime minister and campaigner of all things politically incorrect, well after 15 years she has finally been diagnosed with the problems that have caused her to be so ill every 3 / 4 weeks since she was born., To be honest its all very serious and very misunderstood feel free to look at this for a simple explanation
http://rachelpeglerartworks.wix.com/savinglives
Its resorted in me having to try and save the world and number 2's future independance :0/  Take a look, i don't want to dwell on this so i shall swiftly move on if you can help in anyway at all please do so.
       On a happier note the boy child genius number 1 got top grades and made it to uni !!! he comes home as often as i can get him here but is having an amazing time!!
Number 3 academically still appears to also be a genius she is on school council for the 4th year running and is now involved in mission to the moon meetings where she has been selected to represent her school in a sending a lego man to actual space !!! her role of a journalist has been very welcomed by her as failing to get this role would have been disastrous for one one who has to win at everything, she is still wearing the wrong trousers to school and has learnt to play guitar, she also still embarrases me on a daily basis by shouting things like this  loudly as she enters the school building  'DON'T FORGET TO PAY MY DINNER DEBT TODAY MUM IT'S GETTING EMBARRASSING' :0/ .
Number 2 has been off of school for months due to her spiralling downward illness no one knew of, she is slowly making it back upwards now with much needed treatment, she's just started by doing mornings, her teachers though are very proud by her amazing genius ways of slotting right back in and catching up with what she has missed.... she spent nearly 2 months asleep all day :0/
I've not changed & neither has my cooking :0/ last week i used carpet mousse as hair mousse and ordered a house sign (my own house sign) with the wrong house name :0/
Boy 40 remains the most amazing husband that ever was, bit sickening really i just cant fault him, he even stayed awake for 42 hours when number 2 was in hospital in december and you know how he needs his sleep, :0/
The pets are still as asbotic as ever asbo cat spent the entire christmas last year pissing in my winter wonderland below the tree :0/ the outside pets have all died i'm afraid it was all a bit unfortunate out on the patio last winter and caused many tears.
The fish jumped out of his bowl for the last time and the dog still sees invisible things and sometimes still likes to poo on the floor.
Well apart from the story about number 4 peeing on the floor in sainsbury and then calling the checkout lady a stinky poo poo and having a fight with her on the conveyer belt because she wanted to steal her chocolate peppa pig lolly thats about it. Oh apart from the fact that the same 2 year old takes hours to transport everywhere  because she will not get in a pushchair and will not wear reigns because (in her words ) i not a camel i cant think of much more to say
So much more has happened but i have conveniently blocked it from my mind i hope this is a satisfactory update i would hope to be back soon
See yawl ;0)

asbo cat at christmas :0/




       

Friday, 6 July 2012

Im sorry about the Jubilee weather Horribulus Your Majesty , I had no idea that our summer plans would clash :0/

            It soon became clear that the confessions blog had not worked :0/ I could tell this by the 7 hour traffic jam to Cornwall ! Oh yes the day that the M5 was turned in to a car park :0( I was reminded of it again when the weather was so bad in Cornwall that it was raining sideways :0/ To be truthful i didn't realise we had a sea view until 3 days in because to me it just looked like bad sky :0/
           On the Sunday (The big Jubilee Sunday of the water pageant) the rain pelted down so hard that the caravan shook in an alarming manner, it was on this day that we decided to stay in as it looked far to dangerous outside :0/  Im sure that the queen and prince Philip wished they were staying in also :0( I felt awful for them shivering away on that boat like that :0/ knowing that probably it was all my fault.
I am so sorry your majesty when I booked my annual holiday I had no idea that it would clash with your jubilee celebrations, had I have realised I would have indeed chosen another week :0/
            If you refer back to the cornish showers blog from last year the photos will give you a good idea of what it was like ......... I don't know why I bother!!!
           So I was apparently allergic to the sun. Well I can tell you the condition has not been a problem at all :0/  Although sods law before the holiday we had a few hot weeks.
 It was in the week before that I decided to clean up the camping chairs, it was a boiling hot blazing sun day and I thought yeah!! dining alfresco in the sunshine in Cornwall nice!!! I found 6 adult ones all together and they were to be fair in a bit of a state, I thought id take them all as we were going with some friends. So I swept the patio planted some hanging baskets and sprayed all 6 chairs, I sprayed them until they were soaked this I thought would get rid of the green stuff :0/ It was then that bubba 4 woke up, pleased that I had finished something I picked her up and then looked at the chairs in the blazing sunshine. It was then that I glanced down  at the spray ..... fec In big fat gypsy letters it said FLAMMABLE!!! DO NOT LEAVE IN DIRECT SUNLIGHT!!!! Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit! :0(
            The sunlight couldn't have been more direct than that :0/ now what the hell do I do? they desperado needed hosing but Bubba 4 was not having any of it, in the end I just had to leave them there ..... on display, in the boiling hot sunshine :0/
            I ran to school that day hoping that my patio would not blow up :0/ How many people have had to worry about that ? not bloody many  I bet :0/
            Upon my return I am glad to say that the patio had not blown up and all was well ....... until the next day that was, when we tried to fit them in the car........ They wouldn't fit, neither did 1 suitcase the pushchair the travel cot and a child :0/
           So well done to me I had done it again!! I had packed up a years worth of stuff to last us seven days! normally my friend comes round and goes through my packing taking out the fur coats and stuff but she had selfishly gone on holiday so i had to do it by myself!  :0/ ...... im sure i have a hoarding problem :0/
          Boy 40 managed to shove a lot of stuff ( mainly winter get up ) in to the £500 roof box. I then cleverly shrunk the duvet covers sheets and towels in to shrink bags!! (how many people pack so much stuff that they have to hoover shrink duvets?? ) :0/
          So then we were off 2 hours late already because the roof box would not lock, this could be because it got crushed underneath that barrier that time :0/ At this rate our friends who hadn't even left yet would be there before us :0/
I had never been so glad to get to Cornwall. First of all we visited (apparently) the oldest pub in Cornwall for some tea, they probably started building it when we got on that flippin motorway :0/ I love Cornwall but by the Thursday I would have been quite happy to go home, I extracted bubba 4 from her cot that night at 3 am through fear that we would wake up in Kansas in a broken caravan, I have never never experienced wind like that before , oh apart from the time at 3 cliffs bay in Wales when our tent blew down :0( 4 am 999 rescue. Boy 40 was outside in his pants franticly  bashing down the tent pegs, we pulled the kids out by their feet and all rocked from side to side in the car until 6 am when I decided to tell all of our friends we were leaving and could they chuck our tent away in the 'proper' morning :0/
            Im not sure what I looked like when I turned up at McDonald's at 7 am wearing a pair of moo cow pyjamas and some wellies :0/ I was glad though to have left that camp site as the very next day a land rover careered backwards down the field through the campers and in to the road :0/
             So back to Cornwall. Following the weather from monsoon land gushing down my head all week boy 40 decided to drive up the coast on the way home, he figured that the motorway would be the same as the previous Saturday because the holiday makers would all be going back up ....wet :0(
             10 HOURS!!!!!! 10 HOURS I TELL YOU!!! 10 hours 4 counties and 2 country's!! Yes 2 country's the motor way was closed when Jeremy Clarkson decided to eventually get on it so we were diverted to Wales!! WALES!!!! FFS
             Child 3 was not impressed she still gets flash backs to the welsh camping disaster although to be fair she should get flash backs every time she sees a field our camping holidays have been that bad :0/ it happens every where  :0/ She shouted I don't want to go to Wales to all of the other people in the traffic jam and I could tell by their faces that they didn't want to go there either :0/ I didn't much fancy it myself we had already been on the road for 5 hours :0/
Glad though this time I was that boy 40 used the diversions, and not the sat nav in his brain which he unfortunately used when we ran out of petrol in Cornwall, even sat navs cannot find petrol stations in Cornwall never mind the one in his brain :0/ That was the day that child 3 dropped ice cream on the floor of a shop in Tintagel . The miserable git of a shop owner gave her a right good telling off, poor thing she would have eaten it outside if it wasn't raining so much :0/ For this child 3 broke friends with the whole of Cornwall and does not want to be going back there again any time soon ( A bit like Wales)
          Erm Mum she pipes up from the back of the almost stationary car 'How is the queens husband? I heard he is in hospital !!' Yes I think he's ok I replied 'Oh right she said 'did he fall off of a cliff??' 'No I replyed 'he got a wee wee infection when he was out in the rain 'AH right' she replied, I thought nothing of this until I heard her tell someone if you go out in the rain and get stingy wee it means your a prince :0/ I can feel a whole new children's story coming on instead of the princess and the pea it would be the prince and the pee :0/ .............. just an idea.
            Im not really sure where to start with her antics over the past month, I suppose I could start with the ' look mum no hands, no feet, no nuffink' accident, or the spectacular skid across the bridge and over the top of the scooter accident (I mean stunt) or indeed when she crashed in to that lamp post, stood up immediately giving her fingers a gangsta rap flick whilst saying 'Check it!! stunt' :0/ To be honest with you there have been too many to mention. I would say the most dangerous one in my mind would be the one last Tuesday when she raced against the flow of pedestrians on the path at school. Picking up tremendous speed she made the mistake of breaking as she hit the wet grass thus skidding sideways to a miraculous landing outside the school hall :0/ It was only the week before that I had to let about 40 parents and kids go by me repeating ' erm sorry would you like to go by me she appears to be stuck in the fence ':0/ ....... that was a long night.
           Her fascination with the 240 volt electrical box at the traffic lights also came to a head in this week. ' can I touch that mum? ' no I said you cant touch it ' can I touch it with a pen? ' no you cannot touch it with a pen .......'can you touch it with a pen?' no I cannot ' if I get a pen from school can I touch it on the way home? 'No' I answered for the thousandth time that morning. It was also upon this day that she managed to convince the shop keeper to sell her a bag of skittles for 8 pence less!!! 8 pence I tell you!!! that was some achievement it costs about £2.40 in that shop for a can of beans!
           The next day we unfortunately had to take child 2 to the Othodontist or Awful dentist as she has re named her. Upon leaving child 3 shouts out 'HEY MUM LOOK AT THAT CAR'!!!! 'COR'!!!!! 'That man must be soooo rich he's had the Olympic rings put on the front of his car in silver!!!!!!' ...... I didn't have the heart to tell her it was an Audi :0/
          Another faux paus she has made this week was telling her teacher she could play the harmonica. She had no idea why she did it because she had no idea how to play the harmonica.  It was arranged that she would get up on the stage the very next day and play the said harmonica in front of the whole school :0/ She laughed as she told me this conundrum she was facing and thought the situation hilarious :0/
We then had 5 solid hours of 3 blind mice, she was blowing sucking and even made up her own tune to it at one point.
        If you know anything about 3 she is as stubborn as a mule and will succeed in anything she wants to do so by the next morning she could indeed play 3 blind mice on the harmonica perfectly and even got put in to a concert :0/ I was at the least very impressed by this because up until that point she had only made joke fart noises on the small instrument.
You will be glad to know that she has named her feet Bob And Maureen, I have no idea why and she styled a ponies hair in to a Justin Bieber style at dinosaur land, she has managed to get child 2 stuck in the wheelie bin and 4 of her friends stuck up the woods :O/ She also emulsioned her own face last friday :0/ ........before you feel you should get involved social services im already putting together my defence case and its bloody good!!!
       I was glad last week that child 2 and 3 were invited to a jewellery party next door, not glad to get rid of them for a while although that was a bonus but glad because child 3 was at last doing something a bit girly!!! ...Until that was that 2 came home and said that she had pulled the party lady to one side and had asked where she got her drill from :0/
           I think that's probably enough of her now.
2 has been to hideous amounts of hospital appointments in the past 2 weeks, I try to fit them all in the holidays normally but she had a treat this year and went to Cornwall in the pissing down rain instead :0/
 I was surprised that her lung capacity was so rubbish at 68 % I mean I don't know anyone who can shout louder than her :0/ Her and the boy child were having a conversation in the kitchen, she obviously did not have her hearing aids in because they were both shouting (and the door was open ) :0/
'HEY LOOK' says 1 this Shepherds pie defy's gravity!!!!' ....... I bet Nigella's kids have never said that!" nor I bet they have never had to pick up roasted salmon with their fingers because the cutlery was not strong enough to cut it :0/
          Just while im still thinking of 3 look what she did to 2's face on Sunday night!!!!















How was I to get that off by Monday morning? 2 went to school looking like Alice cooper :0/ 
She then offered to paint my nails :0/










My fingers look like mikados!!!!! :0(

Well lastly me ive been hoovering up frubes and stuff :0/ stupid hoover wont suck up crumbs but it sucks up plastic wrapped yoghurt's :0/ it all smells quite pleasantly fruity at the moment but give it a few weeks and it'll smell like Gorgonzola :0/ id let myself off if I didnt have history in that department :0/
I realised the other day that the taller my shoes are the skinnier my legs look, I now require some 50 ft platforms if anyone has any? I mean it was nice to receive so much home made birthday cakage on my birthday but now my Kylie arse is paying for it :0/
The birthday BBQ was cancelled by the way due to adverse weather conditions :0/
         So apart from the boy child going to a madness concert (although he could have saved some money & stayed home and seen it ) Nothing much else has happened, he had a psychology exam which he probably aced living here and certain university's are willing to pay him to study there next year! :o) I would actually be eternally grateful for that fact though because otherwise he will be 60 odd grand in debt :0/
          So that's it then hope you haven't been too bored.
Until next time 5,881 ;0)

Saturday, 26 May 2012

Dead canary's crushed horses & karma. confessions of a mentalist :0/

Hey how are you campas?
       Well things have been a bit weird here. :0/ weirder than normal in fact and that's why i have come to a very serious decision about my life. looking back things undoubtedly do just happen to me! I have demonstrated that by way of this blog for the last year or so.
    So i have decided to wipe the slate clean and confess to all of the bad things that i have done and start over again :o/ in the hope that i can become a 'normal' person.
The last straw!
Last week i erupted! i erupted in a rash of blisters. I can only describe this rash as a Dickensian small pox  type entity which started popping out on my fingers i could also feel each one exploding and as each one popped up my face contorted a little further in disgust. By the end of the day my hands arms and chest was covered in the stuff there was actually no skin in between the little suckers. By this time my face had contorted so far in disbelief that it was up the road and round the corner.
 By Tuesday i resembled something off of horrible history's it was now on my face creating a red itchy beard. I urgently took myself to the doctors. He called me in and i explained to him that i had indeed caught the plague :0/ he sat back in his chair and just stared at me agreeing that it truly was a mess. Apparently i had a very good specimen of a scar which the blisters had attacked , the student doctor was very impressed by this.
         The doctor though he had many theory's didn't really have a clue what it was but gave me some steroids and antihistamine, i was ordered to go back and see him in a few days. Upon my return following a weekend of carrying a bell about and shouting unclean as i walked through the streets he told me that i was in fact allergic to the sun!!!! wtf???? Polymorphous light eruption is its proper name :0/ 
And so it was for this reason that i have decided to ask forgiveness and to say sorry for all of the naughty things wot i have done :0/ I mean if you believe in Karma and become allergic to the sun it makes you think :0/
    (another quick reason before i start)  Yesterday i had a small party on my veranda, it was a hot sunny day and the Olympic torch was passing, i had about 30 people over, music food beer you know all of the things. 
My factor 50 was slapped all over me and as the Olympic convoy went passed they all beeped as we all cheered, that bit was ok and then bubba 4 started screaming, she was tired and when shes tired shes angry, just like the hulk you wouldn't like her when shes angry :0/ She was very loud and no one could here the music anymore, then a fight broke out on the trampoline and there was blood, most people left after that :0/ I love parties and that one was a disaster. 
My theory was that the karma was working again and that if i made my confessions now that everything would be sorted by my birthday BBQ in a few weeks.
           Ok so where to i start its like a mine field of unexploded bombs :0/ 
Ive only ever told my sister this stuff So we shall start with her as the subject.
            Dear mum and dad  erm you know when she was 3 and she cut open her chin on the step? and dad nearly had a heart attack? and we all had to race to casualty in the car? ...... Well you know the path was very bumpy? and she went down it at 100 mph in her yellow car that she made the mud pies in? 
well i was erm running behind it :0/ i mean i didn't mean to let it go at top speed like that,  its just that i had an unexpected flip flop incident, I never dreamed that she would hit that stone like that and certainly did not think she would fly that high :0/ 
It was an accident... i just didn't own up to it :0/  and when the doctor said does she have a jet powered engine in that car of hers as he put in the butterfly stitches i thought to myself yes she does .....me :0/
so after nearly 30 years im sorry about that :0/
          Not only does she have a scar underneath her chin she also has a heart shaped one on her knee which i should apologies for. I know it was 3 years ago sis but i should have never encouraged you to dance with me on top of that wall like that :0/ it was silly and immature of me and im sorry. Strange though that the big bloody graze was red and heart shaped being valentines night and all that ........ Quite amazing.
        Whilst im talking about scars i would also like to apologies to my best friend of 30 years fizzer. For the fact that she will never be able to use her thumb properly ever again :0/ If i had known what was going to happen i would have never participated in the drinking of that much wine on a Sunday lunch time :0/
 How was i to know that in a drunken stupor you would break that very big wine glass whilst washing it up in the sink and sever your tendon :0/ 
Im sure that the small operation and the 6 weeks in that contraption were very uncomfortable and i just hope you can forgive me. 
I would also like to confess and apologies to your husbands parents for spilling Raki over their french polished dining room table :0/ who would have thought it would have bleached it like that? 
       Whilst im on the subject of fizzer and my parents i would also like to confess that when we were young and she stayed over we used to put balloons in our beds and sneak out of the house to go to parties :0/  We also used to nick drink from your drinks cabinate and also talked to boys .......  :0/ 
        To mum and dad again i would like to apologies for the time that i accidently dropped my little brother in that rose bush :0/ he was a very wriggelly little fellow, the confession i follow this one with is really quite bad looking back,...... 
You know he had no front teeth for about 18 months? well that's because i erm pulled them out for him :0/ they were wobbely though ! and my friend Sharon Goodship said it was alright.  He did wobble out one of mine too but im sorry that he looked that way in all of those wedding photos and that you were worried he had no big teeth ... they were just too scared to come through:0/.
       Mmmmm Another confession i have is the day of the cream / rashed up face incident when i was 10 
Well you know i blamed it on my cousin and said he put some cream on my face and you rang up his mum  and she told him off  for lying AND putting stuff on my face ? :0/ 
well em he was right he had nothing to do with it it just happened we had been to their house that day. :0/ 
what really happened was that i nicked the oil of olay when it was called oil of ulay out of the bathroom cabinate and put it on my own face :0/ that was the first time i realised i was allergic to it ! and i still am ....... Just like the sun :0/
            And erm you know the day when you and dad got home from work and you 
thought someone had crowbarred the patio doors? and you called the police? cause you thought it was a burglar? ....... erm that was me too :0( 
           I'm also sorry that i hoovered up a bottle of milk when you were on holiday when i was 17. I didnt realise that it would stink of cheese every time you vacumed for about 6 months :0( and im also sorry that when you had finally had enough of the smell and you got a new hoover that i hoovered up a broken bottle of tomato sauce instead of cleaning it up properly :0/ 
          
           
     

 Oh god this one is probably the worst confession. deep breath.........
 Remember Dickie? the yellow canary what mum had for her 21st birthday?  well i feel that i may have unintentionally killed him :0/ 
It was the day when Darren threw that purse at my head for being annoying then i made it worse and fighted him. Well i got put in the dining room for being naughty. In there i got really bored ........ Dad was shouting what are you doing cos i was being really noisy, well erm i was doing cartwheels (thats not what killed him) After that i was playing with scissors and managed to have a bit of an accident and there was blood, i got told off for that too. 
          Well this was the day i decided to put that little yellow furry toy i had called fing (See photo below he has a little less hair nowadays) on top of the cage, im not really sure why but looking back to an old canary he may have looked like a predetor or another dead canary. Afew hours later Dicky had fallen off of his perch and died :0( Fing has lived with me ever since and so has this guilt. He is  though completely unaware that he is probably a murderer i thought it was better that way.






Thats the last confession to you both oh apart from that time when dad had a parking ticket for being in the cherbourge ferry queue when we went on holiday to swannage..........................
 It was the anger in his face which put me off of confessing at the time :0/ I mean it was bright red and looked very scary, i agree i was 25 years old and shouldn't have really beeen afraid but you spent so long in the police station that day :0/ 
Im just glad his blood pressure was ok then because i heard that the people of swannage could hear him ranting about the £50 ticket on the beach :0/ I would also like to apologies to the swanage constabulary for my parents wasting so much of your time that day and would  like to thank you for taking the time to show it to one of your CID officers who was also puzzled by it. Kind of worryinng it took his superior to notice that it said property of toy town on the bottom :0/
Lastly im sorry you had to pay out about 10 grand for my first wedding when i ended up marrying the best man after a year :0/ may be i should have just stood in a different place on the photos :0( 
         Bloody hell i keep remembering things. The fake parking ticket was not the first time i offended with joke shop material. Im sorry too to my cousin from Suffolk, i didn't realise that you would drink the entire half pint of that fart powder, I thought you would only have a small sip i'd also put 2 packs in. It was just the look upon your face really when you were leaving to take the 4 hour journey back home that made me feel a bit sorry for you, i can only imagine what that was like.
        While im doing suffolk confessions i would also like to confess and apologies to my aunt and uncle for popping all of your wall paper bubbles in the toilet! i was addicted to it and i couldn't help pressing them in every time i came down :0(  
Im also sorry to  my other cousin for being such a miserable bridesmaid on your wedding day :0( It was the bridesmaids dress i wasn't too keen on wearing it :0/ So i apologies for ruining your wedding photos with my miserable face :0( on that the happiest day of your life :0/
        Right its on to friends now.
 I was once entrusted to look after my friends antique carousel whilst she moved. It was handed down to her daughter. It had beautifully carved hand painted horses and i think was worth quite a few pounds in fact i know it was worth more than quite a few pounds. :0/ 
The Beautiful horses danced round when you wound it up and music played prettily :0/ well until i had it within my charge :0/ you have to understand that i had a lot on my mind that day, mainly the best man from my wedding :0/ 
Although full of good intentions this day was to take a a twisted and sinister turn much to my disadvantage. I put ths said antique carousel behind the car as it was on the way to its new destination. packing up the car with other items leaving the fragile carousel to last i hastily got in to the drivers seat and reversed off of the drive.
It was then that i heard the hideous crunching sound, i mean you would expect a bit of crunch on the gravel drive but this crunch was a bit offensive.
           I knew immediately what had happened and my blood ran cold with (oh shitness wtf have i done now worry's) I pulled the car back forward and cringed as the crunching noise repeated itself backwards. 
Yes campas i had indeed reversed over the antique carousel . I didn't really want to see what i had done but had no choice as it was there all flat and squashed behind the back wheel of the car :0/
 I scraped it out of the gravel and looked desperately at the flattened horses, i still have vivid pictures in my mind especially of the springs which occasionally popped up making plinky plonky noises, the odd loud boing was quite alarming. 
The thing was no good anymore. Unfortunately irreparable it sadly was put in to the bottom of my bin. 
I kind of avoided the question of when the hell will you bring the  carousel back for years. So im sorry about that but it was yet another unfortunate accident :0/
            Random apologies now go to the lady who bought our first house, i failed to tell you that the garage doubled up as  a shower when it rained and that the porch roof was boshed together with  various sticky patches and im unsure as to what type of bug it was that lived under the kitchen floor boards :0/
         Im also sorry to the lady who bought our second house, to be honest though it was not really my fault that the dog dug a hole that big in the garden but im sorry i just covered it up and left it along with that terrible bit of cut out floor underneath the big fridge:0/
          To the man whose truck i sat underneath along the cainscross road in 2004 at the traffic lights. Look i obviously thought the traffic was still moving!! and as you know there were many witnesses to this fact, its the busiest road in town at 8.40 in the morning.
 At the moment of impact when i rammed my new car underneath your truck you really should have got out and confronted me!! i mean it was quite loud. The dirty look you gave me in your wing mirror probably was not enough! If its any consolation my 3 day old car had a knackered bumper and bonnet. Boy 40 was not impressed to see the perfect cut out hole of a tow bar in the front of it :0/ :0( and how embarrassing do you think it was when i had to wait for the traffic to move before i could reverse back out?. Have you ever sat under a truck like that? for approximately 3 minutes and 45 seconds ? with all of the pedestrians staring at you ? sat under a truck? with your kids going mum were you supposed to be looking up that other road? :o/ well i tell you what Mr truck driver that was punishment enough! And i do hope for my sake that i never end up under your under carriage again.
         Another car incident would be another apology to my sister (its hard being related to me) but sis im sorry that i crashed your brand new car and wrecked the side of the door like that :0/ That big concrete post should never have been there.
         I would like also to make a confession to Boy 40 who sponsored me £15 pound's about 20 years ago to row a bath across a lake in south cerney .... erm well i never did it :0/
        Whilst im here i would too like to apologies for being sick all over your best trainers when i was 17. I only discovered last week that your mum threw them away and i feel a bit guilty about that :0/
        To my friends i never owned 5 horses and although my cousin is called Cheryl Baker she was at no time in bucks fizz :0/
        And im sorry to my friend Hanna's dad for falling out of his caravan window and breaking it :0/
 Well im out of time on the confession front the rest will have to stay hidden, i will either get struck by a bolt of lightening now or i will win the lottery. I am hoping it will be the second. 
This should be called the marmite blog because you will either love me or hate me now :0/ i wonder if my friends list will go down? :0/
       Just a few other exciting things to happen before i go. This week i discovered that i share a birthday with the fattest man in the world!! Following that discovery i returned my fat kylie arse to the gym after 1 whole year of not going. It soon became clear though that i was still as annoying as ever when i tripped over the wet paint sign in to the wet paint, i also got my thumb stuck up a pot in Wilkinsons this week which my mum thought was hilarious.
         I hope readers that you will forgive me for all of my misfortunes because clearly they were not my fault.
Now i have told the world of my guilt i may be able to leave insomniac island and sleep at night. Who knows or dares to dream.


Until next time Campas x




















Wednesday, 2 May 2012

Whoops i appear to have turned myself in to Tiffany :0/



...................That's not something beautiful like a Tiffany lamp or decorative piece oh no. I mean Tiffany the popstar off of the 80's :0/ you know the song 'I think we're alone now' ??
Well sadly i am not alone (hello readers by the way)
As i write to you today i am bouncing bubba 4 in her chair with my foot, child 2 is on a nebuliser because she is unwell, The boy child is making a cartoon called ' Te ventures of louis because he is mad, :0$  Child 3 is making a concoction in the kitchen with flowers mud and rabbit food and i am fully expecting her to arrive with it any minute and make me drink it :0/
 The dog is wandering about like a mad elephant because she needs a walk, the cat is crying to come in the window because she is hungry, the guinea pigs are trotting around in their own dirt because they need cleaning, the other cat is balanced at the top of the open window cursing at her offspring below because she is evil, the fridge is making beeping noises because someone has left it open, the postman is knocking the door because he is annoying, the rabbit is thumping her feet because she probably wants the guinea pigs to shut the ..... up, the hamster is dead and remains dead.
 The fish are swimming about in green water because i largely ignore them and as for me well im feeling a bit bored. Oh and boy 40, well he is no where to be seen!
         Welcome to Saturday morning at my house.
Boy 40 promised he would be back by 12 it is currently 1 p.m obviously he would prefer to stay at work bashing down walls instead of sharing in the Saturday morning excitement of our home :0/
          I t was boredom i have to thank for the Tiffany mistake. My hair is as you probably know is very curly. On a good day i look like a gonk (a badly made 70's toy on a stick) and on a bad day i look like Worzel Gummige. :0/
One day about 12 years ago,  before i became mother to so many things me boy 40 and our friends were on a trip to the races at Ascot.
On this day my hair looked unusually lovely and mermaid like, a bit like myself before life took its toll, it was then that a  posh man came up to me as many did in those days and said  'Wow who does your hair??' In my reply i lied to that man because i have only been to the hairdressers once in my life and i told him Nicky Clarke :0/   Today if that man asked 'wow who does your hair?' i would firstly have to presume he was quite mad and  secondly i would have to answer 'The council'.
It my hair is precisely 47 cm long  i know that because i have just measured it. Periodically in a mad moment i will put it in a scrunchy and chop off 6 inches although on the day in question i was not feeling this brave.
 I tell you what i was feeling, i was feeling old!! It was then that i had the stupid idea of cutting me a fringe :0/ The last time i did that i looked 10 years younger, and indeed i was ten years younger.
Although i am nearly 40 AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHH i hate admitting  that it makes me choke!, inside i feel 16,...... its just the outside where i have the problems.
I never thought i would be 40 i mean obviously i would be one day but it always seemed so far away, like the moon. Now its precisely 1 year and 2 months away unlike the moon which is still as far away as ever :o/ Man its enough to make me cry i shall grow old so disgracefully ill be ashamed of myself :o/
             So bubba 4 was asleep as per usual. I stood in front of the large mirror in the hallway with the scissors in my hand, to many i may have looked like a murderer standing there with that look upon my face. and in many ways i was.
 I brushed down the front of my hair, my age then smacked me in the face once again this time quite literally. :0/ it was not as thick as it was the last time i did this maneuver  good lord i could see through it :0( before i had the chance to be depressed about lady baldness i noticed that some of it was also white!! white i tell you long white 47 cm hairs!! my day was getting worse. I proceeded to cut off about 30 cms all the way across! that's a whole rulers worth! ..............For Christs sake i could have tested it first, i could have quite easily folded up a fringe with the long hair and gripped it in place. But no im not as clever as that and now there was no going back, i was instantly transmogrified in to an 80's throw back chick :o/ i did look younger but i also looked like a right twat.
           To add to the idioticness of the whole incident I did not decide to do something this drastic at the weekend oh no i decided to do it 2 hours before i had to go out in public to pick up child 3 from school :o/ Looking down i realised i had on my big woolly jumper known as my Tiffany jumper (you know the one i set fire to that time :0/  )
I was Tiffany!
          I removed it immediately but still looked like a bad 80's replica and felt self conscious as i walked to the school. Response from my friends was quite good, they immediately noticed the Tiff cut and made many comments of how much younger i looked.
          Child 3 came out of school got on her bike and put on her helmet, it was then that she noticed me and her jaw dropped to the floor. 'Oh my god mum what have you done? where has your dangelly hair gone?....... you don't look like you ! (no i thought i look younger, my wrinkle's only appeared when i met you).
The theme of family comment was to stay the same the boy child thought i looked 'a bit 80's' child 2 just gave me a weird look and when boy 40 arrived home he immediately came over to me gave me the biggest hug he could ever give and said 'Your hair is different are you ok?' like id had some kind of break down :0/
           That evening as i walked passed the chip shop window i checked myself out in the reflection, my face looked really fat boy 40 agreed that the long ringletts i chopped of were a bit more sexy than the Tiff fringe and so i have ditched the fringe and have filed it away somewhere with the other mistakes that i have made in my life including that car called Sharon :0/  With a lot of hair spray i can glue it to the rest of the long stuff which is fine until it rains :0/ .......And then i look like johnny Rotten :0/
           I have been blaming many things on having a baby brain, its a good excuse i find but could be wearing a little thin, i may start blaming my age, yeah my age mixed with baby brain mixed with being slightly dim! that should give people reason to make allowances like when i text facebook private texts which should go to family members, luckily i do actually know all of my facebook friends so they fully understood when the message 'teas gone tits up im going to maccie dees'  arrived. as a status update.
 Teas gone tits up quite a lot recently :0/ I had 10 people for Sunday lunch the other week imagine my horror when i saw this in the oven :o/ .........Their pudding !!

It was supposed to be a crumble but it had no crumbelly bits they had some how all sunk :0/ Bless my dad he said he liked it that way :o/ but we all knew he thought it looked like vomit just like the rest of them :0/ 
I was also horrified to discover that Tesco have stopped selling the beef stroganoff packet mix!!! Boy 40
loves that delightful meal that i cook him, he is impressed that i know how to make it for a start.
 What do ya fancy for tea? i asked him one morning before work, Beef stroganoff would be nice he said. Shit i had already discovered that Tesco had stopped selling it and was all of a panic i have no bloody idea whats in it i just mix it up with half a pint of semi skimmed milk!! I searched many supermarkets and finally found it in sainsburys, quickly purchasing it i legged it home fast and got away with it for the hundredth time of cooking :0/ You might be thinking oh my god what if boy 40 reads this blog :0/ well he doesn't, hes not remotely interested in it, he feels that it is bad enough the first time round without having to re live it :0/
That night i was busy  painting this years country show poster and  so let child 3 do the online shopping for the week. Right or wrong im not sure she ordered everything i wanted which was great but i also ended up with a 6 pack of frazzles enough Haribo to sink a battle ship and an Alvin and the chipmunks DVD.
The show poster i mentioned was taking a hideously long time, i do this artwork every year, this year 
i am on maternity leave but have done it as a favour most of it has been painted with one hand whilst dancing about singing and entertaining bubba 4 in the other :o/ When i was taking the instructions from the country show organisers i also was balancing many different things in my already full head these are my notes :0/ 

So there i am i need to put together a poster this is very difficult work at the best of times without a small baby balancing on your person. I look at my notes right the first thing to go in would be the queens jublees :o/ im sure that would get me hung ? secondly Charles dick who's Bi apparently :o/ Limp rings is just too much to bear surely this list taken at face value would get me fired off the job forever ! :0/ Local bears ?? i was not aware we had any :o/ and a hor tent? Omfg. why do i do this ? i take down a load of short hand crap and always think i will remember what the hell it means :o( 
Of course eventually i worked it all out to be the Queens jubilee, Charles Dickens Bicentenary, Olympic rings, local beer and a horticultural tent!!! thank god for that!Any way enough of me im really boring.
               Child 3 this week has im afraid to say started Karate  I felt sorry for boy 40 who had to take her there, we had many practice attempts before she went out and many things got dented :0( shes wanted to do karate since she was 3 and so far i have managed to steer her away from it :0/, i am happy to report though that she decided to do a sponsered silence in the easter holidays and for that we were all glad, she stayed silent up until the point in Hobby craft when she had that little falling out with the old lady :0( 
To be fair to her the old lady and her friend should probably have not been walking that close to the small button and needle work stand :o/ i do agree though that child three probably should have not upon their excuse me's whispered really loudly to me ' mum they told me off !! i couldn't ask them to move im not allowed to talk to strangers .........and they are strange :0/  It was the fluffy material you see shes blinded by things like that and is drawn to them, its just not my fault that she sees no other living thing and tends to move forward very quickly like a buffalo :0/ It was in the same week that she offended another old lady in waitrose
she was only trying to help!! Only when the cashier put half of my stuff through with the old ladies because child 3 had added my shopping but not put a 'next customer' sign up the old lady who to be fair was very posh and had no manners started tutting and spiting venomous words under her breath. Child 3 at this point
looked a bit afraid and so was i to be quite frank. 
Following the old lady incident we popped up to see the kids nanny and grampy just to reassure ourselves that old people were not all bad ;0)  My mobile started ringing as we sat there and i casually pulled the land line phone out of my nappy changing bag :0/ i mean i know my mobile isn't as new and fandangelled as it could be but it is not as large as a brick :0/ They all understood what an idiot i am and we left just before 5 because whilst packing the land line in to my changing bag i had forgotten to pack a nappy :0( Well apart from bubba 4 gassing out a public house with her foul smellin nappy last weekend not a lot more has happened, Child 2 is quite poorly with a chest infection but im not allowed to talk about her because she says shes not a comedy show :0/ I will just say though it was rather funny last Wednesday night when she decided to leave home, mainly because child 3 was getting on her nerves  all she was taking was a hula hoop and a pink guitar ? in the end though she came back in she only got as far as the porch when she decided to go the following morning because it was raining :0/ then she got ill so the hula hoop and guitar are still stood by the door. The boy child has not been up to much but he did spend 20 pounds of my money last week on a batman mask :0/ Anyway thats it im off ill just leave you with a little Tribute song to Tiffany wot i wrote when i was her.
Toodle pip xxxx






Saturday, 7 April 2012

........It's all about three

 Yo!    4,483   4,483    !!!! flimmin ek who'd have thunk it?? ............ i cant even spell!

I thought it fitting that i put out a blog today, the day what probably should have been my birthday.
April fools day.  well im starting it today but will probably finish it in a few weeks time, that's how it is at the moment, i started making a Shepard's pie last Thursday morning and finished it on the Friday evening :0/  (it was still horrible and tasted like it had real shepherds in it :0/ )
        Today as you can imagine has been a little tiresome.  I  have been trying to avoid child 3 knowing the date all week, (from what happened last year you can hardly blame me) the cat has never been the same since :0/
       It all started with hideous laughter the laughter one would expect to hear from an extremely mad bonkers insane person. From my bed i knew what she was doing, cling film has the habit of squeaking as you try stretching it over a toilet seat. Her next job was to phone up Nanny, poor Nanny she gets so many pointless phone calls. 'Stay in your home there has been a big black panther cat spotted along your road. !! ive just seen it and so did mum!!! ' didn't you mum ??? ' Yes i replied with that look upon my face, boy 40 was beside me in bed and was laughing at child 3's convincing story, well convincing until she revealed that the panther had already eaten two people :0/
He was not laughing however when he walked down the stairs to see it literly upside down :0/ she had turned everything she could possibly see upside down, including all of the stuff in the kitchen cupboards :0/ it took boy 40 quite sometime to turn it all back the right way up.
We thought it was probably best if we just all went out. We decided on a nice day like today to take the dog up to the common, feed bubba 4 in a country pub on the walk and then stop off for ice creams.
Child 3 i am sad to say carried on with her antics by pretending she was our dog. :0/ child 2 had her upon the lead as she scratched, barked chased birds and pretended to wee up trees for the entire length  of our journey.
We arrived 20 minutes later at a rather well to do country pub. Well to do it was not anymore. :0(
 I could feel all of the people sat around the croquyet lawn staring, i sometimes wonder if people are staring at me or do i just stare at them? ...... I think they stare at me, they were definatly staring at child 3 thats for sure. She was at this time pretend peeing up a carefully pruned tree whilst asking child 2 to tie her up so she could not poo on the lawn.
Boy 40 asked what they would all like to drink 2 and 1 asked for cokes 3 just barked for a bowl.
          Very soon she was bored of being a dog and so started performing gymnastics badly upon the lawn, she then belted it about the place like a lightening bolt and the boy child asked me if we have ever had her 'seen'? we all knew what he meant and carried on our scary conversation about university fees :0/ the boy child will only owe about £40,000 by the time he leaves :0(
 Very soon child 3 was wanting her coke and so sat down. I turned to look at her 2 minutes later and there she was sucking on a lemon. What the hell are you doing? i asked (she is allergic to lemons) oooh sorry  she replied but 'she' (child2) was just sucking hers and going 'mmmm nom nom nom' and i got jealous :0/
         Luckily there were no lasting effects apart from her swollen tounge which was aptly quite dog like so she gladly hung it out for the rest of the day :0/
     
Erm Hello its me again, its only 4 days later and we have just got back from a rather smashing day out in Cirencester, Roman town and home of Laurence lewelln Bowen.
Child 3 has a facination with romans, dont ask me why, i think its to do with the violent battles :0/.. so we took them to the roman museum where she looked at many things and bought some dodgy artifacts from the shop. After this we found a nice little cafe for coffee, a place to feed bubba 4.
 Cirencester as you know is quite well to do so i was embarrased to say the least when i returned from the toilet to see that child 3 had a big brown chocolate nose. She then carried on with what she had been doing, ... licking out all of the cups which had previously held hot chocolate in them :0/ The posh welly wearing jodpur wax jacket types on the next table looked horrified and so did she when she flew out of that joint on the handle of my push chair.
We then popped in to WH Smith, it was in this particular establishment that she found the talking Katzuma! 'A talking Katzuma? that sounds amazing' i hear you all gasp. Actually no it was not! it was a brightly coloured card board box containing an orange monster of some sort which goes RAAAA when you press its tummy. Im sure i would do the same if  someone pressed my tummy in that way, except i wouldent charge £14.99 for the displeasure....... Apparently child three has put this particular toy on both her birthday and christmas lists for 'years' years i tell you! she didnt quite understand why i was not willing to part with 15 english pounds in exchange for it.
10 Minutes later the talking katzuma was still in her sweaty grasp, the boy child was looking it up on Amazon to see if we could get it cheaper, boy 40 was not really bothered by this display which now also had tears, he loves book shops and could spend days in them. Child 2 who's easy to please just wanted to buy her felt tips and go home, i had lost the will to live and bubba 4 was happy just to be doing a poo.
           In the end boy 40 the weaker of her two parents gave in and bought it for her, it is now sitting on my stairs going raaaa every few minutes :0(
           Child three the one with the roman fascination is now also obsessed with Hiawatha or Hiyawoffa as she calls it. Last Tuesday tea time we were all sat at the table, we could all see child 3 sat there with full war paint on a ripped t.shirt of which she had made head bands and sweat bands out of. And an enormous plume of home made feathers expelling from her head, she also had some smaller feathers dotted about her person, these were real feathers and i worried about where they may have come from :0/. 'Im hyawoffa' she said.
  20 minutes passed by and no one said a word, she kept making squawkey noises and going lolololol with her hand on her mouth,. eventually boy 40 gave in and said 'Erm why are you  Hiawatha? 'because' she said im not getting any attention!' . Good effort i thought.
        For Christmas she had some proper walkie talkies (which cost way more than £14.99) she likes to play with them when shes in the garden only the other day someone else's signal must have been picking them up, 'hello hello come in' a mans voice kept on saying, child 3 was freaked out by this and ran in to daddy 'daaaad there's ghosts in my walkie talkies She's obsessed by ghosts too :0/
Boy 40 explained that it was probably just a local taxi firm. She left them on and became quite fascinated by this strange phenomena. A couple of hours went by and i could hear hysterical laughter coming from her room, i sneaked up the stairs and listened at the door, she was sat there like a little mad person in hysterics she could hardly breathe she was laughing so much. ' Come in come in who are you?' came the mans voice, composing herself she shouts ' i am the ghost of Christmas future and i live in your office!' ......... 'hello hello? says the confused man. ' have you got any sandwiches?' she asks?. at this point i felt quite sorry for the bloke, he was probably hoping for a peaceful Sunday at work...... 'where do you want to go?? he asks ' where are you? over' ' Im behind your plant pot' she replies. This confused conversation went on for ages, all i can do is apologies to the cab firm for the voices in your head and for blocking up your signal  last Sunday.
        Child 3 also has a fascination for ghosts, driving along the other day i was not really taking much notice of the chit chat in the back until that was i heard child 3 say 'yeah i hate ghosts, that one at dads party was a nightmare!' 'What ghost at dads party? i intrrupted, 'you know i told you before the one in the room where they play darts, he was sat there with his napkin tucked in eating a roast dinner' im quite sure she did not tell me about it before but then i do sometimes block out thier voices to keep sane. Well it turns out that many people have also seen this same ghost ( sane people, normal people!) oh dear i didnt even pay per head for him :0/  trouble is we never really know whats true and whats not, i just wonder how many ghosts she has seen, im sure the one in the car doesn't exist. I got a new car by the way its an estate, my mum thought i said its 'in a state' when i told her of it, probably because most of my cars have been :0/ me and my friend Sarah had to get baby sitters one time just so we could clean my car out :0/  its got weeny seats at the back and doesn't look like a bus, so ill be happy with it for a while. Happy i was not though when we spent £500 on a flippin roof box (there's not even space to breathe inside the actual car ) no wonder the salesman kept on folding that middle seat in to the other one, its like sitting on a brick!
        Happy i was not even more when we entered our local town on a sunny Saturday morning!. The crunching noise as we entered the multistory car park was not pleasant :0/ Were roof boxes not invented when this 70's monstrosity was built in our town? probably not.
So we had done the barrier in and were now stuck in the multistory :'0( fec!
Boy 40 said 'ah sod it lets go shopping and think about it later' ( that's pretty much his attitude to everything :0/ )  We did coffee and swanned about the town in the sunshine, everyone seemed very jolly, all i could think about was being stuck in the car park, there was no way back through the height barrier and the concrete ceilings would surely finish it off :0/
Eventually we returned and all stood around the car just staring at the shiny crapped up roof box wot cost  500 quid. It was then that we all started laughing, may be this was a simultaneous nervous reaction i don't know.
The boy child has seen a lot of spider man in his time and for that i was grateful. He took off his shoes and jumped on to the roof from some metal car park bars. Boy 40 held on to the box as the boy child got inside it and un did the bolts. Eventually it was off and the boy child made his descent via boy 40's shoulders to the ground. Relieved i drove the car down through the ramps we laughed at boy 40 as we went by him, carrying a roof box on his head. It was obviuos to the whole town what he (not us) had done.
 I parked by a small bridge on the out side and boy 40 dented the roof with his knee as he struggled to fix the thing back on. Great days!! i sighed as he got back in the car, now we cant go to multistory's hospitals or McDonald's. That's pretty much my weeks crapped up then!! :0/
Upon our return home we find a parcel notification card through the door. 'Your parcel is over the gate' it said. What it should have said was 'Over the gate and in a lump of dogs shit!' :0/ grrrrrrrrr
        Well apart from that nothing else has happened apart from everyone catching conjunctivitis :0( even the cat had it. Conjuncta cat i named her (don't nick that im going to use it for a new super hero comic book) Ah yeah and im being followed on twitter by 'food cooking news!!!!' they are probably looking for tips i shouldn't wonder :0/
One stupid thing i should report is that i went in to the loos at a lovely country pub we like to frequent last Wednesday. I've been there a million times even had my wedding reception there, i walked in to the loos and thought god this place is going down hill, they stunk to high heaven, it was not until i was washing my hands that i noticed the urinals in the mirror. :0/ Yak i had actually weed in the blokes toilets what the hell is my life coming to?  Bubba 4 is lovely its not like im lacking in sleep, just lacking in brains :0(
        Seeing how this blog has mainly been infused by child 3 and her antics i would like to leave you a picture of 'Dead chick head' this hat was an actual winner in the Easter hat parade!! boy 40 says it probably won because there was clearly no parental help involved :0/
Until next time my lovely's Happy Saturday

Friday, 9 March 2012

Kylie Arse? I should be so lucky. Lucky Lucky Lucky :0/

Hey readers, psychiatrists and loyal friends How are you?

I thought I had better put a blog out, its been a while and the last one was really crap!
I am not really sure where to start so many stupid things have happened.
Bubba 4 is currently led beside me sleeping, she is I have to say the most lovely baby I have ever known, apart from child 3 who was equally as good as a baby, (I'm slightly worried about that fact) She sleeps for most of the day, from 10 to 7 in the morning and when she’s awake she’s always smiling and happy, please don’t be jealous any new baby owners (remember I did have child 2 who was in hospital most of the time and did not sleep through the night until she was 6 :0/ )
So you would think then that my life would be easy wouldn’t you?
Mmmmm The first disaster to report would be child 2's birthday party. I blame boy 40 for this one entirely! The idea was to take her most favourite people skating, I had arranged to meet everyone at the skating destination at 1pm. I was also to pick a few up on my way there. The first problem with this was that Sharon the 7 seater still was not ready (I think the garage was basically rebuilding her from what I could gather) This inconvenience meant we needed to take 2 vehicles in which to transport everyone back to ours.
Boy 40 her father and transport 2 decided it was a 'good' idea to work until 12.30pm leaving me to sort out everything on my own in the morning and feed bubba 4 twice by myself (I still have no brain) it was never going to work, To top it off it decided to start snowing. I packed up the house in my bag ( you need a lot of stuff for a then 6 week old baby) at 1.10pm I was still faffing with the car seat, boy 40 was 'in the shower) !! at this point I could have flushed his head down the toilet!.
It was then that I began to receive the phone calls :0( first from the boy child “where are you?? we are freezing!!” he was with his girl friend my sister & my Mr sister. I explained boy 40's involvement in the matter and they seemed to understand. Stuck in traffic sweating like a miner I received the next phone call from my friend at 1.18pm precisely, she was with the party guests they were all at the paying desk :0( ….....she had to pay for the lot of them to get in :0( I finally rocked up at about 1.30 running down the hill like a maniac with the pram the kids and their skates flying behind me :0( my palpitations were now off of the richter scale and I was sure I was melting at this point. I apologised for my complete incompetence again. Then I made a stupid joke about getting my skates on... no one laughed.
At 1.50 boy 40 came strolling in with that stupid smile on his face that I cannot be angry with. ( he obviously did not feel my stress)
So child 2 was late for her own party and someone else had now paid for it, only that would happen to me :0/
The snow came down and I forgave boy 40 at about 5pm.
The next disaster however I cannot blame him for. It started at 5.30 am one Tuesday morning, this was the time I had to wake bubba 4 up in order for her 3 hourly feeds to work out correctly for my 5.30 pm return from the dentist that evening.
At 3.30 following a day of stress I collected child 2 and 3 from school and picked up the boy child. Sharon the people carrier had still not arrived so I again struggled with the
baby seat.
Making it in to town I parked up had another fight with the car seat, attached it to the pram, being late as usual I dragged the kids quite quickly along in the rain to the dentist, the palpitations were again banging hard as the adrenalin stress whizzed about my blood stream as fast as some thirsty person sucking up drink through a bendy straw. I reached the dentist steps all 12 of them not really feeling like a human, carried up the heavy pushchair with car seat attached kids all following behind :0/ Reaching the receptionist I noticed the waiting room was completely empty....... “ Surgery has finished for the day, Your appointment was yesterday” …...... that’s all I have to say about that.
I got home and on the door mat was a letter which said id missed a hospital app for child 2 also the day before :0/ When will my brain return?
Each day before we get up I play an ingenious game called 'Guess the day' its a clever way of getting child 2 and 3 to open my bedroom curtains in the morning :0) there's no prize but child 3 walks by the landing window and looks out every morning before coming in to my room (she is the master of cheating at everything!) seeing as she always wants to win at everything, my curtains get opened every day! . This particular day however she had been sleeping like a star fish in my bed since about 3 am. So she took a wild guess that it was a bright sunshiny day and that people were skipping down the road wearing shorts and carrying flowers, I liked this definition of summer and let her win. So it was summer outside and the hoob news was good (its much nicer than the real news) …..... you know that record stopping noise? zzzzzzzrump well that’s what sound effect I would have put in there if I had sound effects. Because sadly when I got downstairs real life again smacked me in the face. My first grim discovery was that of an exploded banana in child 2's bag :0/ the 2nd was the jumper (the only jumper) covered in spaghetti bolognase. Her skirt had grown to small and child 3's socks were wrong, the seems did not sit nicely on her toes apparently :0/ There was dog poo on her shoes thanks to someone in the village whose dogs ass appears to have problems :0( Child 2 had lost her glasses, hearing aids, her gloves and her scarf …......... I'm sure there is somekind of Bermudic triangle which hovers about swallowing these things, for goodness Sake they were all there yesterday, once they had been found of course.
Finally we find it all clean the jumper change the skirt and she’s out of the door. I breath a great big sigh of relief and then spot the asthma inhaler on the side. Aaaaaaaaaagggggghhhh Racing upstairs I dress bubba 4 put child 3's wrong coat on, leggit to the car, strap that grrrr car seat in and whizz off down the road to the bus stop. I see the bus at the junction unlucky for me it pulls up as I turn the corner I stop the car run as fast as I can with the inhaler realising at the same time that I am not properly dressed, child 2 is there in front of me stepping on to the bus, I shout my loudest but she’s never going to hear me under ear muffs a bobble hat and hearing aids. I reach the doors shhhhhhhhhhhhh they close and it pulls away. I am now standing on the side of a busy main road at a bus stop wearing my slippers :0/ for gods sake this was 8.20 am no wonder I'm insane!
The day gets worse. I return home to put proper outside footwear on and take child 3 to school. I then drive up to child 2's school with the inhaler but upon this day there was a diversion because of an accident somewhere else, this meant over a mile of stationary vehicles on the road. Lucky they were not going my way and as I passed them I thought yeah ill be clever and go home another way!! What other way? It turns out that I did no know what other way :0( it was lucky I can tell you that I still did not have the 7 seater called sharon because I am quite sure that some of those stretches were not roads :0/ 1 AND A HALF HOURS!!! what the hell? I could have gone to Devon in that time!! What idiot would think it right to put a school there? On top of that jungle of small lanes. We drove across the common the following day Boy 40 pointed to this said school and said to child 2, 'there’s your school look on top of that hill' ' what??? she replied 'but its Saturday!' ???? mmm I just growled.
I was though very proud of child 2 she’s not had the best of starts and at parents evening a few weeks ago I was told that her smile brightens up the room, We also had news this week from the hospital. It appears following some tests they sent off to London that her immune system is slightly uppity in two areas, This would explain a lot of things, they cant do anything about it but its good to have some kind of explanation.
The day of this said appointment yet another unfortunate bonkers event was to occur we have to travel some way to this hospital and it is always very stressful, so on the way home we decided to visit a country pub for some tea and much needed wine. We sat there by the fire child 2 & 3 chatted about their crap day and bubba 4 had her much needed bottle, half way through dinner boy 40's phone rang, we looked at it on the table and the number buzzing up was our home number,?? we looked at each other knowing that there was no one in, obviously because we were all out, watching someone phoning us from the house we were not in!!!
The boy child was at his girl friends. Boy 40 answered 'hello hello' he said and who ever it was hung up, it rang again and again no one spoke. We were as you can imagine quite alarmed by this and finished eating quickly to return home thinking all sorts of things.
Entering the house all was all quiet I walked through to the kitchen and put bubba 4's car seat on the floor, everything looked normal then I heard boy 40 whisper pssssst come here, I was scared as I walked towards the living room, he pointed inside and there was the dog sat upon the sofa (which she is most defiantly not allowed to do!) her big fat furry arse was sat on the phone! …......... my dog can use the telephone! And so it appears can my own arse, you wouldn’t think that 2 such events could occur in a matter of days, and this is what I said to my mum in my defence :0/ I used to have a Kylie arse but following the pregnancy addiction to monster munch it has gone ,
I mean I am sure its still there somewhere but I cant find it. This is probably why I did not feel the telephone underneath it :0( apparently my mum and dad were shouting down the phone for 20 minutes, blasting the tv speakers through it and all sorts, of course the noise would have been very muffled and I couldn’t hear a thing. Our mobiles were also going mad ' Who the hell keeps ringing us tonight?' I kept shouting (mobiles are work things they don’t need to be answered in the evenings). Or are we to lazy top go find them ? I don’t know. Anyway 45 minutes later following a round telecommunication trip of about 15 miles the boy child comes down the stairs. ' Mum auntie mands just phoned me you’ve rang nanny and blocked up her land line !!' It was then that I discovered what my arse had done and felt a little foolish, well if that’s not incentive to kylie up my arse again I'm not sure what is :0/
Sorry if your bored by the way this is the problem I don’t get much time to blog any more and my life just backlogs in my head, I need to get rid of it so I can learn to forget about it :0/ Well its just child 3 now really so I could be here a while longer :0/
Child 3 apparently has a massive posse at school :0/ the other day the posse was hiding her from people who think they are her best friends :0/ I told her that this was very unkind and that we live in a small village where posse's do not exist, in her next breath she asked for smoke salmon and olives in her lunch box for dinner the next day, which I didn’t think was very street at all!
That evening she mended the toilet cistern (she actually did) its never worked properly may be we should have got her to build our house instead of that big gob shite of a builder :0/
May be this is also another reason that she is on the gifted children’s list. The Boy child was not on this list but is currently working at an A level on 4 Alevels and for this I am very pleased ,we have just filled out the forms for an information day at Oxford university, its all making me a bit sad really I hate the thought of them growing up, sometimes however he is not grown up. Like when I packed him off to another teenage party last week with his snuggle blanket :0/
The words Red Rum appeared in child 3's bathroom the other day, I would have been worried but they were written in red bath crayons in the boy child’s writing, child 3 currently thinks she’s having bathroom banter with a ghost, the conversation in bath crayon has been going on for sometime. May be that’s the reason I heard what I did the other night. Child 2 I quote ' Don't expect me to come round your house and flush your toilet every time you use it!!' :0/ child 3 was probably too busy communicating with the ghost to do that sort of thing.
Well we finally got the people carrier called Sharon and decided to all go out for the day (we haven’t been able to do this since bubba 4 arrived) I moaned all of the way down the motorway and would have worn a paper bag on my head if I had one, I felt like I was in a bus, it had taken 6 weeks for the garage to get it sorted and I hated it :0/
We ended up at Symths toy shop. Myself, boy 40 bubba 4, child 2 Boy child and his girlfriend. We all looked quite normal when we walked in and then the doors burst open behind us …..........child 3 had arrived :0/ WOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAHHHHHH she shouted as she ran, hit the floor skidded on her knees to the middle of the second isle. She then rolled over and became some kind of snow / floor angel shouting 'OH MY GOD ….... IVE COME HOME'!!!! at the very top of her voice.
She spent 100 quid that day :0/ thankfully it was saved up Christmas money. We also did build a bear where you spend about a million quid stuffing your own bear and another million buying clothes for it. Bubba 4 was actually mistaken for a bear but the people didn’t look as if they could afford her.
We also had to buy child 3 an outfit for a christening the following day which took a while seeing as all she will wear is a pair of jeans and a sponge bob T-shirt :0/
Upon arriving home she dumped the 100 quids worth of toys and proceeded to make one of her own, it was her new best friend 'David chocolate marshey Bloonum'. ( it was a balloon dressed in clothes I think she got the idea in build a bear, only hers didn’t cost a fortune and has now popped. Later that evening child 3's hex bug nanos invaded child 2's Sylvanian family houses :0/ they wrecked the place :0( Mr and Mrs Pola bear who have recently adopted the elephant children were not pleased. In fact it caused a bit of a scrap :0/
Child 3 also had a bit of a culinary faux pas last week in the dinner hall at school ,pancake day it was, apparently we should never attempt to eat Ritz biscuits with prawns on and Jaffa cakes on top. It makes you feel sick. She felt sick again that evening when she attempted to eat about 7 pancakes :0/ her and boy 40 always make them its become tradition, It was on this pancake day that I thought to myself is child 3 actually normal? She phoned up her Nanny and told her that she had just eaten 25 pancakes and that she even ate one off of the floor because it was daddy's best one and it got flipped there !!! ??? She then in a very serious singing voice sang ' Ground control to major Tom, time to put your pancakes on' and put the phone down!?? that was the last Nanny heard of her until she phoned again asking if she could have the last pack of skittles ???
Child 3 and I walk home every day from school its nice to have a bit of one to one time (I take these times to try and fathom her genius brain) Every single day I ask her 'What have you learned today?. Only on 2 occasions has she ever said anything different from 'Nuffin much' once when she learnt that a curtain pole was not a toy and today when she learnt that the Romans wore red tunics so you could not see their blood :0/
Apart from telling child 2 about the Bob Marley song Jammin being Written about doughnuts ive kind of forgotten the rest or have conveniently put it out of my mind.
Well that’s it phewwy! I feel better now that I have emptied my stresses on to you, I can now fill up my head with new ones.
Until next time faithful counsellors
xxx

p.s I had to dump Sharon it was never going to work :0/